Looking Inward, Looking Forward

I suppose the logical place to start when considering my aspirations as a creator for the coming year would be simply to “create more.” I haven’t done any writing, drawing, or creating of any sort in some time, with no submissions here in almost a year, no posts to my blog in over a year, and nothing in my sketchbook in at least two. Working full-time certainly occupies a not insignificant portion of my week, to be sure; I’ve also been studying for my master’s degree, working towards multiple IT certifications, and studying Japanese. When I’m not working on one of those tasks, my remaining time is devoted to gaming, or mindlessly handling my phone, switching back-and-forth between a half-dozen apps or scrolling through social media.

“So put down the damn phone and do some creative then!” That would be the logical response to my situation, and something I tell myself often. Numerous times over the last two plus years, in fact. For all the difference that has made. So, then, why don’t I create more? An excellent question, and one with no single, simple answer (as so many questions seem to be). Motivation. Impostor Syndrome. Perfectionism. Distractions. Burnout. “I’ll never be good or popular enough at it to make a living, so my time is better spent elsewhere.” And, despite what the list of self-improvements I’m attempting to tackle at once might suggest, a bit of laziness.

It seems that in my effort to hit one of the suggested goals for this challenge (“honest”), I have diverged significantly from the second suggested goal (“optimistic”), while nailing the third (“get something in writing!”). “Two out of three ain’t bad,” isn’t that what they say? The good news, relatively speaking, is that this is an attempt to look honestly, and critically, at my obstructing factors, and is not intended to be the self-deprecation that many of us creative types (myself included) have a well-earned reputation for. “You have a funny way of showing it!” Yes, I suppose I do. I suffer from an inability to ‘make a long story short,’ a gift from my father that is without question a double-edged sword.

Most of the obstacles I’ve listed are themselves complicated challenges with no simple fix. Laziness and lack of motivation work hand-in-hand, as do perfectionism and impostor syndrome. Burnout is an all but inevitable side effect of living in a capitalist society where not being productive enough can leave one starving and homeless. Distractions, then, must be the easiest to address. “Just put down the phone!” I tell myself again. As I continue to scroll through Facebook. I had the good fortune recently to have shared with me a link to a Ted talk (I am happy to share the link if anyone actually reads this, and is interested) that speaks about regaining focus and how ‘putting down the damn phone’ can be immensely helpful to that end. Reinvigorated from that informative conversation, I have actually committed myself to setting down the phone for an hour each week and deliberately doing something else. So far, I managed to stick to it last week, so I’m one for one. If I can continue to stick to it, maybe I’ll manage to even expand that.

In an effort to curtail the burnout, I have also opted to take this semester off. One less thing to focus on frees up time for the creative pursuits; coupled with the (hopeful) reduction of time spent doom scrolling, perhaps I can stop spinning my wheels and roll over the hump that has stymied my efforts. If I can scrape up enough crumbs of motivation, I’m optimistic that I can press those crumbs together into something resembling a motivational cake and with which I can distract the part of my mind that is content to do nothing.

To attempt to mitigate the perfectionism and imposter syndrome… I actually have no idea. I have a better-than-average grasp of the English language and a fair command of her vocabulary; when motivated I can string some reasonably interesting thoughts and ideas together. Then, later, when I re-read those strings… my opinions of those compositions are markedly less. Logically, I know that to get better at a thing, one must do more of that thing – practice makes perfect, and all. But, when my practice is less than perfection, it’s abundantly clear in my mind that I have absolutely no skill at all, and the ‘practice’ was a waste of time. It’s a challenge to find motivation when the results of past examples of motivation are so seemingly mediocre.

I’ve intended this bit of introspection to be a raw, honest consideration of some of the challenges I find myself facing as I try to convince myself to devote more time to creative pursuits, and not aimless wallowing in self-pity. Perhaps I’ve accomplished this effectively and my nagging self-doubts about it are so much empty wind. Regardless, I am going to submit this work and convince myself that I don’t care if anyone does read it. Perhaps I’ll even believe it, briefly.

Now that I’ve made my way through that, let me attempt some optimism looking forward to the year ahead. My comfort zone, in terms of genre, is predominantly in the fantasy/sci-fi realms (heavy on the fantasy, please). The vast majority of what I read and have written over the years belongs to those categories, and they are what I find most interesting. I have written poetry (though it’s been years) and may do so again, should inspiration strike, but any writing I undertake is almost certainly going to be in the sci-fi/fantasy genre. I have at least three stories that are yet unfinished, including one I started writing almost thirty years ago, and it is my hope to make progress on one or more of these. I also intend to keep an eye out for challenges on Vocal to which I feel inspired to attempt.

As one who has played and run Dungeons and Dragons games for more than thirty years, I have had a great deal of time to work on developing my own homebrew campaign world. When I run a game, it happens in that world, and when I write (or begin to write) a story, it also happens in that world. It is my hope, then, to continue to develop my world by writing (or finishing) the stories that I started to take place there (and, of course, running more D&D campaigns there as well). I hope to add to the Blue Dragon’s Purpose, which I submitted the first chapter of here as my first challenge submission. I could also benefit from reading more works from other creators, not only those with interests parallel to my own, but even those from genres to which I may not be ordinarily compelled.