I Have Time

Life moves fast. And I’ve found that the faster it moves, the faster I move with it. My to-do list lengthens, my heart rate increases, my adrenaline spikes, and sitting down to read a book or enjoy a meal without multitasking sounds stressful. I think to myself, “if I would just do the dishes, if I could check my email one more time, if I listen to the news on 2x speed, then I could really enjoy this.”

I will not resolve to slow down the spin of the world or to whittle down my to-do list to only the essentials. Instead, when things start to move too fast and the colors in my peripheral vision get blurry, I will repeat to myself this simple refrain: “I have time.”

I have the same 24 hours in my day as everyone else- and how liberating to know that how I spend those hours is entirely up to me. Every minute is mine to fill with things I love or things that will make my life richer. When the dryer buzzes, instead of feeling stress pile onto my already weary shoulders, I get an invitation to slow down and clear my head as I clear my space. I will brew a cup of tea and turn on a podcast that I love and then fold the laundry. It may not be as efficient a process as it could be, but it will be a ritual that grounds me and gives me time to just standstill. And that’s okay- because “I have time.”

When my husband laces up his shoes to go to the gym, I will lace mine up too… not because I feel like I have to but because I want to. I know that an investment in my physical health is an investment in my mental health, so “I have time.”

My great-grandmother spent 90 long years on this earth. When she left, her sense of creativity and her sewing machine stayed with me. When a new little soul entered the world and needed a quilt, I gave myself permission to sit down, take a deep breath, and learn how to pull together color and texture and thread into a warm embrace from me and my grandmother that I could mail across the country. When my knees start to bounce and my jaw starts to clench, I undo a few stitches and relax my muscles. It doesn't have to be perfect, I can undo and redo and learn, because “I have time.”

My to-do list hasn’t changed. It actually has grown. But it doesn’t feel longer. I go to bed each night tired. The good kind of tired that makes your mouth curve when your head hits the pillow. Sometimes, I go to bed particularly pleased with a task completed, but usually, I go to bed blissfully content with the day that I chose to live. Every Moment is not beautiful but every moment is mine. I know that in doing one thing, I choose not to do 80 others. Sometimes I may need to mourn those forgone moments, but my time is a gift and I would rather spend it than wish for more. I have time. So today, moment by moment, I will start creating a life that I love. I will treasure my morning coffee, and the way that the sun shines in the bedroom window in the afternoon. I will carve out space for all the people I love and dwell on ideas and activities that make me feel the most like me.

This is no “Carpe Diem” resolution, rather a gentle intention to carry me through this year and the rest of my life. I don’t need to seize the day when I can find peace and rest in the everyday moments that come to visit. Time has not slowed down, but I have. So this year, “I have time.”