I'm Not Scared

“Happy New Year!!” Those three words were spoken differently this year, some said it happily, excited to begin a new presidency. Others said it with fear, what if the vaccine doesn’t work, what if we lose thousands more before life becomes normal again. Some didn’t even say it at all, vowing to not say it until life was somewhat normal again. Personally, I brought in my New Year arguing with my roommate over why being unemployed was far better than losing your relatives to COVID-19. It was a drunken argument that left a bitter taste in my mouth, one that brought in my New Year with a new resolution. First of course, get a new roommate that has more compassion towards others, and second to improve myself. I’m not just talking about the typical new year, new me, but rather a deeper more literal approach to it.

Waking up hungover isn’t an ideal way to step into a fresh start, but it offered some clarity to what I needed to focus on first. See, alcoholism runs in my biological family, and while it fortunately has seemed to pass me, it's something I’m very aware of. As well as the part that none of my biological family ever got a college education due to addiction and poor choices. Sitting in my ghetto three bedroom apartment that I share with three other people to barely make rent, I realized I was speeding towards my fear. My fear of never amounting to anything, being a drunk living in a crappy place with nothing to my name. So, things had to change, turning on my laptop I researched and found the earliest date I could enroll in a certification course. And selected that date as my final date to finish my high school education and get enrolled into Medical Billing And Coding. Then the stress hit, how the heck am I going to afford to take the course and balance work with all my education. Not to even mention I am still learning how to be an adult and handle social situations, plus I have been handling chronic depression without my medication. My 20 year old brain just froze under the stress as it couldn’t process all the fear and excuses. But that is exactly what it all was, an excuse, I knew that I could do it all if I just breathed and planned my time right. It won’t be a picnic, but if I dedicate all my time to working hard and achieving my goals I will. So taking that deep breath in I decided I needed to set up a bigger plan to achieve the other plans. Because at the end of the day, a resolution is just a year long plan, a dedication to achieving that goal.

In order to tackle my schoolwork I needed a financial plan, I chose to be a delivery driver for Uber Eats, because of the flexibility. I just needed to focus more on that flexibility, so I just needed to work out a weekly goal. By staying with roommates in a crappy place I save about $800, which I can turn into education money. The plan was coming together neatly, I even wrote everything out in a planner book, color coding everything. The organization the excitement the happiness was overflowing, but as things often go, that clarity came to an end.

See, the previous year my roommates and I were faced with an eviction due to the aftermath of COVID-19. One of my roommates became unemployed and the rent became unaffordable, as the other roommate left. A rent that was once split four ways was split two, that negligence resulted in a debt being built. One that we were all certain would result in us being homeless. So when January came we were stressed about finding a new place, only to find out that we weren’t eligible to apply. As our lease end date neared, we were just awaiting the sheriff escort, I did the only thing I knew to do. I got on my knees and prayed, maybe it would work, maybe I could get back into my faith. The day came, but rather than the sheriff, it was a letter, informing us our lease has been renewed. Along with notice that most of the $12,000 debt had been paid by the state, relief had come with it. My resolutions wouldn’t have to be put to the side due to homelessness, they are achievable this year.

That knowledge led me to really think about what was important this year. Last year was traumatic, no amount of education or financial stability will fix the mental impact of that year. The fear of waiting for the knock on the door, of waiting for a sheriff, it will never go away. Being someone who struggled with mental health, this was a breaking point for me. I ended up losing a lot of my hair, self-harm was a crutch I used to get through the day. I knew I was slipping when I started self medicating with various methods. I relied on sneaking alcohol into my fast food cups, and looked forward to getting high at night. I started to skip meals and then binge to try to erase the stress, nothing seemed to prevent the insomnia and the 3a.m. tears. When the good news came, I vowed to never let it get this bad again. There are better ways to handle the stress, I have a dog, I could have walked her. I have an amazing family that I could have told the full extent of the issues to. But, I feared the disappointment, I always fear just being left behind. But, this year I changed that thinking, I am proud to be me, I am proud of what I will overcome this year.

This year I will not just focus on my education, I will focus on making sure others know I am proud to be me. Last year I let the events determine who I was and further thrust me into hiding my true self. I’m not going to be scared to tell people that I write stories that are enjoyed internationally, or that I’m working on self-publishing a book. I’m not going to be scared to graduate and get that certification and embark on that journey. I’m not scared to admit that my sexuality is anything but straight and it never has been. I’m not scared to admit that I love myself, curve and all. Because the most surprising realization I had when I found out the lease had been renewed, was I’m me. I belong to myself, and no one else is going to write, or edit my story, but myself. I can’t let others' opinions determine how I present myself or how I act or what I say. So I let that thinking guide me into making the resolution that the “new year, new me” was going to be literal. I’m going to focus on rebranding myself this year, and focus on being my own kind of person.

While my resolutions are not all planned for directly, I’m relying on the domino effect. Hopefully with a better financial stream, I can not only get educated, but also eat better. Which will result in my depression being easier to manage and will only help with getting me out of the house. My faith is something I only further look forward to exploring this year. In conclusion, while 2020 may have been one of the worst years, I plan on healing and making 2021 the year of light.