I WANT MY LIFE BACK (and that's completely valid)

We weren't taught growing up how to be "ok" during a pandemic, so therefore anything you are feeling is completely valid. And that also includes wanting your life back. 

Somehow because we're all in this together, we're all in the same boiling pot, there's nobody to vent to without looking like a melon. Everyone is having their issues, so moaning about missing little things like going for brunch with a friend, feels insensitive because a lot of people are going through a lot of crap right now so missing going to brunch with a friend? Really? Have you seen the state of the NHS or the white house? But the problem is these little things, aren't little. They are how we've functioned on this planet for how many years and minutes we've been here. All of those things that make up our lives, our diaries, navigate our way through our days have been ripped from under us. And it's ok to feel crap about that, and still agree that it's the right thing to do, and acknowledge other people are having an even crappier time. 

So I'm going to say it. I miss a lot. And that doesn't mean that I don't recognise everyone else is missing the same things. But today I miss a lot. I miss going to the cinema every Wednesday because it's both 2-4-1 and only £4.99 at my local VUE cinema, smelling the popcorn, watching the trailers turning to whoever is next to me saying 'can't wait to see that one' at every other film, and leaving the cinema utterly inspired and full of that unreplicated energy that you get from sharing a movie with a bunch of strangers. I miss swimming (I know gyms have been open for some of the pandemic, but I've not felt comfortable to go), putting my goggles on, towel at the side, dipping in where it's too cold at first but then warms up after some laps, then when I'm too tired paddling at the side feeling encompassed by the water as the echo of any conversation flickers across the walls. I miss hugging my friends, or even acquaintances - I'm a hugger, without any fear, and just sharing a moment of completely love. I miss shopping in crowded places. I miss watching live music in a crowd of sweaty strangers whilst it feels like that moment is the only moment that exists. I miss theatre. I miss performing on a stage. I miss going for coffee or spending all day in a coffee shop with a good book and a laptop whilst watching the shoppers go by. I miss practising with my band and not over zoom. I miss festivals. I miss celebrations. I miss the everyday mundane that now feels extraordinary. 

I miss travelling probably the most. Travelling is one of the only times I fully switch off. I'm a closer workaholic, mainly because I don't see a lot of my work as work until I realise, I've worked a 7-day week and don't remember the last time I had an hour to myself. This has changed since last March. I've found a lot more time for self-care, and pleasure days as I like to call them. But when I travel, I fully switch off. I don't send any emails, I don't reply to casting calls, I don't write anything, I just let myself experience. I need that somewhere else feeling to do that. I've really missed that, exploring somewhere else for the first time. There should be a word for it. Learning about a different way of life, attempting to learn some Duolingo on the plane which is probably more offensive that not bothering at all, mapping out an adventure day and then having a day to just eat and take pictures. The only work I do when I travel is making sure my Instagram followers are update on the trip with my polished clean feed that nobody actually cares about but it makes me happy - a good photographer is key! 

Today, I miss a lot. And I cannot stress this enough. That is ok. Maybe it's not socially acceptable to miss things that seem trivial right now, because we're all going through it, team effort, 'you miss that well yeah we all do'. Screw. That. You are valid. This is new to us. And I don't care that people have been through pandemics, wars, droughts, and not to mention the horrific toll that this current pandemic has seen both of people with Covid-19 and on mental health. By feeling pretty crappy about the things, you miss in no way invalidates the pain that the world is experiencing and has always experienced. But for today, cut yourself some slack, allow yourself to feel crappy at this overwhelming situation, and bask in notion that this truly is temporary.