New Year Rest-olutions

As the clock hit midnight to welcome another new year, I found myself reflecting on the year behind.

It had been one of the most intense, difficult years of my life, and amongst the pandemic, I was aware I couldn't possibly be alone in that feeling.

Going into 2021, I resolved to make it a wonderful year, and to grip onto hope for the months ahead. As challenges continued to arrive and the year progressed onwards, I became aware of my hope fading into the background, and my resolution became to comfort those around me and offer them my support and company at every opportunity. I would not allow any of my loved ones to struggle as deeply as I had been.

It felt positive in the moment, but as I continued to give myself away I found my personal boundaries and self respect falling apart at the seams, and I struggled to put it back together again.

After the chaos of last year, I didn't possess the strength to prepare any resolutions for this one. I refused to pressure myself with heavy goals and deadlines, and I lacked interest in the classic resolutions that come to mind. If I had expanded my definition of resolutions as 2021 became 2022, I may have managed to form a realistic goal for self-improvement or contentment, but I simply didn't have the energy.

The year has slowly begun, and my motivation has remained in a state I am slightly ashamed of. As I attempt to repair it, I've begun to also manage my feelings towards myself.

I am kind to others, but I lack kindness towards myself. I find it difficult to afford myself the same respect I express to those around me, and this has remained a struggle for many years of my life. It has become clear to me that over time my support of my own being has continued to decline.

Perhaps I wasn't prepared for the new year, and my mind was clouded by lost hope and unattainable goals. I thought of the overwhelming busyness of the gyms that seems to be a constant at the beginning of every year without fail, and the levels of motivation and excitement experienced by those setting out to better themselves.

The difference this year is the state of the world we're in, and I haven't seen the same hope and joy I have seen before.

As I considered this, I realized I was far less alone and isolated than I currently feel. Our struggles may all differ, but we are all together fighting through a world altering time. It is difficult to ignore the hardships and the differing opinions of the communities around us, but perhaps they don't need to be ignored and must simply be accepted.

The new year may be for making changes for the better, but this time around I found it difficult to remember that it is okay to simply focus on myself and allow others to do the same.

My days have been spent indoors much of the time, and although that may be ideal during a global pandemic, shaking the feelings of guilt for "doing nothing" is quite the feat.

I watch those around me seem to race forward in time, seemingly having their sights set on their goals and being unbothered by what's happening elsewhere.

I understand, dear reader, that my pessimism is not enjoyable to peruse, and I do not wish my view of the world on anybody else.

Instead, I am telling you all of this to lead into where I am today.

Today, I am curled up in bed with a book. It's toasty warm from my space heater, and the room is cluttered and disorganized but it's home. I've set up string lights and vine curtains, and I burn candles scented like libraries and lavender. My phone bursts with notifications from friends making plans, and I reflect on how my respect for my own boundaries has decayed over time.

It may not be the first day of the year, but over the past few days, I have found comfort in rest rather than the usual guilt. As I venture into novels I have neglected for months, I lose track of time, and that is okay.

It's okay for my days to be spent in solitude, and to spare myself the pressure of pushing myself every day when my body is begging me to relax. I cannot pour from an empty cup, and the amount of time I have spent attempting to do so has forced me to reevaluate.

It is never too late to make resolutions, and as we progress further into January, I am resolving now to allow myself to rest and take care of myself.

My boundaries are there for a reason, and it is time to reinforce them while I regroup and recover from the stress of the year prior. It's time for me to let go of any guilt and shame I continue to hold over the ways I manage my own mind and my struggles.

As I spend today relaxing with a book, listening to my favourite music and curling up under the blankets, I feel at ease for the first time in months.

Listen to your body, and be kind to yourself. Your resolutions do not have to be extravagant and stress inducing, and you do not need to apply extra pressure to your body and mind as you proceed in hopes of creating a better year for yourself.

There is no shame in allowing yourself to rest.