How did I get here anyway

How did I get here anyway?

My journey to a life on Paris.

Am I perfect? Ummm no I am not. Not even close. I’ve done the best that I can though . I was on my own for as long as I can remember. I went away to boarding school at 13. I had no real home after that. Whenever I returned I was given the sofa or sometimes I slept in the closet. There was no room for me. That’s why home is everything to me now. I had to build one. I lost my support when my grandmother died when I was 18. She was my salvation for as long as I could remember. She called me Lady. She saved me from my mother because at that time in our lives she didn’t love me. I don’t think that she could. She was too busy being lost herself. She didn’t have the capacity to love me and my brother. So she chose my brother. My grandmother saved me from my father. He didn’t love me either. Probably because he chose not to acknowledge my existence. He too was trying to find his place in the world. Having children when you’re still a child yourself is never easy. It was easier for them to pretend I wasn’t there at all. Thank heavens for my grandmother. I spent a lot of time with her or alone. I learned to enjoy being with myself. Do not get me wrong. I still love both my parents. My story isn’t much different in that way because that was just how it was back then. My grandmother often said laid by the buzzard and hatched by the sun. That was pretty much all of the people in our neighborhood. That was the 60s. My escape was reading, sewing and art. I was often scolded for day dreaming. Escaping into my mind was necessary. It was a much simpler time but it wasn’t easy for little girls. Not at all.

So how did I end up living in Paris? It was not an easy journey either. Nor was it smooth or a straight path. It’s easy to blame neglect and oh yes I was neglected. I was practically invisible. But I’ve never felt sorry for myself. I don’t wallow in any of that. It made me who I am. I did spend most of my life looking for someone to love me. Love was elusive. If I found what seemed like love I’d push it away. Being cared about made me uncomfortable. It still does sometimes. I feel like I should break it before it breaks me.

But I digress. I’m talking about Paris. So here I am. Living my best life; having escaped drug addiction. Having survived abuse and neglect. Having avoided AIDS and herpes. I’m not an alcoholic. I dodged the war that was crack. Avoided heroine and crystal meth. A lot of my friends and some of my family did not. I saw horrible atrocities. I saw a lot of good people die. I felt heartache often.

I had my daughter at 23. I had to provide for us. I did everything that I could to protect her from what I had endured but you can only do so much to guard them. At some point you have to let them grow up. You have to let them go. I spent too much time trying to please other people. I listened to the wrong advice. I made awful mistakes and sometimes I made bad choices. I hustled to make ends meet. No one really cared. My father told me not to trust anyone including him. He told me to be selfish. That was very hard for me and I got hurt often for being soft. My mother never hugged me or said I love you. I was convinced that she didn’t like me at all. She didn’t give me a compliment until I was in my 40s. By then she had stopped resenting my presence. I know that it could have been a lot worse. I had no frame of reference for love. I didn’t know what kindness was. How do you teach that to a child if you don’t know it? How do you even find that for yourself?

We made it though! It’s by the grace that I have a successful daughter and beautiful granddaughters. It’s by grace that I live in Paris and I have an awesome husband now. It’s by grace that I am still here at all. No wonder I am a bit of a mess. I’m still here in all my glory. I love the best way that I know how to love. I try to be kind. I try to care for my fellow beings. I adore my family. I’m fortunate. Still... I am not perfect. I won’t apologize for that. I’m too busy being thankful. I am to busy living life.