The Underdog

I grew up on the North West side of Chicago. In Jefferson Park. Spending the first 9 years of my life there. My mom's side was German, my dad's side was Mexican. Having to go to a Catholic school for 4 years. My teachers thought I was a goofy rebel, the class clown. Loving to make the other kids laugh, sticking up for the underdog. Having a good amount of friends up to 3rd grade. My father moved us out of the city in the Summer of 2001. Up to Kenosha, Wisconsin. To this beach house right off Lake Michigan. A giant culture shock. Leaving all my friends and family behind. Living in the middle of the prairie. Secluded from everyone. Having to go to a new school for 4th grade, in a new state. I didn't fit in, these new kids were too uptight. Complete strangers I couldn't make laugh. Getting constantly bullied, on the bus by neighbor kids. Feeling out of placed. On top of that, my parents were always working, or fighting all the time. Had to learn how to cook, clean, do laundry, mow the grass, everything new at age 10. It helped me become a stronger person down the road. But I felt lonely, with no friends. So I started eating more, gaining weight. My own personal island

Eventually going to middle school, it was very ghetto, and one of the only white kids in my grade. Just couldn't relate to anyone. Everyone was into their own thing, and having their own circles. Getting judged and weird looks every day. At that same time, my mother divorced my father. Feeling more alone than ever. I started to get into Heavy Metal and writing, along with sports. To help with my aggression, and get anger out. With football and wrestling, it help my gain a couple friends. Exercise was a plus as well. My father always trying to get me out of the house. 7th grade, girls started to like me, and wasn't getting bullied as much. But 8th grade, everything went upside down. Going from a jock to all black clothes, gothic attire, and adopted the Metal head lifestyle. Got bullied a lot, losing those fake friends saying I changed. Losing those girl admirers. Having this strong connection with shredding guitars, fast drums, dark lyrics, insane concerts. Also, with my love for poetry, astrology, photography and nature. I loved it all. My passions.

A few kids starting getting into the music I liked. And my parents receiving calls saying I was a cult leader, corrupting kids. Getting suspended a lot, acting out, not following rules. I wanted the attention, since I wasn't getting enough at home. Everyone was too busy for me, and was not used to it. Didn't feel like a family any more. With my parents so consumed in their relationships. The bullying at school from the other kids getting worse. Calling me freak, poser, gothic kid. Really hated that school. Feeling more angry and depressed cause I didn't fit in, or could not live my life. Just because I didn't like the same music or clothing styles as them. Kept asking my parents to switch schools, but they weren't having it. So I planned to get expelled. Had to take matters into my own hands. Feeling so relieved once the school board made their decision, I was overjoyed.

After that, went to a expulsion school, getting straight A's for 3 quarters straight. And made a couple friends, who accepted for who I am and didn't try to change me. Went to a outstanding high school after that. And I felt at home. Many creative and artistic kids everywhere. And making friends with people I still talk to this day. At the same time I still felt angry and not cared for at home. Finding an escape into music and girls. Relationship after relationship. Always bored, never satisfied. A lone wolf at heart, and new adventures. Not having the best role models when it came to relationships. So I didn't know what love is for a long time. Too scared to be pinned down and afraid of commitment. And hated marriage. My crazy and weird friends were my world. My life. Everyone else was replaceable. Those close friends, had my back, when I thought my family betrayed me. You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends, your hobbies and your passions. To help you when the going gets tough.

Finding outlets that express who you are, and what kind of person you want to become. Some people like to judge on something that is different, and that they don't understand. One thing I learned a long time ago, you can't make everyone happy. You will go crazy and stressed all the time. It's your happiness is what matters. I took much pride being weird, unique and finding kids who were rejected by society and their families. Always trying to stick up for the underdog. Always trying to stay strong and have confidence in yourself, no matter how bleak the situations can be.

Wither it was, parents getting a divorce, moving, having friends committing suicides, losing connection with family, girl drama, siblings always traveling, being bullied at school or my grandmother getting breast cancer. You have to overcome every obstacle, the pain doesn't last forever. Being a human been, we all have layers and layers of emotions and feelings. Having to learn from your mistakes and choices. The sorrow and grief will only make you stronger. Trying not to rely on everyone to complete you. Live in the moment, because you never know when it can be your last. Or if tomorrow will ever come.

It's okay to be afraid, but learn to laugh at the fear. Embrace the change and adventures, life throws at you. Keep an open mind about new possibilities. Never stop believing in yourself. Having someone to talk to, to vent, it all really helps. My therapist in high school, gave me methods of dealing with the anger and frustration. Walking away from the unwanted drama. I owe him everything. And to this day, I am still me. Weird, unique, dry sense of humor and a Metal head through and through. But I try not to let others change or define who I am. Either accept it, or get lost. The black sheep and the underdog, will remain in my heart.