Setting boundaries is so 2019

Okay — I am just going to start out by saying that I do actually believe having healthy boundaries, setting intentions, and flowing with the universe are useful practices. That being said, when I hear the Kardashians’ verbal fried moans about ‘setting boundaries’ (despite having signed up for endless seasons of a reality tv show based on their personal lives) or Tom Sandoval throwing the need to have boundaries at Jax Taylor during a fight between two men rapidly approaching middle age in a show centered on their friend group’s personal conflict (Vanderpump Rules to be exact), I’m left wondering if the idea of setting boundaries has lost all meaning. Is it proof that personal development has spread as far as reality TV or is it a warning that something as sacred as inner work has been co-opted to solidify our selfishness and disconnect from the collective? Is it possible that exercises like “setting boundaries” have become new age-y ways of refusing to take ownership, change, or examine the ways we are perpetuating injustices by insulating ourselves from anything that doesn’t bring us positive feels? And, if that’s the case, what can we do to ensure ‘setting boundaries’ doesn’t take on the same ickiness of sage smudges and crystals sold by Urban Outfitters and TJ Maxx?

Here I am offering three steps to reclaim our power and enact positive change in our community by embodying our values and infusing our everyday practices with their energy.

1. Situate Yourself within Community.

We are not islands, the pandemic has proven that over and over again. What I do can have an exponential impact on the people around me. We are part of a collective and we are in community at all times. We cannot simply act from a place of self-interest, rather we must come together by staying apart. The “ordinary” folks who have stepped up during this pandemic to organize mutual aid networks, nurses who have counter-protested during the Stay at Home Order protests, employed people who have donated their stimulus checks to vulnerable folks, people who have limited their Amazon ordering in favor of supporting small businesses, who are cooking food for their isolated elderly neighbors, and artists who have pivoted to making masks are the everyday heroes of the pandemic. They have recognized that they are part of a community and chosen to behave in a way that benefits the people they are connected with rather than disengaging or continuing to act in ways that are not aligned with benefiting the collective.

2. Write Down Your Values.

What are values? They are the underpinning of the way you think about, engage with, and act in the world. They are personal, but impact everyone outside of yourself. Do you value kindness? Do you believe all people have an obligation to each other? The lifestyle choices you make often point to your values. For instance, if you are vegan then you might value limiting your impact on the environment. Figuring out why you believe in limiting your impact on the environment is a way to access your values. Do you follow an organized religion? What are the principles of that religion that resonate with you? You may find your values in that space. Figure out what you believe, why you believe it, and write it down. This practice will help you carry your values with you through your daily life and recognize how you are (or aren’t) acting in ways that are actually in line with your beliefs.

3. Take Action Aligned with Your Values.

During the pandemic, we have all been presented with a challenge to our way of living. The people I mentioned earlier have chosen to change their lives and react to the ongoing crisis in a way that aligns with their values. This is the key, this is how we make change sustainable in our world. It is not enough to set boundaries, set intentions, or flow with the universe -- being passive and self-serving won’t enact change if we are not also aware of how we are impacting the collective. If you determine that you value preserving human life, maybe you could spend time advocating for children in ICE camps to be reunited with their parents in a safe space and receive proper medical care during the pandemic. If you set boundaries to limit your intake of news because it triggers your anxiety, but you value access to mental healthcare, maybe you could share mental health hotlines with your social media networks. We all have the capacity to be everyday heroes during the pandemic, we just have to embody our values and take action that is aligned with them. This is how we will use this time to create sustainable change that will persist beyong the pandemic.