Life is good.

When I think about my life, and who I am - I am happy now, I am confident in my choices, and in the direction I am heading. What about you? Do you live without regret, or do you ever think and let your mind wonder, let it drift far away from any goals or dreams you use to motivate yourself? I do too, even now.

I was a unique child, with a very complex childhood, one that I hated whilst living it. I would never speak because of this, as I grew up thinking I was not accepted for certain things, that I did not fit in, that I would never fit in. I always thought, one day, that maybe I would become something else, grow into something else but never acting in that moment to change how I behaved then, continuing to be alienated and silenced by my own thoughts. It was not pleasant, and some would say this was severe depression, but I think that misses the point entirely.

Shit and fans have been hand in hand for me.

I hardly remember anything from my truly younger years, it is almost a blank to me now. Shit and fans have been hand in hand for me. There are times I think this is sad, but in all honesty, I was just a quiet child that did not create such memorable moments. From moving around to having to make new friends, again and again, there must have been a point where I gave up, and wanted to sit idly by while the world continued, with me as a spectator.

I had moments during my teenage years where I would fall deep into the dark side of my thoughts, even contemplating what awaited us after death. This was due to many things, in some instances; thinking certain people didn't like me, or specifically some people thought I was so different that I didn't belong. I allowed myself to believe this would pass, that one day I would wake up and be a changed man, a whole new person that could suddenly deal with all the difficulties I perceived to be unsolvable. This did not happen. I would wake up and continue the same cycle again, and again, and again. With the same thoughts racing through my head, day in, day out. When would this end?

College was exactly as I had expected, more awkward and uncomfortable than ever before, I spent more hours frozen here than I did in school. Slowly becoming reclusive and numb to social and societal expectations, but still believing that one day, this will change. I always wondered what made me this way, what was holding me back. Was it my appearance? My parents? My friends? Or just my being? Leaving college for the last time, I was no closer to finding an answer to my many, many questions.

A leopard never changes its spots.

Tracking back to the subtitle (But overcomplicated), and looking back at these earlier experiences, I can now use a certain level of hindsight to see and understand what influenced me to be, well, me. From as early as I can remember, I thought that everything was set in stone, that people were just who they were from birth, unchangeable. And this is said to this day, people love to repeat phrases like "a leopard never changes its spots." This is complete bullshit. Society loves this ideology, as it allows the continuance of the status quo, effectively guaranteeing that no one will rise above pre set limits, and other peoples expectations. Even saying "You're the last person I'd expect to..." is conforming to this, enforcing the view that to be different to the person others perceive you to be is strange, its alien, its not okay.

You are either born a wolf, or bred a sheep.

In our idealistic western society, we have two sides to every story. We have winners and losers, extroverts and introverts, but no middle verts. You are either born a wolf, or bred a sheep. In this world, there are far too many expectations, too many people trying to convince other people how to live their life, without giving significant advice. When in reality, we are all family, with many unfortunate enough to give up trying, seemingly disappearing down uncertain roads with no certain direction. Is this right?

Since I could remember, my mind had been in a constant state of war, a civil war, where I had been thinking about every tiny possible thing. From debating what I was going to say in a conversation with someone that would never happen, to figuring out what I would have to do in an impossibly ridiculous situation. My mind was a trap, waiting for me to fall into a spiral of overthinking, so much so I would be crippled mentally, unable to let any of my thoughts out.

Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat all became avenues for my brain to quickly drive down and into overdrive, whereas before they were around there was a gap between being with your friends and being alone. Now you could be away from your friends, but see exactly what was going on, the perfect days out, people you thought you were close too being happier without you. Social media allowed people to portray a statement when others were not around, a way to show the world what otherwise would have been a story for another day.

We use social media to show our moments, to show them how we want them to be shown - even when you see #nomakeup or #itsokaytonotbeokay, the person behind that post is okay with it being online. They may be trying to show the truth or a view, but the real truths are never perfect. Realness can't be proof read. To be real is to be in the moment. You can't edit moments offline, but you can edit anything online.

As I was ending my teenage years, I began working, expecting to feel the same as I had done in school and college before. This changed me immediately, maybe it was the variety of ages and culture clashing right in front of me, or the fact that I was now aware adulthood was here. It was probably a combination, and the fact I knew I could quit at any point - unlike in education. I slowly grew out of my shell here, I was being forced to speak to people and customers, I couldn't stay on the sidelines anymore. The road to how I think now had started, and would quickly speed up.

This was real life now, but I still reverted back to my older ways when things would get tough, moments where I wanted to sit back and watch. This time though, people wouldn't just tell me off, people would argue there and then, it was different. I started to fight myself, wanting to smash through the part of my head that I felt was holding me back, the part that would tell me to do nothing, the part that would tell me life would sort itself out one day. I was going to figure it out, I was going to confront my inner demons, and begin letting my thoughts out. And this is how I started to discover just how insignificant the opinions of others can be. I learnt that it is the opinion of those you love that matters, not every person you meet.

People say that you should not care what others think of you, that you should ignore what everyone around you is saying - but this is oversimplified. What you should be thinking is; what do the people you care about think of you emotionally, do they think you're happy? Do they think you're sad? Because this is an opinion, no one likes someone or dislikes someone with no opinions attached. It's the type of opinions that matter, you should not care if someone thinks you're gay or straight, black or white. Work on making yourself happy, create a path to follow that has no sidewalk, no place for others to be at the side watching or judging.

I did change. I am me, not even comparable to the boy I was, I speak my mind without question. This is one step many struggle to walk. I learnt to act immediately without hesitation, like writing this piece, I could have procrastinated day after day about what to write, and how to write it - but instead I just did it. Once you can trust your instinct, and act without fear of judgement, you've overcome the biggest hurdles in life.

The future is always there to look forward to, you can never change the past. You can change the future.

The whole truth is, I always knew who I wanted to be, it just took years to uncover all the intricate details, and incredible experiences (great and awful) to get here. Depressive moments are inevitable, but they are shadows to the euphoric periods. Every single person goes through their days trying to be happy, avoiding difficult conversations like its a sin, but we need these difficult conversations, the deep, awkward, personal conversations to advance at least a little bit to ones true self.

It takes people decades to discover a path, and most are walking the right path, but with a mist in front of them waiting to disappear. Don't think of life as choices between right and wrong, with regrets constantly resurfacing in your thoughts - look ahead. The future is always there to look forward to, you can never change the past. You can change the future.

It may not be a masterpiece, but it is my piece on how I mastered being myself.