Rediscovering Self-Worth Beyond the Screen

When I used to search up the profiles of the girls I went to school with, years later, I would always feel like a failure. I can't tell you how many girls in my graduating class that are now married, or have children, or have a house, or just have... so much more than I have.

Some could call this FOMO, some could call it a version of impostor syndrome. All I know is that if a high school reunion was coming up in the next year, you wouldn't catch me there. Not a fucking chance.

I didn't hate high school, and I didn't hate the girls that I went to school with. But I hated how social media taught me to compare and despise, instead of celebrate and stand together. I wanted to feel like I could reach out to these now-women and talk to them, but I knew I would feel like an outcast if I did that. Because I wasn't like them and I didn't have that dream life that they all did.

That was one of the reasons that I stepped away from social media. If Instagram isn't on my phone, I don't have access to search up what that one pretty blonde girl is doing in her big fancy life in Toronto. Or what her just-as-pretty friend is doing in her chill and seemingly spiritually aligned life, somewhere in British Columbia.

I will say that I was expecting to feel more like I was missing something after stepping away from social media, but it kind of feels... natural? Almost calm, for once.

I haven't noticed that many differences in my life, yet. I notice I'm on my phone less, and I have nothing to scroll through thoughtlessly now when I'm upset and don't want to look at anyone. I'm hoping that this whole experience will help my self-perception, as I don't want to see myself as the outcast anymore. I want to see myself as someone who deserves a place at the table, even though it was never proclaimed that I didn't.

In fact, I even sat at the same table at prom with the pretty blonde girl who lives in Toronto now. But our social media culture has made me feel like I never should have gotten a seat there, because I'm not as... cool? Is that the word I'm looking for?

But really, WHY is it that I don't feel like I have the right to sit there? I'm not gonna dive into that.

Instead, I'll tell you that I've been working on my projects more, now that I'm not spending time on social media. I actually feel MORE inspired to create something to be shared, because I'm not worried about how the launch will go on social media. Like, I actually want to create things just to create them, not because I'm so concerned with making a name for myself.

I'm not so worried about capturing every moment on camera anymore. I just want to enjoy them. I want to enjoy running through the field with my dog, and playing basketball with my partner, and walking during sunset without having to pull out my phone and snap a picture.

Now that I'm technically considered an adult, I'm expected to take the high road. So when someone is super judgmental towards me and makes me feel like shit, I'm just supposed to sit on it and forget abut it. Even when those people are older than me, which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but whatever. My point is, I think that social media has taught all of us some bad habits.

Maybe if it wasn't for social media culture, I wouldn't have peope ghost me on Bumble BFF when I tell them more about me. Maybe if it wasn't for social media culture, people would actually look up from their phones and listen to me the first time I speak to them. Stepping away from social media is helping me learn more about presence and kindness, and I hope that I can inspire others to do the same and get back to valuing those same principles.

I've always wanted my life to be like a movie. I thought that that meant that everything had to be documented. But what that really means is that I should be present in each moment in my life as if I'm directing it, because a focused director makes a much better movie than someone who doesn't appreciate all the little stuff too. A focused director creates an experience to fully immerse yourself in, not just moment for you to replay on Instagram.