Letters To E&J

Where to begin? I can remember the first time I ever laid eyes on Eric Everwine. It was mid-May of 2019, and I was at the end of my rope about to lose my mind, riding around and living in my car, aimless, and having no idea what I was going to do with my life. I ended up picking up our now deceased friend Slade, who said he knew a place where I could just lay low and relax, and not worry about anyone causing me any harm. At that time in my life, and after everything I had been going through, it sounded like paradise.

We drove out of Siler City, NC on US 64 West, heading towards Asheboro, and ended up on Shady Grove Church Road, going down a dirt road to a trailer hidden from the road. Parked the car, and Slade walked me inside. I stepped in and glanced around, and when my sight landed on this young man sitting in a chair, laughing and talking with this older lady, whom I found out later was his Grandmother, time seemed to stop, and right then and there I knew that boy was going to be the end of me. I knew right then and there he was my forever, the last love I would ever experience in this life.

Our time together at that point wasn't that long lived, as we were both running from who only knows what Demons from our past, staying High constantly. Motel rooms, him trying to steal my car, and me attempting to set him and his cousin on fire in retaliation. After that, we lost contact and went our separate ways. I never stopped thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, where he was at, if he was still alive. It was a whirlwind of events that still to this day I can recall as if they had just happened yesterday.

That's the short version of how Eric and I met and came into one another's lives. The longer version and I'm not sure it would be suitable for most readers. Remember this is a love story, but also a tale of how horribly wrong your life can go when you try to fill that void in your soul with a substance that changes chemical makeup day to day, leaving you gambling with your life each time you use it.

Eric and I came back into contact late 2020, right around my birthday and thanksgiving. At this point in my life, I was selling Methamphetamine, and living in my car once again, after having left a relationship that was less than desirable. Someone had sent me a message on FB from his account asking if I did trades, which of course I did. I was an equal opportunist. I'd work out deals with anything in trade, except for payments of the flesh. Never did I ever take sex or favors of the sort as trade, being as I didn't agree with it, nor condone it. I never took them and never Offered them. Let that be known right now. Dope Whore is one label you can't and never will be able to associate my name with.

Anyways, I replied to the message, and of course Eric asked if I was mobile, and I was. So we met up at Maria's Pizzeria in Liberty. Poor guy thought it was a set up and I was out to kill him, which was NOT the fact at all. I was lonely, and I recalled having a good time with him back in the day. He didn't look the same, but I probably didn't either. We start driving around and I tell him, I'm basically looking for a driver to take me to my licks(customers), spend time with me, etc., and in return I'll pay him in cash and/or dope. At the same time I still had the hots for him, so in the back of my mind I was hoping I'd get some of that Everwine loving. At this point, Eric's scheming on how he can steal my car, cash and dope ASAP.

So this started in late November, and lasted for a while. We started arguing, and eventually my ex Stole my car, and left me stranded in Bear Creek after Lying to me and agreeing to take me to Ramseur. Long story short, I ended up walking from Bear Creek all the way to the outskirts of Staley/Ramseur on 64 West to where I knew Eric had been staying.

I startled the shit out of him, as he and the owners of the place came in. He threw his bag on the bed, hitting me, and as I spoke he flipped out, and immediately started demanding that I get the hell out etc. Thankfully the owner and his Girlfriend took pity and allowed me to let me stay there. Each day was a battle because Eric did not want anything to do with me, NOTHING. And all I could do was shower the boy his favorite foods, dope, money, cigarettes, etc. Anything I could possibly think that would win him over.

Months of this took place, and slowly but surely, he started to open up a little bit. We'd fight, scream, argue and get physical. He'd walk away, or I'd walk away, leaving the other to wonder if the other was going to return. I can't speak for him, but I spent nights crying, trying to keep my heart from completely breaking. I was trying to get him to realize that I was serious, and trying to improve our living situation, so that we wouldn't be at the mercy of someone who was just as unstable in life as we were. I would show him apartments and what not that we could afford at that moment, due to the fact that I was collecting unemployment insurance and attempting to squirrel it away so that in case something did happen, we'd be able to at least get a motel room for a few days or something.

