Renos and Writing

I've had this discussion many times in my life; what fulfills me, makes me feel accomplished and successful? The first thing that comes to mind is becoming a mother. After suffering a miscarriage at 14 weeks pregnant, I finally got the daughter I wished for and I do feel very complete with her. Did you know miscarriage is as common as 1 in every 4 women? I definitely didn't, and while I think it should be talked about more, I don't think it should become something that people just wave away as an insignificant incident where grieving mothers should be expected to go back to normal right after. I only had 1 extra day off work when I miscarried and it was devastating.

At the time I was a hairstylist and makeup artist for a salon that under paid me while leeching all my time. I did wonder if I would ever progress in my career and often worried about how I could manage having a child and family time while being busy in the beauty industry means working every evening and weekend. I needed a switch and while I will never look at my loss in a happy way, I took my depression as a sign to move careers. I often lunched with my dad, who's heart I broke when I dropped my university degree in Psychology and English to go to trade school for Cosmetology. I don't think he minds getting free hair cuts now, but he thought I could become a doctor, or lawyer, or some other prestigious and well paying job title. Well, he also thinks I'm a writer. Maybe he's the only person who thinks that. There have been so many discussions that have ended with him imploring me to finish my degree or subtly letting me know my thoughts on a book, an author, or politics could become a focus for a thesis.

Nothing makes my childhood oppositional defiance kick in more than when my dad tries to encourage me. It's similar to the same feeling of gathering dirty dinnerware and having someone tell you, while you're doing this, to wash the dishes. I am writing now, and having a place like Vocal to share my work is making it easier. I used to feel that my dad telling me to write, while I already was, was useless because I had no audience and even if I thought about going back to school, I don't have enough money and my credit can't handle another loan. My husband and I just moved and there is much to fix in this old house. We can't afford to do too much at once and I feel maybe I've gotten comfortable with this new lifestyle of choosing to either renovate or write during the quiet nap times my daughter takes.

Nothing is more fulfilling than finishing the last coat of paint, the same way nothing is more fulfilling than getting an email to notify and congratulate me on publishing another written piece I worked on-- except maybe my sweet girl coming up and hugging me on her own accord. Recently I think I've spoken with more roofers than I have with friends or family, and have been so busy cleaning, scrubbing, scraping, sanding, painting, wallpapering, and planning to post on social media. I can't say I even really miss it. This has been the only website I've really been using on my downtime. My father might be the only the person who thinks I'm a writer, but I'm starting to believe it as well. Being in this house that we are slowly turning into our own has been bringing my purpose back. These are my focuses and I can't stop imagining the potential I can share with the world. I want to document the renovations, the art I can write, the paintings I make, the momming life hacks and successes I've had. Nothing is too out of reach, and with a wider audience and the opportunity to share my ideas, I can even finish my past endeavors and make my dad proud. I am becoming passionate and my worth is becoming known to me. I want people to read what I have written.

Renovating and writing is both inspiring and tiring at the same time. Every time I turn around there is something new to be done, or fixed, while I still take breaks to work on myself and my own projects. While I miss the coffee and visits in the city with my family and friends I also feel at home where I am now. I have started to write, create, and organize a poetry collection, that I hope will become a published book, along with several children's books and one satirical book that turns Polish sayings into tattoo art. (Polish parents are very against tattoos, sorry Dad!) I am very thankful to have found this platform in which I can share and get feedback and criticism while potentially earning some money. That's really the dream. I remember telling my dad I wanted to be an author in 3rd grade after I wrote a personification type story from the perspective of an abandoned train station, and while I'm in this filthy fixer-upper, feeling a little like Jack Torrance from The Shining, I can't help but feel everything is falling into place-- even if it's just quick fixes like using stickers to cover holes in the walls. So, I'm no Plath or Hemingway, and maybe all this work will make me into a dull girl, but maybe you, the audience and judges at Vocal, will believe my dad, so I can make something of my life with one submitted challenge entry and stick on glow in the dark star at a time.