Just a Journal

It seems the weather might finally be breaking this morning. It's only -28C, instead of almost -40, with windchills into the -50s. When I went out to check on the goats, it was almost comfortable. At least my skin didn't hurt by the time I returned to the house.

It doesn't feel like I accomplished much yesterday. That seems to have been a theme for a very long time for me. I was once such a go-getter. I used to be able to accomplish more in just a couple of hours than most people do in a week. Now I seem to find myself staring at mountains of work that needs to be done and I'm frozen, overwhelmed, and don't even know where to start.

I've decided to take some advice that I once saw as a joke in one of my cookbooks.

'How do you eat an elephant? ~ One bite at a time.'

At least if I take a little bite here and a little bite there, things should eventually start getting done. Eventually, I might even feel like I'm accomplishing something, instead of just spinning my wheels.

A lot of the things I have to tackle are just mundane tasks that have been left neglected for far too long. I wish that I could just wiggle my nose and see it magically neat, clean, and organized. Unfortunately, that won't work. I'm going to just have to bite the bullet and manually wash, sort and purge SO much stuff.

It wouldn't be quite so daunting I suppose, if there weren't other people going along right behind me and messing things back up again. I know I should be wrangling them up to help, but my brain is so scattered I don't even know what I need to do, giving out instructions to someone else is virtually impossible.

It isn't like I haven't tried to let them know that I need help. I have even called family meetings and let them know just how overwhelming it is. They still don't seem to understand though. I will admit those meetings did result in getting me out of cooking a couple of meals a week. I wonder if the aftermath they leave behind in the kitchen is worth it though.

I've been trying to incorporate the use of planners,productivity apps, and lists, but that, in and of itself, just becomes another daunting task. I'm hoping that I can figure out a way to create some kind of task list that I can post on the fridge, as a reference for other family members. Things that need to be done that they should be able to help me out with.

I did manage to get J to help me out a little bit today. The wind had drifted snow across some of the paths I have to walk to do my chores. I tried shoveling them out since it's considerably harder to pack buckets of water while trying to navigate knee-deep snow. My injured shoulder can only handle so much shoveling though. She didn't do great, but she at least got it down to something I could manage. I'm thankful that she tried and didn't even fight or whine about it.

I have to stop beating myself up for all the things I haven't been able to do. It was never a matter of being lazy. I know I'm anything BUT that! Life has thrown me a lot of curveballs these last few years and I haven't had the option of taking it all in stride. Sometimes life forces you to put on the brakes. Sometimes the only option you have is to pause and heal. I have had losses that needed emotional healing and accidents that required rest and time for physical healing.

I think the most important lesson I have had to learn is to be gentle with myself. I can't keep pushing through the pain. Sometimes I just have to let things go and give myself the needed time and space to heal.

Here's hoping that I have healed enough to start moving forward again.