Identity Crisis

There's been many days where I've felt the furthest thing from human that I know. I wake up telling myself, today will be different or I'll feel better after this nap. That I'll feel "normal" once I "wake-up". I'm not even sure why I tell myself those things anymore. By the end of the day I'm back to the same spot as I was the day before. Trying to regain control of a life spiraling to no end. Wondering, where do I go from here. Nothing seems real, and yet nothing surprises me anymore. I've seen it all before, yet I know nothing. I feel like I'm stuck in time reliving the same sad song over and over again, just to hit a high note on a good day to keep me pushing one more week. One more mile, one more minute. Just one more day it seems.

They say "Hope" is what we all strive for, what keeps us going. What gives us life and passion. Hope is what drives us to keep putting one foot in front of the other. What makes life worth living. I can definitely attest to that completely. The hope of something greater to come tomorrow is what drives me to keep pushing. What keeps me searching for the answers that I need to keep this journey alive. To keep the ideas and the passion that I have pumping my heart every day. Hope is what wakes me up in the mornings. What brings me to my family and not going off the deep end. I only hope that tomorrow I can become a better man than I was today. That's really the only thing that I hope for these days. Yet it doesn't always seem to work out that way. That's why I'm thankful every day I wake up. Just another day to try and get it right, now a days I just hope I wake up.

People find many different things that give them hope. Sports, Family, Religion, Spirituality, Money, Health, you name it. Something to look forward to that gets you through the week. That makes everything that bothers you in your life seem less monotonous. If not less, then it at least resets your joy meter to make it through the week until you go empty once again. I only hope that for you, it isn't the latter of the two. Personally, it all depends on the day of the week. All my days begin to blur together. If I didn't have a work schedule, I wouldn't know the day, date, or probably even the month to be honest. I'm so lost in the weeks that I honestly forgot that my birthday just past a couple weeks ago (lol). Sometimes I have to remind myself that these days only have meaning if we give them one. Meaning, we have to make every day worth living for. We sometimes have to make our own hope.

Now when I say "Make our own hope" I don't mean that you have to lie to yourself because everything is hopeless. I'm saying that you have to actively pursue hope and things that give you hope. Even with religious and spiritual beliefs. At times, it seems as if no matter how much evidence that can be presented to you, you still have days where it just seems like things won't get better. Of course, I don't believe that any of those books claim to make your life perfect while following the belief. However, they do offer a lot more hope, and clarity to our lives and something to live for. They add a little more "something" to what seems like empty nothingness. A vast universe full of mysteries that can't always be explained but hopefully explored. Maybe one day will have all the answers that we are looking for. At least, I feel like there is a little bit of hope here and that is enough to keep me going every day.

I sometimes have to remind myself that I am not the only person who feels these emotions. I know that we are all searching for meaning and purpose. That everyone just really wants and needs to feel loved by someone else. Not to feel alone in a massive universe that seems to be as unforgiving as the people it creates. The cold planet we live on, only being warmed by the massive star for a certain interval of hours in the day, full of beings who are just as cold and unforgiving as the icy void we call space. While simultaneously being balanced with beings who give Life and Love to us every day. The same people that brighten up our lives and days with just their presence alone. That can put a smile on your face even when you were five seconds from breaking into tears, or ready to go over the edge with your so-called nemesis at work. Emotions are in fact, what makes us human. Often, I remind myself that just because I feel these emotions, doesn't mean I have to live, or become my them. Accepting them for what they are, releasing them in the heat of the moment. Not letting them sit and eat away at my hope for a brighter tomorrow.

So where am I going with this? Hopefully, just letting you know that you aren't alone in this world. I can't really answer the question as to who we are personally. Many times I thought I knew, just to be stomped out of my pride from new evidence I discover. The journey is frightening yet beautiful at the same time. Im grateful to find that there are people who ask the same questions everyday that we all want the answers to. We are all looking, searching for our own peace one way or another. To let you know that no matter what route we take, there are consequences. Good and Bad alike. Life is a rollercoaster until the very end. The question is, are you screaming with joy, or in fear? The choice is yours.