Eventually that day came, and we were caught without pants around our ankles, completely unprepared in what to do. We wandered around, hiding out behind his relatives' houses on property we were not allowed in. We stayed with people who simply caused issues, or amplified issues that were already present in our "Relationship" as you would call it. We'd fight, get kicked out of places and have to start all over again. How many miles we walked I can't even imagine how to calculate them, but we crossed Randolph and Chatham county more than enough times to know each and every hidey hole and run down abandoned buildings like the back of our hand.

I can't really remember what led up to the night that the one decision made by both of us was the catalyst that began the final spiral to our lowest point in life together, but it was rainy and dark, and starting to get cold. We had just stashed our belongings, and we're walking, talking about how his mom or grandmother might be in the area watching over a dying relative. WIthout really paying attention while we were talking, we found ourselves standing on the porch, staring at the front door.

I can remember us both pausing and looking at one another before knocking on the door, and waiting. We thought we heard someone inside, so we went around back and tried that door. We both sat there and looked at each other. We discussed the fact that what if his relative was in there, and had fallen and needed help, cause we heard a television on, and there were lights on in the house. WHat if something had happened while caretakers had gone to the store and they needed help. So the decision was made. Door was kicked in, and we entered. After realizing that no one was there, we decided it best to get out of there asap. I was the one who spotted the keys hanging by the door, and had the bright idea to take the car. As I saw it, it was an escape away from Siler City. We'd be gone before anyone even realized the car had been taken, and by then we'd be across state lines, and starting anew somewhere else.

Alas, it didn't happen that way. And I still kick myself to this day for making that decision, because as you see, I"m sitting outside, free as can be, while the love of my life is in rehab for a year, doing my bid. I'm not ashamed to say that everything that has transpired is my fault. I thought I was making a decision that would help us start anew, but honestly, I made a decision that caused us both more harm than good. In fact, it caused us absolutely no good whatsoever.

We both ended up in Jail, first him, then me, then him, then me, and then him again. I bailed him both times, and I ended up bonding myself out the last time, and getting my charges dealt with. We were at rock bottom the last time Eric got arrested. Neither of us had shoes, we were walking around town like we were lost ghosts. We had tried staying with my mom at her place, but it just wasn't the time, and neither of us could get our heads out of our asses. I was madly in love with Eric and he couldn't stand me. At that point he didn't want a job or a relationship as he didn't see the point in having either. He thought I was just some silly girl with a crush or some bullshit, and never took me seriously, or so he said. BUt every time we got into a fight and one of us walked away from the other, we always seemed to find our way back to each other.

As I was sayinng, the last time Eric got arrested, it was my fault, even though I stated he hadn't put his hands on mne, nor was I pressing charges, or giving a statement, other than "FUCK YOU COP". My mother sat in the room with me as I told them exactly what happened, which was that Eric didn't put his hands on me, and the bloody nose and what not was caused by myself. Alas, the bitch who took the statement, put down whatever she wanted which was exactly the opposite of what I had stated, and made it out to look and sound as if Eric was a threat and danger to me, which in turn resulted in the Magistrate issuing a No Contact order.

I posted his bail, and was told that I had to wait for pretrial to finish up whatever it was they were going to issue him, which was most likely going to be an ankle bracelet and curfew. I had already cleared it with my mom for him to use her address, which I was no longer staying at as where he could be released to. This was in early July of 2021. Weeks went by and still Nothing. I got to see Eric one while he was locked up, due to the no contact. We found ways to talk to each other, but eventually towards the end of his incarceration they got smart, and blocked my accounts from contacting him.

