The Catalyst

Not that long ago, my life went through a catalyst of change that I’m still finding myself on the path of recovery from.

This path is one I run in circles on. I’m told it is more of a labyrinth, that only when I reach the place that brings joy more than heartache will I see the path for what it is: A true path of reclaiming who I am.

Right now, all I see is who & what I’m not.

Was this betrayal something I brought unto myself to bring me out of my self induced slumber? Is my soul screaming that the way forth is to embrace the depths of despair I find myself in? My Intuition whispers that She knew I needed a way to hit rock bottom so I could embrace the one I need to emulate, the one who deserves my love & attention, myself.

It’s been 6 months since that night. 6 months of the darkest days and even darker nights. It’s been 3 months since I filed for Divorce. It’s been 2 months & 28 days since I decided to stay.

It’s been 2 months since he last had contact with her.

It’s been 29 days since he blocked her.

It’s been 6 months of being torn apart over & over by the one who I pledged my life to. The one I loved with every fiber of my being. The one who knew what he was doing would devastate me, and did it anyway.

I was an innocent in this train wreck, yet I am the one that suffers the most. My life has forever been changed.

I have been changed. In some ways, these changes were needed. In others, I bleed brokenness.

I have had; and have continued; to gather those broken pieces, to examine them one by one. To take a look at my life and myself in ways I hadn’t allowed in years and…..I didn't like what I saw. Where was I? Who had I become when I wasn’t paying attention? My shadow self has come out into the open, and she was dragging me, daring me to take a good fucking look, daring me to craft a path back to my beautifully, Divine, Intuitive self.

She would not go away quietly anymore. There was a rage that awakened and all my life I had been taught to fear anger, to move quieter, to do for others but not receive. To be happy with scraps, and convince myself it was enough.

I’ve learned these past 6 months that A truth long denied will reveal itself eventually,in a way you will hear, and in a way you will heed.

I was worth so much more & with that knowledge, came the absolute knowing that his betrayal did not define me. It didn’t have anything to do with me, I didn’t cause him to search out another, to lie and cheat and pretend, No, It had nothing to do with me & everything to do with his own insecurities, but I was responsible for the cracks in our marriage that I helped create and ignored.

I was also responsible for The cracks in myself that I had long ignored, the care I gave to everyone but myself, the indifference I brought to my own needs, the resentment I brought to a battlefield where there are no winners.

Dare I ask where this leaves me? This path that I find myself on, full of circular healing and crushing pain, Is it the end…

Can it be a Beginning? The beginning of a life led by self love & divine knowledge that I am not defined by others actions, that my blindness in love was not, could never be, a reflection of my inadequacy, but of my beautiful heart that I gave so freely?

Here I find myself now walking the path of the Wild~Crafted, unsure of each step, picking up pieces along the way that only serve me, learning to embrace the catalyst that brought me here.

Winter has come & with it a certainty that this season will be even more life changing than the last. For the Rage I hold is not as I had feared, a monster that only destroys, but instead a fierce Phoenix of the soul.

Watch me as I rise.