New Year, New Me?

I saw a post on Instagram the other day that said something I found rather interesting.

First rule of 2021 is not to dwell on what went wrong in 2020.

As someone who values constructive criticism, though, I can't help but think that that is an incredibly silly rule. How can we make 2021 better if we don't look at how 2020 could have been improved?

Over the past several years, I have had a lot of different goals. Usually fairly generic, repetitive things. Almost always there was the goal of "losing weight" or a general "get healthier" somewhere in there. I can't remember a time where I was ever happy with myself. Too quiet, too shy, too cold, too fat, too picky, too much of a Debbie Downer, too this, too that. There was always something wrong with me in my eyes.

Last year, coming into 2020, I had a goal of being more positive. It seems like a rather simple goal I think. You may wonder how I planned to achieve that goal, though. It's so broad and generic that trying to accomplish it without smaller steps in between seems unrealistic. What I did was take an old empty jar and plant it on my nightstand with a deck of index cards. Every night before bed, I forced myself to write at least one good thing that had happened to or for me that day and put that card into the jar. I wanted to have a jar full of positives to look back on at the start of the new year. I think I did it for 70+ days without fail, through two weeks of utter hell, another week of a bladder infection, and plenty of other ordeals. Through thick and thin.

I gave up when it became clear that Covid-19 wasn't going away any time soon though. Let's be real, it gets old trying to come up with something positive day in and day out when you're literally doing the exact same thing every single day without any change. It's even harder when you've also lost your job and suddenly socializing with your loved ones is comparable to murder to some people.

For anyone who knows me, I think it's pretty clear that I can come off as a negative or critical person. While I don't think that's who I am at my core, I guess that's just the part that slips out the most. But I had a few people notice that I was becoming less negative over that time, so I must have been doing something right with the jar idea, right?

I'm not going to sit here and blame anything and everything for my own shortcomings, but I do think that depression has a lot to do with some (if not most) of my internal struggles. So one of my aspirations this year is a simple overarching goal of improving my overall health, both mental and physical.

I think 2020 has been a bit of an eye opener for me. I think the reason most of my goals have gone unachieved is because I always thought it was me that needed to change. It was me that needed to be different. And changing who you are at your core isn't easy. But the reality is that I don't need to change. I am enough. Who I am is enough. I just need to improve on the parts of me that are a little more difficult to accept. Like my weight, or my depression. But there's more to life than just drinking more water or being more positive.

For the past four years, I have been trying to figure out how to get my foot in the door within my desired career field. I ended up starting by going back to school and getting another degree. During the summer of 2020, I dove headfirst into job applications and to say that that didn't go well is a heck of an understatement. I got one interview in five months, for a part time temp job about two hours away from home. I didn't even get that job. But when late November rolled around, I just so happened to get a call from an out of state job I had applied to back in August. By December, I got a second interview with them. And by New Years, I got a call telling me that they were just waiting on the background check to go through before they could officially hire me.

I also met a guy this year, back in November. We seem to have clicked and we're kind of doing the whole slow moving dating thing, which I am totally alright with as I have no desire to move super fast. I'm disappointed that it seems to have happened right as I'm apparently moving out of state, but it's only about a five or six hour drive for him (as opposed to what is currently a 90 minute drive for him) and he's already said it's a drive he's willing to make, so honestly I'm not feeling quite as disappointed on that front. I'm not thrilled about another long distance relationship (I can't seem to avoid those for some reason), but I'll take regular weekend visits any day over expensive planned-in-advance trips once every few months like I had with my ex.

It seems as though 2020 may just have wrapped up on a positive note. Finally, things started to look up.

The downside being that I'd have to move out of state, take an hourly pay cut, and live paycheck to paycheck while moving farther away from the first chance at a relationship I've had in years. But honestly, I'm feeling pretty great about it. I'm looking forward to being able to have guests over without worrying about my family getting in the way or somehow being inconvenienced by my life. I'm looking forward to having a full time job and some additional independence. I'm looking forward to hopefully meeting new people and making new (and more) friends.

Heading into 2021, and seeing how that little jar worked so well for quite a while last year, I created a similar concept that's a little bit more all encompassing. Not to worry though, the index cards are still coming into play! I have a new container with index cards already filled out inside it. Each index card has a task written on each side. Every morning when I get up, I intend to draw one card out of the container and choose one of the two tasks on the card.

I tried to make the tasks simple and not terribly time consuming so that I can feasibly do one of them every day. For cases where my day is inflexible and I need a flexible task, I tried to make the tasks different from one another. For example:

- Drink only water today vs. Set yourself a schedule for today and follow it

- Read for at least 15 minutes today vs. Eat healthy today

- Start your day with something positive vs. Spend at least 15 minutes outside today

- Do one thing you've been putting off today vs. Make a journal entry today

- Spend your social media time reading vs. Go to bed early tonight

- Get up before 10am on your next day off vs. Look around, find 3 tasks that can each be done in under 30 seconds, and do them

I am confident that these little tiny changes will help me over time, especially as I continue to find small self-improvement techniques to add to the list.