Eventually news came that he was being released into a rehab program, called First at Blue Ridge, which is up in the mountains, so I started making preparations on finding rides and etc to visit him when he was able to receive visitors. The DA refused to sign off on it, and instead offered him a program called "Hope Center Ministries". He asked me to get info on the program and send it to him, which I did. They basically did this thinking that he would deny it due to it being a faith based program, and thus would take a plea and go to the Yard. Our last phone call was him telling me he was going to do exactly that. I pleaded with him, and told him exactly what it was I knew he needed to hear to keep him from making that horrible mistake. I told him not to do it for me, but for him, and his son. I told him Anthony hadn't given up on him, and that he was simply waiting for his dad to show back up, and in order to do that, this program was the best chance, and it was a year, instead of 6 or however many they were throwing at him. The decision was made, and September 15th, Eric left for the Hope Center MInistries house in Dunn, NC.

We both knew what to expect from this new program, or at least we thought we did. There wasn't that much information on the website, so it was all really touch and go, and the fact that there was still a no contact order in effect between us made it even harder. We were able to write to one another but that wasn't going to cut it. I remember seeing him for the first time in October, at The Journey Church, in Dunn, NC. We were both so nervous and held onto each other as if knowing we were about to be ripped apart at any given second. I cried and cried the entire time I was there. But it was so worth it. It was a couple days after that, I remember getting the phone call and being told that the no contact order had been dropped. The head guy of the house was still weary of me coming around cause he thought I was going to cause Eric setbacks, and what have you. I still have the text of me tearing into them in the most polite way possible explaining I'm the last person they had to worry about when it came to Eric and his sobriety.

Events of my poorly made decisions led to me attempting to join the program on the women's end, and after a week of giving it my all, I left. I'll not bad mouth the program, as it helped me more so being out of the house than it ever would have if i had forced myself to stay. I wasn't able to connect with the people there, as in my eyes there was no way any of them could have ever had an addiction, it was if they were scripted actors, plus we weren't allowed to express our own personalities. THey wanted everything to be so sterile, as if it were not being lived in. I told them that right there wasn't going to work for me, because if God had wanted us all to be exactly the same, we would look, talk, act, blah blah all the same. I ended up leaving, and the last conversation I Had with Eric was him telling me that if I walked away from the program, that he was done with me. Those words ripped through me like a hot knife.

I spent three days curled up on the floor of my mothers house crying, and praying and pleading, and sunday morning, I sat up and decided right then and there, that if he was going to break things off with me, he was going to do it face to face like a man, and not over the phone. I got dressed, called a friend, and off we sped. I walked in, and immediately spotted him. I sat next to him and asked him 'If you don't want me here, then you need to let me know right now, and I'll leave. If me being here makes you uncomfortable, then I'll leave." And as I waited, and got no answer, I went to stand up, and as I did he grabbed my hand and held onto it as if his life depended on it and pulled me back down.

We sat in complete silence the entire sermon, well mostly, as I was finding myself being filled with conviction, and moved by the holy spirit. No matter how hard I willed it not to happen, I couldn't help but cry, and silently speak out to Jesus and beg him to forgive me for my past transgressions against him and how I prayed for strength and the ability to stay sober, and not be tempted by those that surrounded me and still used. Eventually those things came to be, and I ended up cutting out everyone that I had hung out with and associated with that were still using and in that lifestyle.

Eric and I found strength in one another, and began to learn how to be in this new relationship with one another, sober, and clean. I went to meetings with him every week, until it became too much stress to deal with it. It became harder and harder to find rides that weren't users and people that Eric trusted(which turned out to be absolutely no one but my mom). Eventually I stopped attending CR meetings as they were too far, and I honestly never felt the same conviction with their 12 step program as I did with the Church sermons each Sunday.

Dont get me wrong, even though things were going good, there were moments where outside forces(mainly jealous ass females who basically accused me of shit they were doing, in order to take focus off their fuck ups) that caused Eric and I strife and moments of uncertainity. Believe me, if these things had happened six months ago, I'd be behind bars for aggravated assault. Nothing shows true change and the work of the lord like Me coming face to face with the person who tried to break me and my future husband up. This happened more than once, and both times I fought harder than anyone possibly ever has for a love they believed in.

