The Stars Mean Everything

I've never been much of an astrology person. That isn't to say that I'm someone who takes a hard stance against it or derides other people for caring about it. Astrology has just never been my thing. The deepest down that particular rabbit hole that I've ever really gone lies at the back of the newspaper under Horoscopes. Even though I'm not well versed in the subject, it seems to keep coming up, and so I find myself wondering what it is that the stars have to say about who I am as a person.

Libras are supposed to be diplomatic and fair people, two things which in my mind go hand in hand. It seems antithetical to the idea of diplomacy for it not to come with some degree of fairness in mind, though the idea of "some degree" of fairness in and of itself doesn't sound very fair at all. Libras are also supposed to be relatively non-confrontational, another trait which again finds itself nestled under the umbrella of diplomacy. What is diplomacy if not an attempt to avoid confrontation both present and future? I'd like to think that these traits apply to me in most instances.

Wanting to be the things that my astrological sign represents does sound rather idealistic of me, yet another attribute that I should have as a Libra. Is that what I am? An idealist looking for the best of myself through the best of someone else's interpretation of the cosmos as they pertain to the very nature of personhood? I've spent so much time imaging what might be, the best possible outcomes for the rest of my life, and at almost every single turn things have gone another way. Not a worse way necessarily, but a different way, and still I have been able to maintain a net positive outlook. The worst times of my life haven't made me worse because of them. I have used them to make myself better.

Does that sound vain? I don't mean to be self-aggrandizing in any way. At the same time, I know what I've lived through. I know my heartbreaks and traumas better than anyone else, and as such I am well aware of exactly what I have overcome. So much hurt. So much pain. So many people that I've let down in ways that left scars I wish I could unmake. So much lost. So much that never got the chance to be.

Self-pitying. That's another thing that the stars say I'm supposed to be. I don't think they're right about that. Sure, I've been there. I've been dragged into the void of self doubt and loneliness, enveloped in the crushing weight of every negative emotion all at once. The sea of emptiness is real, and it is so hard to escape. If it weren't for the other people in my life, I don't think I would have ever stood a chance at making it out alive. Family, friends, loose acquaintances, all of the social relationships that make life something greater than ourselves.

Keeping those connections is difficult at times, especially now in the face of a pandemic that has changed the way people interact on a global scale. I don't want to think of myself as an unreliable person, but when you've lived your whole life being late to half of anything and everything, it's hard to say there isn't some truth to it. Even while stuck at home all day almost every single day, I find myself having a hard time meeting every personal and professional deadline. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm so indecisive regarding how my time is spent. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I'm working from home, taking care of a toddler, and overwhelmed by just so many things. In the face of all of them, I've still persevered. Whether I was born with or grew into it, I'm at least clever enough to figure things out no matter how deep in the weeds I get.

I'm not going to pretend that I know whether astrology is real or not, and I don't know that it matters much either way. If who we are is decided by the time of our birth, then we can only hope to be born with the best of those predetermined traits. If who we are is completely unrelated to any sort of metaphysical science, then we can only hope to become the best version of ourselves without the influence of celestial bodies. Regardless of anyone's thoughts on the matter, we all look to the sky, so let the stars mean everything if you like.