Love and Light, With Conditions

“You’re pretty intimidating,” he said to me from across the table. I smiled slightly as I took another sip of my wine. I placed my glass back on the table and licked the flavor off of my lips.

This was my super power, I guess. I wasn’t always like this. Once upon a time, I was a woman who did not recognize her worth. I let people take me for granted, and I overstayed my welcome in places I was not wanted. I sat at tables that weren’t for me just because I was too afraid to sit alone. I constantly second guessed myself. I handed out too many chances because I needed roles to be filled. I crumbled under other people's opinions, and I freely handed out my time to anyone who would have taken it.

There once was a me that existed only to please others. A me that gave up dreams and goals just because I believed I couldn't achieve them alone. A little girl who put others before herself. A girl who allowed others dictate who she was. I once allowed people to create versions of me I would have never created myself, and I hung on to those versions.

Thankfully, that is not me anymore.

I am no longer that girl. I am a strong woman who refuses stories told of me. I no longer debate the versions others create of me in their own heads. I wave it off because I hold solid to the version of me I created myself. No one has the ability to take that away from me.

I’m not all sorcery and darkness; I promise. In fact, I can make friends with just about anyone. I’m pretty comfortable in a room full of people. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really enjoy making people smile and laugh. I am love and light, with conditions. This means I have worked really hard at establishing boundaries. I have worked really hard at understanding my own worth. I finally found a table I enjoy sitting at, and that is my own.

I have let a lot of relationships go in the last few years because I no longer feel the need to fill voids. I’m walking away from things that are not serving me. I’m comfortable in a crowded room, but I can also be alone. My thoughts don’t scare me, and I don’t always need someone to talk to. I am finally creating meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

I no longer seek validation from people, and I can honestly say that I don’t care what people think of me. What a powerful feeling it is when you are no longer affected by the whispers of other people. I sleep just fine regardless. In the words of Dr Suess… “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter, don’t mind.”

I’ve found my voice. I’m not afraid to speak up when my boundary is being crossed. I’m not afraid to say what is on my mind because someone else may not agree with it. I also know when things are not worth my time. Sometimes it’s not worth wasting my breath, and I’m learning to discern what deserves my attention and what does not. Either way, I lay it at my feet and I move on with my life.

If holding people accountable, and refusing to let them cross boundaries, makes me “intimidating,” then the question you should be asking yourself is, ‘what is it that is reflecting off of me that is making you feel intimidated?’ Is it the boundary you keep trying to cross or is it because you refuse to hold yourself accountable for how you are treating someone?