IN the long run, Eric learned very quickly that he need not listen or give weight to the words of those from his past, just because they grew up together or went to school together didn;t mean they were his friends. He learned very quickly that no matter what I would show up, to fight tooth and nail for the love I had worked so hard to cultivate and grow with him. I wasn't going to let the words and actions of a couple of jealous harpies destroy what we had.

I cut ties with everyone and everything from my past. You have to in order to start anew and truly overcome your addiction. You cannot give weight or entertain those things and/or people from your past that are nothing more than triggers to bring you crashing back down. It's definitely not easy, even when you're in a program, and even more so when you're like me, living the straight and narrow outside the protective walls of rehab facilities.

Eric and I were at the lowest points in our lifes, to where we were both about to do something extremely stupid, just to end the day to day fight of where we were going, what we were going to do. The fix was getting harder and harder to get, and each time it was getting more and more dangerous of a gamble, due to the fact that people were cutting the dope with either fentanyl or heroin. Eric and I had both previously ODed and were lucky enough to not have died. you would have thought that'd had been an eye opener for us to get out shit together and straighten up.

We knew we had to do something, but just had no idea how to get to where we needed to be. Thankfully through my fuck up, we're both sober, and working towards a better life. It's been a long, rough, strenuous, scary road of unknowns, but we're finally on our way to a better life. As of today Eric is 7 months sober, and I've got 145 days Sober. We're engaged, and still have our issues, but what couple doesn't? I wouldn't trade him or what we've been through for anything. This is the abridged version of what we've been through, but just know that no matter how bad off, or how low you think you've hit rock bottom, and feel as if there is no returning to the light; There IS HELP. There is always someone out there willing to listen. You might now see Him, or give Him much thought, but HE is always there with you, and willing to help you. You just have to have Faith in Him, and give Him that chance. Not only that, but you might think your family has given up on you, even if they've said it, they haven't. They're tired and weary just like you, but I promise you, if you go to them, and you're sincere in your words and actions about wanting help, they'll help anyway they can.

You can always bounce back, no matter how long you've been using it. Eric and I had both been using since we were in our Mid Teens. 25 years for me, and 17 for him. Neither of us ever thought we'd see the day that we'd be able to stand up and state that we've been clean for almost a year, without relapse. Both of us have been Baptized, safed, and have never been happier in our lives than we are now.

The only day I believe that will trump his graduation from HCM on September 15th, 2022, will probably be our wedding day. Either way, we're both amazed at how the other has changed, and how each day we fall more in love with the other, than ever thought possible. Also, the clarity in which sobriety brings to your thoughts, emotions, and actions, how you aren't focused on where your next fix is coming from, where you're next meal is gonna be, and all those other things that are now provided without effort, due to opening our hearts and minds to Jesus, and allowing him to cleanse our minds, hearts and souls of all impurities and show us the true path we're supposed to walk on.

Anybody can overcome addiction, if they truly want to. You have to want it for yourself. You can't do it for anything or anyone else, other than yourself. Believe me I know first hand, if you do it for any reason other than yourself(and yes that sounds selfish, but in all ways, it's selfless), you won't succeed. Put yourself first for once. Screw everyone else, because in the long run when you do it for yourself, those around you that care about you will benefit from your selfishness, because in turn they reap the benefits of a healthier, clear headed, beautiful sober soul that can function and act without ill intent and clouded thoughts.

The road to recovery is a long one, and a journey that will be a never ending one the rest of your life, once you start to embark on it. Just remember, you're never truly alone on that journey. I'm lucky enough to have the love of my life walking hand in hand with me, as we do it together. I pray and hope that as brief as this story is, that it reaches and touches someone, and gives them the courage to reach out and ask for help. It's never too late, no matter how old or young you are. Whatever you're struggling with, there is someone out there willing to listen and help guide you to a better tomorrow. Just remember, it's One Day At A Time. That's all it takes is one day at a time, to take that one step at a time, in order to reclaim your place on the path to a sober and clean life.