I think the new year will be a challenge for me primarily because of the fact that I will need to move out of state, to a completely new and unfamiliar area, just to work from home. It's going to be challenging being so alone. Which is why one of my goals this year is to find new social groups and get out of my comfort zone by attending at least one new meeting, if any are available this year, by June. Six months should be enough time to find one group that's still meeting somewhere, right? The beginning of 2021 will likely prove challenging, but I'm ready to face it. My timeline isn't extensive yet, but I'm trying to set myself small, achievable goals. So, so far I have three months:

Although it might be a bit of a tight squeeze, and maybe a big stretch, I'm hoping that by the end of January, I will have officially fully moved into a new place and begun to settle into the new job. I don't know what that entails exactly, but I have high hopes and definitely a nervous excitement. My only real goal for January at this point is to begin settling into a new life. I'm not looking to get my hopes high and my goals large just yet. Last year started on a high note and look how that turned out.

Frankly, I'm hoping to have someone to celebrate Valentine's Day with for the first time, well, ever. I've never had a date for Valentine's Day and while I don't personally care for the holiday, I think it would be really nice to not be single and watching every couple around me suddenly all turn to mush at the same time for once. So if I can keep this guy around for at least another month or so, I'll consider that a goal accomplished.

My cousin's birthday is in March and my uncle should be far enough into his chemo treatments to tell whether they're working by then as well, so I'm hoping that by March I'll be able to make my potential first trip home and spend some time with my family for the first time in a while. I haven't seen my uncle since August if my memory serves me correctly, so it will be nice to be able to visit with him again. I'm also hoping that I won't be too far into the gutter financially to buy my cousin something nice for her birthday.

Ultimately, however, my primary goal is to live well. While the overarching definition of living "well" isn't necessarily quite clear to me just yet, I want this year to be a year of growth and success for myself. I want to see myself make positive personal changes, even if they are small and inconsequential.

I want to eat healthier.

Even if it's just once a week at first. I like to get takeout. I like eating out at restaurants. I like rich, savory, tasty food that generally isn't healthy. Cutting those foods out has never been easy for me. Believe me, I've tried a number of times. But I think I dive into it too fast. I have a very this or that mentality when it comes to making changes for myself. Either I do it or I don't. Either I fail or I succeed. Either I go all in or I don't do it at all. It's not a healthy mentality for me. So my goal this year is to wean myself into it. Maybe I'll start with healthy lunches. Maybe I'll do a healthy day once a week. I have yet to decide on that just yet.

I want to be happier.

I'm on antidepressants as it is and I don't really believe that they help all that much, so I'm hoping that little things will add up and positive thinking, healthy eating, increased physical activity, and enough sleep will help to boost that. Hence, the new jar with daily activities. I'm also hoping that a forced daily routine will help me get into better habits.

I want to expand my social circle.

This has always been hard for me because I just don't know how to make friends. Plain and simple. As an adult it's only become harder because I don't have school anymore. I have a job, yes. But I work at a different location every day, with different individuals. Even when I do go back to the same locations, I work by myself like 98% of the time. It's hard to meet people and even harder to get to know any of them well enough to call them friends. Switching to working from home has only made it harder because I don't even get the minor socialization that comes with passing coworkers in the halls. Working a regular schedule with the same coworkers every day should help with that, even if we are working virtually. At the very least I might be able to invite them over outside of work, who knows.

I want to lose weight.

This is a big one, and one that has been on my to do list since high school. It's also one I struggle with the most. Not because of eating healthy, or because of not being active enough. When I get it into my head to lose weight, I do both of those things quite well, but it never seems to be enough. I gain weight at the drop of a pin but losing it seems to take weeks. I can diet and exercise for a month and lose only two pounds, but I splurge a little on one meal and I gain three pounds. So some of the daily task options going into my jar are simply to move more. Fifteen minutes a day is an acceptable, and easy, enough start I think.

I want to open myself up to love.

I've always found it difficult to open up to people to begin with, but with love it's been extra hard. I've had one relationship in life and it didn't end well, although it did end on good terms. The only other person I've ever cared for on such a deep level hurt me more than I can describe. Between my own personal character and those instances of pain and failure, I find it hard to accept love.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

- Stephen Chbosky, Perks of Being a Wallflower

To some extent, I think I do this. I'm so afraid of not being loved back that I close myself off to those who matter. I don't deserve love, so I don't even let people in close enough to love me. I think I've already done this a bit with the guy I've been seeing recently. I'm critical of those I'm considering as a potential partner because I want the best for myself. So when they start to show any kind of real interest in me I just start looking for anything that's "wrong" with them. I don't want to do that. Don't get me wrong, I still want the absolute best for me. But I want to give him a fair chance. I like him and he clearly likes me. He's beyond sweet. My goal is to quit cutting people out before I even get to know them.

And that's all, folks.

So, here's to a solid new year filled with positivity, self improvement, and growth. Cheers to 2021!

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