Prioritizing Yourself When You Suffer From Extreme Anxiety

The Last Slice

I was never the person who took the last of something for myself, even if it was there for everyone. If a friend needed a favor, no matter how inconvenient it made my life, I was there. If someone mentioned they "had to do (anything)" and sounded upset about it, I jumped in to do it for them. When something needed to be done at work and nobody else wanted to do it, I'd volunteer no matter how much I had on my plate.

It. Was. Exhausting.

The thing about being that person is that nobody else is there when you need something for yourself. Everyone expects you to have it on your own. Nobody volunteers to take over your projects when you're drowning. Nobody takes over the closing tasks at work because you'll do it. Nobody pays you back the money they owe you because you won't mention it. Nobody offers you gas money when you drive people to and from wherever they want to go because they assume you don't care. People will literally make themselves do less knowing that you'll do more.

It gets to a point where you get taken advantage of. Maybe your boss expects you to do supervisory duties when you're not a member of the management team. Maybe your coworkers sit on their phones while they watch you take out the trash, mop the floors, and do anything necessary to go home because you won't say anything just to keep the peace.

I suffer from anxiety and depression. I know where it stems from and I know it won't go away, but I had never quite found a good balance to help myself do day to day tasks without judging myself every step of the way. If things weren't done and I didn't personally do it, panic attack. If someone else was working slowly while I busted my ass knowing it'd cause us to catch trouble when the boss arrived, panic attack. People made fun of me for it. They called me "Nervina," which was not totally incorrect but still sucked because these were the same people stressing me out.

Pre-pandemic, I'd be at work when I was sick. I literally worked at a hospital and had a miscarriage, then was asked if I could come right back after my D&C. After I finally had a healthy pregnancy and had my baby, I was emailed, texted, and called about when I was coming back way before agreed upon. They took advantage of me because I allowed it. I never stood up for myself. And I'll never forget that after doing their jobs, paying money for their kids' fundraisers, and taking call for them when they didn't want to take their own (even if it meant working 19 days in a row) only one of them showed up at my baby shower. But I stayed quiet because keeping the peace was so important to me. I never wanted to make waves.

The thing is, after the birth of my baby, I never did go back. It was the best decision of my life. I decided at that point that I had enough. I thought to myself that maybe it was ok to be selfish once in a while, so I tried it. I got a new job in a new field, and used the opportunity to create a new me. Here's how it's going.

I've Never Felt So Free

On day 1, I went with my spouse to have Chinese after work. I remember saying, "I really like it there. I'm going to be the boss one day." He looked a little taken aback. It wasn't something I'd normally say. It was ambitious and aggressive; nothing like the normal me. But I kept working really hard until a year later, I was a field support supervisor. A year after that I was promoted again to regional policy trainer. I was done with the days of accepting normal salary for supervisory duties. Boss or bust.

I used to avoid things like potlucks because I cared so much that someone would see my plate and judge what I was eating versus how much I brought. Anxiety gets ridiculous, but you can't help your mental health issues. At best, you can learn to cope. I'd look at everyone else's plates and see that they had more, but I was sure they'd talk about me as soon as I walked away. Now, at my new job, I'm piling my plates like Mt. Fuji. No matter what you brought, you work there and it is a work function. Don't let your brain tell you any differently.

I also slowly stopped volunteering for things. I realized that by loading myself down I wasn't ever bored, but I wasn't doing myself any favors either. Professionally, I was hindering my ability to master any one subject by working on too many at once. My coworker (a regional trainer elsewhere in the state) has been like a mentor to me. She sends me links to conferences and websites that can help me grow my skills in making training materials or learning to be a good leader. By sticking up for myself and believing I could go further than at my previous employer I also learned to make better contacts. My coworkers today are amazing. They don't expect me to do everything. They tell me when I volunteer too much. They have my back. I've never been happier at a job and this year in November will make five years. It's insane that I feel so much more accomplished as a regional policy trainer than I ever did as an operating room assistant because of who I pushed myself to be.

Learning to say NO!

This part was hard for me, and if you suffer from anxiety I am sure you understand. I was diagnosed with ADHD recently, which is something I never quite imagined myself having. Naturally, I've spent the last 30 years doing 39 things at once because of that and taking on whatever I possibly could to gain acceptance or whatever else I may have been seeking. A few months ago I said yes to a project I had no time to complete. The thing was, I had agreed to this project with one of the highest people in my division of our organization. My boss pointed out that I had a major project coming up already that would be taking up all of my time and required huge commitment. This was echoed by my friend that I mentioned earlier (thanks for always being the realest, M!)

This almost destroyed my career. How can I call someone who is my boss' boss' boss and tell her, "Hey, sorry but no thanks to what I just agreed to" about something I had said yes to just that day? I had to quit. I had to quit, move to Guam, and change my name. But after many, many tears and at least two panic attacks, I did it. I sent an email letting her know I had made a mistake and had already committed to a much bigger project, but thank you for the opportunity.

You'll never guess what happened. THE WORLD DID NOT END!

There was no falling out, or anger, or hurt feelings. In fact, she was appreciative that I told her then rather than try to do both projects at once! I could not believe I could have been doing this all along but I had been so scared to make anyone upset! Today, I am happy with who I am both personally and professionally. I'm more 'selfish' in many ways, but a better person in many more.

You can be too! You don't have to worry about who will think what about you all the time. It's so bad for us to live like that! If you suffer from extreme anxiety, ADHD, and depression too, be mindful of who you surround yourself with. Sometimes it's not our mental illnesses holding us back, it's who we surround ourselves with. Some people make us worse versions of ourselves and it's such a miserable feeling. The difference between then and now is night and day.

So I hope this helps at least one person who is also suffering. You can do this. You can be the best you, happily and selfishly, and you do not have to live for anyone else but you!