In The Event of My Death

Life is fleeting. We all have knowledge that we are going to die, but we view it as this distant thing that we’ll deal with when it comes, and honestly I don’t think it can be any other way. But herein lies the problem...I’m dealing with it right now. At 35. I am hyper aware of my own mortality and the frailty of the human form.

So, I’m choosing to deal with something that as of last night, made me go tachycardic, hyperventilate and unable to sleep for at least an hour. Although I only really lost an hour of sleep, it felt like I was awake the whole night, telling myself lies about my own mortality. Lies like, “We’re super close to unlocking almost incalculable longevity due to understanding telomeres, by the time I’m 80, I won’t have to die.” It seems childish and believe me, I enjoy a hearty laugh at my expense regarding that kind of naive thinking. But I only go there because I’m terrified. Not of what lies beyond. To know the unknown has always been a hallmark trait of our species. Rather I’m terrified because I am seized by the iron grip that all that I have accomplished, good, bad, neutral...will be as good as dust in 100 years or so. 100 years seems long, until you realize it’s really only 1 ⅓ lifetimes. In the span of one and a third lifetimes, every struggle, every effort to do right and good will be ultimately meaningless...that’s the struggle I’m currently dealing with, that and I think I’ll be 85 tomorrow and dead by Friday.

It’s a hard pill to swallow at 35, statistically having so much life before me and yet to feel as if the end is as close as tomorrow. So it is with this fascination or dread, not sure which, that I write this, that it may be read now, and hopefully a long time from now upon the event of my death.

Where to start. School. Who gives a fuck if you’re popular or wear the coolest clothes? Most everyone I knew in highschool turned out to be a bunch of losers. There are a few exceptions to that rule but out of 916 people that I graduated with, I speak to roughly 10. Who cares what those “peaked too soon” idiots thought of me. Life is more than elementary school, middle school, high school and college. I cannot put this bluntly enough. Fuck them hoes.

Chase your passion. Look, I’m fucking terrified of death because honestly, despite all I’ve done, maybe I really haven’t found my niche yet. I’m a decent writer, maybe I’ll get a book or two published, or maybe not because I also happen to be the best procrastinator I know. Everything can get done tomorrow….except that when you say “I’ll do it tomorrow” it always stays tomorrow and never becomes today. Find something you love doing. Find a way to get paid to do it, then go full force 100% at it and do it today.

Find love. Whether in friends or in romance. There is so much bullshit out there about how being married is basically a death sentence for men or showing affection to your bros is unmanly or not masculine. Grow the fuck up. Don’t marry the first girl willing to give you a piece of the promised land and have high standards for your friends. My dad once told me my standards for friends were too high, that nobody could meet that bar. Well, fuckin joke is on him because I have a solid group of friends who don’t lie to me, or talk mad crazy shit about me behind my back. When it comes to love in either the platonic sense or the romantic sense, have high standards. You’ll be better off for it. I don’t miss one single shitty friend.

Don’t get so angry. Life has been shitty for a long time and your shittiness is not unique or special. Even if you have cancer, other people have dealt with cancer before. The Buddhists say that life is suffering, so if you find yourself not suffering, enjoy that time because it’s an anomaly. Don’t get angry at shit that will never change. Look I hate people who don’t use their blinkers, but am I going to fix every single person who doesn’t use their blinker? No. Instead of getting mad, I get thankful that I make it home safely each night in a world full of non-blinker using dickheads. Don’t get mad, get grateful.

What else do I gotta say...Oh yeah, back to the love part. If you love someone, really love them. Don’t mistake infatuation for love. That’s fucking dumb. Don’t cheat on people either. If you’re unhappy or you want some strange, be honest with your partner, but realize that you also shouldn’t make commitments lightly.

Own your mistakes. There is nothing more freeing than doing something dumb and then admitting to it rather than trying to hide it. Hiding it only makes you paranoid and that’s a shitty way to live.

Never lie. Just so we’re clear, a lie is when you objectively know the truth of the matter and you deliberately mislead someone else. Whether in jest or serious in nature, the truth always always always always always comes out. It’s easier to just tell the truth. Which doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have tact, you should, but you should also never use a lie to make up for your lack of skills in the area of tact. Sometimes being truthful will hurt feelings, but everyone will know you’re not a liar instead of having to guess at it. Which just so you know, being a man or woman that can be trusted is a rare thing. Rare things are valuable . Food for thought.

Exercise. The human body is an incredible machine capable of tremendous feats of strength, endurance, speed and/or agility. Test your body, find how strong you can be whether it’s ballet, yoga, weightlifting, football, soccer...it doesn’t matter just get out there and move. You don’t have to be an olympic gold medalist, but you ought to at least once in your life, see your own ability to get stronger or faster or less fatigued, it’s integral to the human experience, as is getting outside. Have an office with windows. When you’re having a bad day, go for a walk, outside around some trees. It’ll be good for you.

Be good to animals. If you have a pet, spoil the ever living shit out of them. Your house is not a museum, it’s a place where life happens. Where you have fights with your wife, where you sit on the stairs at night sobbing because you hold yourself to an incredibly high standard that you don’t always meet, where your first kid throws up on your brand new couch. Spoil your pets. If you hunt, make sure you do the honorable thing by that animal who is going to feed you and your family by making the most ethical clean kill you can and use as much of that animal as you can to meet your families needs.

Be a good steward of all that you’ve been given. Talents, wealth, land, friends...whatever you’ve been gifted in this life, make sure you don’t abuse it because God, or the universe, whatever you believe in will find a way to exact karma on your ass exponentially.

Have one romantic vice. For me, it’s smoking a cigar with some scotch as I watch the sunset. It gives me time to reflect, appreciate and sit in peace. Find the thing that lets you do that and go.

Be kind to people as much as you’re able. I hate those non-blinker using folks, but I’ll give them the shirt off my back because I have no idea if he didn’t use his blinker because there was an emergency at his son’s school or if he’s just a prick. Be kind as much as you’re able.

Play. All work and no play sucks ass. I’m a firm believer that we get old because we stop playing. Always find time to run, jump, slide, duck, leap and do all the things your body was meant to do. Make adjustments if injuries pile up.

I guess last but not least. Do something difficult. Whether you fight against your terrible temper your entire life or climb Mount Everest. Do something that is taxing and exhausting that will develop humility or empathy or just make you a slightly less caustic asshole.

I’m 35. I certainly don’t have it figured all out, and I can’t tell you how to execute every single decision in your life. These guidelines have and are serving me well, despite my grim outlook. Give them a chance.