The Waning Wound

The brain is such a hypocrite. On one hand I can use it to solve complex problems and riddles. I can understand mathematical equations and visualize the way something was built. I can make decisions for my own greater good or for the good of others. I can figure out what I want in my future and think about how to get it. I can imagine a radiant wonderful life of success for me and my loved ones, and I can complete a 5,000 piece puzzle. I can empathize and understand others motives and personalities. I can express my thoughts and desires and show love through words and actions. On the other hand, though, my brain sabotages me. It riddles me deep into a labyrinth where I can no longer see.

Stricken useless by the ever shifting walls of the maze, losing the will to move, due to a complete inability to trust that what is clearly right in front of me wont change as soon as I take a step. I have thoughts that are traumatizing. My brain cannot let go of some things that I have told it to let go of. It can throw me back into a past experience and make me relive it so dramatically it feels like I am there again. One small physical interaction and I am under a desk, gasping for breath, rocking back and forth, but in my head, I’ve flashed back to being held captive by that double my size guy as he screams and degrades me. Post-traumatic stress they call it.

My brain can break me down to my lowest levels and leave me bleeding out on the floor, but on the outside, it looks like a girl just sitting in a chair, fiddling with her hair. Why can’t it just behave? Such a beautiful and powerful yet disastrous and defiant thing, the brain.

Somedays are easy. Some days are not. Just when you think you are really on a high road to glory, the doubts come marching in, singing, blowing their horns, and banging their drums in an unwarranted parade. You think, “I've been feeling so good! I am really getting somewhere! It is about to start; the new venture I have been longing for!”. Then the next day, you sit, staring, with only questions circling through your mind. Obsessively spinning the wheel of the same depressive weight over and over to the point of freezing. Frozen in the mind. Why do I all of a sudden feel like I don't know what to do. Where do I start. Maybe that would be better than this. Why do I feel so hopeless? Why am I not already there? Look at what she is doing. That is so cool. How can you even do that? I don't know where to begin......

Something must be wrong with me, my brain and my heart hurting simultaneously.

Fight back, Fight back, Fight back, Fight back!!!

Mental exercise to keep my brain alive. I try and I try. I will continue to try. You failed again. I succeeded at trying though. You failed again. I succeeded at trying though. Brainy brain driving me insane.

When will I pass the hurdle? NOW! I combat those thoughts. I am worthy. I am good enough. I can do this. This waning wound waxes and wanes, creating this constant cycle of pain. Reframe and refrain from the waxing. It is shinny enough. Let it wane. It is time to dance in the rain. I blossom from the pain. Not sane, but insane. In the sanist of sanities I can see me, clearly, accomplishing my goals. The process can be trusted. Into the future I am thrusted. This strength being built will be the foundation of my success. I will accept nothing less. Nothing less than success. Nothing worthwhile is easy. No pain no gain. I'll overcome my brain. My HEART will shine through. I know what I can do! So, I do.