Overcoming Self-Debilitations

When I was a kid, I would sit in front of the television seeing myself as whomever I valued as a figure worthy of my admirations. Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider Series, Evie from The Mummy series, Indiana Jones, Mulan, Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter, etc. the list really goes on and on. Looking at the professions of the entities I admired, I knew then that I wanted to be an adventurer- not to carve my name in the books, but to exceed self limitations while making a positive impact on the people around me. A big part of that comes from my desire and love to make people smile. Those desires grew the more I delved into the world of the arts, which took on the forms of dancer, musician, sculpting artist, anthropologist and eventually linguist.

At a time where I was developing, trying to mix my dreams with reality, I became more aware of my peers in school who seemed to have it all figured out. My peers were studying to be nurses, doctors, engineers, and educators, which all had roadmaps to their careers; whereas, I had no idea what career path was my own- it's not like anyone can go to school to be an adventurer, and even if that was the case, there are many avenues that could lead to exploring the world. It was difficult to find what box I wanted to be put in, and perhaps that was my first mistake, thinking that I had to be put in a box to be successful.

That was the turning point of my life, the point where I thought that perhaps I wasn't on the right track- that I had to fit in the mold that everyone else seemed to squeeze themselves into. If no one else was struggling to find "what they wanted to do when they grew up", then I reasoned that I must be the problem, there was some sort of disconnect. The biggest mistake I ever made, the mistake that I'm still paying for today, is following the ideals of someone else and doing little to nothing about the voice that was in my own heart.

Out of fear that I wouldn't amount to much of anything should I investigate my passions, I ended up settling for the other "things" I was good at. I pursued everything else from helping others through human resource recruiting, teaching dance and workout classes, serving others in restaurants, and even assisting clinical research organizations to find viable vaccines for COVID via sample packaging. Now, I am not bashing these professions at all; they are honorable and serve the community in ways that a singular person cannot. Over time and many jobs later, I continued to be dissatisfied with my choices for potential careers that would make me "successful".

It was like having the hope of finally doing something fulfilling only for it to just not work out in the end- like finally seeing the tape at the end of the race only to trip over your own foot and eat the track underneath you. It was disheartening, leading to more doubt, self loathing, and ultimately feeling so lost. I've moved from place to place, and even had to do some rediscovery of who I am- via visions in the form of dreams of what my path looks like. It took so much of my time and so much of my energy to constantly choose wrong for myself and by treading in someone else's lane. It was literally killing me slowly from the inside out, and not many people can tell when someone is dying from the inside.

This is why having a support system is so very important. The closest people to me, my family, could see that I wasn't whole, and, over the course of a few months, they helped me to make the best decision I could ever make for myself. Although they aren't going to help me address and fight my demons for me, they provided me the best thing anyone could have ever offered- a real chance and opportunity to be who I am supposed to be. Step-by-step they sat down with me and poured into me possibilities that would help me realize my dreams and goals; most importantly, they allowed me to make my own choice to either continue what I have been doing or finally take a leap of faith but also being smart about it too.

It's human nature to want to achieve and accomplish, so what prevents us from doing what is in our nature? I had to ask myself at the most crucial point of my life, who is responsible for managing my expectations for greatness? Who am I to blame for allowing my fears to overtake my ability to overcome challenges? The answer was and always has been me; I am responsible for the actions and inactions I took over the course of my 25 years of life. I am responsible for not realizing that I surrendered control over to fear each and every time I was intimidated by someone else's journey or experience. I am also responsible for the decision I make now for my future and although I am not sure how it will play out, I know for sure that I'm putting all of my energy and time towards my dreams- towards something that makes me feel alive down to each and every cell in my body.

I am following my dreams to be a linguist, using all of my professional education of a Cultural Anthropologist, to be of service in the United States Army. I will be of service to my countrymen and continue to strengthen myself in my lane and in my own beautiful uniqueness. It was the cause of not choosing myself that brought me to this moment of life, but it will not determine the ending of this story. This is the beginning of my remarkably real life, and I am up for the challenge come rain, sunshine, high tide, and heavy snow. The choice to pursue a real life with meaning is frighteningly exciting, and is way better than continuing to live a life full of uncertainty.