Self Analyze and Recognize

Sitting in a parked car.. not high. Just tired.

I’m in a tug-o-war with my thoughts today. I’ve come to the conclusion that most of my thoughts are independent and not relevant to current events. Meaning.. it’s all in my head.

I’ve been in my head for as long as I can remember. What I do remember is that it got to its worst right before therapy and then the realization as of recently has brought me to a different perspective of past non-current events.

I know I didn’t have to type “non-current” events. This is more of the constant reminder that the past is the past. I want to ask the questions as to “why am I this way?”.. which is one of those thoughts I’m wrestling with at the moment. I have to tell myself that this and all of my other questions are valid and that.. we have the answers and believe them. It’s just hard to teach this old dog how to do the basics to live as a human in the real world and society alongside everyone else.

Everyone else. The very thing I have always thought about. The inner workings of there mind, there world and there dreams. I would get frustrated and still do at friends because they didn’t have enough going on in there life.. or so I saw. The thing is.. I have for as long as I can remember always had others on my mind. I found myself needing to be alone at times in order to help maintain the chaos of thoughts that pooled in the corners of my mind and steeped themselves in to what I believe was the core of my foundation, when in reality it was just the record player I never changed the record to. Over and over and over again I have heard the same thoughts blissfully existing in my head.

I say blissfully because they have pranced, walked, raced and exploded in my head. I have been recently putting up my metaphorical dukes for the war within the mind. What is different however is that these are open hands, not fists. I believe this whole time I have put up these fists when, in reality, I should have come with open hands and open arms. It feels as if for the first time I am laying down these weapons and turning them into my wound healers, my listeners and my community.

My thoughts no longer feel like I am around a wildfire that is untamable, whilst at the same time drowning in a sea of misfortune hoping for the water to put the fire out and the waves to calm. There was always a raging storm inside the walls in my mind that inched closer on the days when I felt behind.. which was all of the time.

I’ve been present and I believe the present is a present and I am finally receiving and accepting this gift. For some time it felt like hot tea was being forcefully shoved down my throat. But now it is more of a sip of tea to aid in the years of turmoil I’ve walked through, stepped out of and now we are on damage control to contain and maintain this mind that no longer desires to wander but to be on a path that is clear.

I was looking for a staff to separate the waters in a way that would create a solid path. But I only had tools that we’re no longer valid and could not calm the waves. I suffered for a very long time. I believed that suffering was my permanent estate and residence was not welcomed but I was trapped in this hell of a hotel.

Today I felt my steering wheel in my hand. I have felt the wind on my face once again. Simple pleasures and the simplicity of moments has taken me to a state of unbelievable peace.

When I first started therapy my belief was that I was indeed, incurable. That this brokenness I felt was also the word that would define my being.

I have cried many tears on the way, during, after and weeks following of my therapy sessions that I tried to control. My most recent sessions have been vulnerable but present.

My disassociation has been less of a fight to have, and more of a personal agreement of an understanding that I no longer wish to live not on earth.

My therapist told me recently that disassociation was a result of fear. When I first heard this, it made sense in the big picture, but I didn’t realize how much fear is I intertwined in my day to day life even in the simplest of forms. The reality of my ability to obtain so many fears is off the charts. Good show.

I’ve been holding on to bits and pieces of a fearfully bruised heart.

I used to look at my heart as being broken, shattered, torn. However, my outlook on the internal state of my being is: Healing.

Healing.. kinda sucks. The amount of tears I’ve cried, days I can’t seem to focus, or my inability to stay awake after the working day is done has, at times, brought me to my knees. I have felt more weak than I have ever before, but at the same time, stronger than I have ever been.

I’m weak from the fight I fought for years. I fought happiness. I fought truths. I fought love. I was taught all of these things. My fear is directly related to the observation of others, knowledge shared and mirroring.

I’ve been fighting and now that the fight is over and I’m cleaning up the years covered in shame, guilt and abandonment being.

Behind.. all of this behind.

Behind because I am looking forward and no longer dwelling on what I believed I needed to dwell on.

I made myself believe that if my mind wasn’t thinking that I would be bored. One of my core fears is boredom. I have made so many people laugh and cry in order to know I was entertaining or helping someone else. I could never just be. Which is also due to my up bringing. To just be didn’t exist because I didn’t exist to myself because I had no self identity.

I lost my spark as a little kid and it continued to get dimmer and dimmer until I believed it didn’t exist under the rubble of my youth.

I believe my adulthood would be spent continuing to chase after the girl I knew I was and could never fully get there.

I believed a man could break this shell exterior, but the conversations I had with men were extreme. I would constantly cry, be scared and not trust. I eventually believed every man was out to get me unless he was attractive.

Another belief that I am debunking is that a man could save me and that all attractive men are safe men.

It’s odd to say because I’ve never admitted this out loud. So here we are, admitting that this was my belief until recently.

I had no idea how to judge a character because every character I met that left an impact was a negative experience with a male.. or me creating the negative experience. A lot of my on going trauma was a direct result of my own thoughts and beliefs I believe they had, me guessing what they were thinking and me trying to fix there life rather than just see mine.

I have spent my life, especially as a teenager through the age of 25 thinking all of these thoughts.

I digress and end with this:

Life is going on and moving forward and I know it always will. Live each moment by moment, day by day. One day at a time.