New Years

Life is just a series of questions, challenges and hopefully, resolutions to those questions and challenges.

New years resolutions are an odd way to either, stockpile more challenges (which, let's be honest, are not going to be completed), or, for the few who actually practice the art of motivation, (more realistically, those of us who possess a stupidly long list of things we need to complete so if we disguise them as 'New Years Resolutions', then maybe, we'll possibly, get off our asses and do them - once again, not likely), a way to tick off items on a categorised list like someone who's actually got their shit together. Fucken weirdos the 'motivated' lot. They're influencers, people we look up to, people with money to pay people to do that shit for them, or people who must appear like superior fuckwits just so they get paid from our cult-like viewing of their 'motivational' bullshit that we'll never be able to achieve because we have actual lives with actual New Years Resolutions that we'll never complete. Fuckwits.

Sorry for the amount of vulgarity contained within the above paragraph. You see, as a young Australian, I feel it is an obligation to weather the echelons of greater society, to educate the world (to be fair, since apparently, Australia is a hoax to some of you motherfuckers, I'm gonna call the world outside of Australia a hoax too, like some bigoted fuckwit who believes my country is superior to everyone else ... not naming names), on the proper diction of Australia and normalise swearing because fuck yous, fuck is a great word and so is shit and crap and cuuu....... yeah you lot aren't ready for that yet, we'll leave that for the moment, pussies.

Anyway, now that I've got that obligatory (stupid if you ask me), warning out of the fucking way, welcome to the actual writings - an attack on New Years Resolutions and the fuckwits who actually complete them.

I had three this year;

- Not completely piss off my boyfriend so I can be the one to leave him when I move across the country and not have him dump me beforehand (I'd like to keep up my streak of being the dumper, not dumpee)

- Actually haul my ass across the country and not make a complete shitfuck of it

- Get a fucking job and stop being a 'dole bludger.'

Now, whilst these might seem like completely attainable goals, I assure you, they are not.

Reason #1

I'm so fucking annoying I managed to piss him off just by smirking the other day, not a good start.

Reason #2

I'm an utterly useless scumbag with a penchant for stuffing things up. For example, I have been graciously allowed to live rent-free at my friend's house (after being kicked out of my own, further proving my point), so far, I have managed to have a whole fucking army of frogs (yes, that is their collective noun), make residence in my room. They have lived here for 20 years and not once has a frog entered this room before me. So far, there have been two horrendous casualties in the room. One soiled their lovely carpet, the other fucking over half my makeup. It's a curse.

Reason #3

Continuing my streak of bad luck, I have applied for every job that I can feasibly get to over the past 3 years (some multiple times). I have not once been called for an interview. I was out with a friend just yesterday, she handed in a resume and only a meagre ten minutes later had an interview request. Fuckwit. No, this is not because of a lousy resumé, I'll have you know it's been checked over plenty of times, it is now perfection. God just hates me.

So, now that you are adequately versed in the unachievabilities of my New Years Resolutions, here are some of the other fuckwitty ones of other people's lists;

- lose weight - fuck off Sandra, you're already a fucking stick, and we all know you can smash a tub and a half of duck fat in under a ten minutes

- get healthy - once again we use Sandra as an example

- start a hobby - you're going to forget about it in two days because you have an actual life, fucker.

Boom. Inspirational, accurate New Years Resolution article. How do you like that? Probably not very much, hey. Suck it up dipshit.

Resolutions are a waste of your fucking time. Instead, you should be spending your time having fucking fun. You still gotta do your overdue taxes Shannon and turn off the TV for once Greg and then maybe you won't be needing resolutions as you'll already have your shit together.

I'm not a fucking pariah, you already know why so I'm not fucking preaching, but you're welcome.

Now you've been educated on shitty influencers, proper language and the absolute uselessness of New Years Resolutions.

Love you fuckers,

Goodbye, cun.............