The Gift of Awareness

Generational trauma can manifest itself in the forms of patterns. These patterns can become reoccurring themes, trauma bonds and lead to allowing the victimization of yourself. It reminds me of when people would say that in adulthood they turned into their mother or father. I never really understood what that meant until “awareness” came into my life.

What a gift that awareness has become...

While growing up as a child I was exposed to various types of relationships. The most common themes I became aware of were lack of self-worth, accountability, unavailability, and acceptance of what was considered “norms” at that time.

I internalized at a young age that cheating was to be expected, men would eventually get violent, verbal abuse was “normal”, as woman we had to do everything in our power to try to keep a man, and we as women/people/mothers/significant others always came last. There was always this feeling of “unworthiness” in my perception of the relationships around me. That feeling I believe was passed down through generations due to unhealed trauma.

This sense of “unworthiness” manifested in my mother’s life within her relationships, the details of which I will not go into because her story is not mine to tell. I will say that she did not live an easy life and experienced things that cause a deep hurt to live inside of her. Reoccurring themes that I noticed looking back now in adulthood were choosing men who were unavailable in various ways, an acceptance of not being the only woman in their life and I can only guess was the hope someone would see her value (validation she needed within herself.) This seeking of the validation of my worth would later become one of the biggest themes in my life.

In my first relationship I remember falling for my best friend at the time. We were both about 13-14 years old, and he was in a relationship with another of our friends at the time. He was always sweet, gave me lots of attention, never judged me and held space for me as the person I was. This led to me romanticizing him because he was the first person I felt “really saw ME” at the time. This would be my first experience of falling into the pattern of wanting to be with someone who was unavailable and thinking that I was in love because they treated me with value and didn’t make me feel invisible. In the end I ended up ruining the relationship by cheating on him. A choice I didn’t understand at the time but now in adulthood I would call the manifestation of self-sabotage.

My second relationship would mimic the first in various aspects however, it would be different in the sense of it being unhealthy and what I now consider to be a trauma bond. We cheated on each other and made each other to feel unworthy in some many ways. Instead of seeing my faults I chose to victimize myself and left the relationship feeling unworthy, unwanted, and broken. None of these feelings stemmed from the relationship itself instead it was amplified by the internalized trauma I was already choosing to carry. I blamed myself for “not being enough” instead of realizing that the love I needed/wanted had to come from within myself.

I suppose, I was looking for love at such a young age due to having to grow up quickly and become a caretaker in many aspects. Since I have always cared for and nurtured others in one way or another. Although unnoticed at the time I was a source of consistent support for those around me, without ever really having any support emotionally of my own.

In adulthood I learned about “love languages”, it gave me the awareness that my love languages were reflections of what I was taught love is. In my household “acts of service” and giving “gifts”; were the predominant ways we were taught love was shown. We never lacked food, clothing, or any of the material things a child would want. My mother, in the ways she was taught to love was amazing; we always had the latest toys, she would make us our favorite foods, and she treated our friends in the same ways. She fed anyone who was hungry and would give the shirt of her back to anyone in need. She sacrificed most of her time working long days and hours to make sure all our needs were met, and we had every material thing we wanted. She taught all of us to show love in these ways and even now as adults despite our relationships being distant my siblings and I will still send each other gifts to remind the other that love is always there.

With the awareness I have gained I hold space for my mother, her journey, and most importantly her story. I wish that I could have sat and talked to her about her life and learned all the things that she kept deep down inside. Many times, in my childhood I felt unloved and didn’t understand that she loved me in the only ways she knew how. I hold such compassion for her, and I admire how hard she tried to give us a love that she longed for herself.

In the whirlwind of what I consider my various relationships I would always be what can be considered a very giving person. Money has never been something that I’ve worried about when gift giving to those I love. I would but things for my significant others and go out of my way to do things for them because that is what I was taught love was. I never had an understanding that there were different ways of showing love and that someone else’s could differ from mine.

In my teens and twenties, I had the perception that if someone got me a gift that really captured my personality, it meant they really loved me or had taken the time to know me. This gift was never going to come because in all reality I don’t believe that I even really knew ME at the time.

As an adult I can look back and see the various love languages of the people in my life were “physical touch” or “quality time”. These were the ways they were taught to show love so that gift that I convinced myself was the sure sign of love never arrived. I had many people in my life who would give me their time and affection freely, but to me this wasn’t what love was supposed to be. The internalized feeling of “unworthiness” and the need for validation grew.

I continuously created various trauma bonds with people around me. I allowed myself to be victimized by their words and actions. An example of this in a past relationship was when I was dating someone who was simultaneously dating his ex (unbeknownst to me at the time.) I would go out of my way to see him and never ask for anything; at this time, I used to take car service to see him and never really asked to do anything or go on dates because I was lucky enough to get his time (or so I thought.) In not asking for anything from him I was in-turn called “too low maintenance” because in comparison to his ex I was too easily giving. His ex has expectations and I had none at the time. Being called “low maintenance” triggered the hurt I was carrying and stood with me for years to come. My wounds told me that I wasn’t enough for him or worth his time.

With this blessing of awareness, I am now able to see how my internalized feelings of unworthiness lead to me accept being treated as such in most of my relationships. I clinged to relationships where people were unavailable emotionally. I told myself that if I gave them all of me then maybe they would see that I was worthy of them. If they could see my worth, then maybe I could see my own and get the validation I had been so desperately seeking. I just needed someone to tell me that I was worthy of love and kindness and then that would make it true.

Oddly enough those feelings manifested in other self-sabotaging ways. If someone who was kind or treated me well or was interested in me, I would do things to push them away or “ghost them”. I would tell myself that I would only hurt them and that it was best if they stayed away. I was subconsciously looking for a mirror of the ways I was feeling inside. In all reality, I didn’t think I was deserving of kindness or of someone who wanted to love me, “you’ll find someway to mess it up, hurt them or they’ll just think your clingy and leave” were the reoccurring thoughts in my mind.

To those beautiful souls who just wanted to love me, I apologize if I ever made you feel anything less than amazing. In you I saw such love and kindness, which I didn’t think I was worthy of at the time. Your light brings so much beauty into this world and I am honored at that one point you wanted to share that light with me.

The blessing of awareness allowed me to have the realization that without self-love I was never going to find the love I was looking for. If I couldn’t find a sense of acceptance and worthiness within myself, then no one was ever going to be able to “see me.” How can I expect others to see me when I couldn’t see myself? Before I started falling in love with myself, I would “entertain” anyone with interest in me because I felt “lucky” someone had looked my way. Now, I chose to stay single and have begun dating myself. How many of us can say that we’ve taken the time to know ourselves apart from the roles that we’ve been given?

I have learned that I am an avid lover of books and knowledge. I have learned that I enjoy nature and despite New York being all I’ve ever know I long for a place where I can see trees and grass all around me. I have learned that I am worthy of love, kindness, a healthy relationship and all the beautiful things in life. I have learned that I get to choose what I carry and the life that I live. I choose to work on myself, internalizations, and trauma so that I can get to know the “real me” without any preconceived perceptions. I constantly meditate and have developed an awareness of self, I am healing my inner child, and am allowing self-love to be a guiding force in my life.

Awareness has been the biggest gift I have been given. It has allowed me to change who I am as a person and as a mother. I became aware of the ways I was passing down this sense of unworthiness to my older son and how it was becoming his inner voice. I have changed this narrative for him and tell him every day about how amazing and worthy of love he is. His love language is physical touch and I’m learning to love him in the ways he needs.

This gift of awareness has allowed me to become a person who moves with intention and love; a person that I am proud to be. I have become a person that I love and for that I am forever in gratitude.

This gift of awareness has allowed me to show myself kindness, a kindness that has saved me in so many ways.