Fear

Fear:

I've been living the majority of my adult life this way and now I’ve come to a point where I can go no further because of it.

Any type of change in routine evokes a flood of anxiety in me to the point where I can’t even function correctly to get through the day.

I can’t tell when or how this fear of life—of living—began.

Now I’m here, telling my story, wondering if anyone else feels this way, or has experienced this before. I’m sure many people have but when you are personally going through it, it seems as if you are the only who is. We like to put on this facade that everything is fine but this does more harm than good. This leaves people searching for empathy with no one to turn to because apparently everyone else is “perfect” and is not dealing with these types of feelings.

It’s scary to feel as if you are the only one and it only stirs up more fear and anxiety, especially if you are not mentally strong enough or lack the outside support to get out this state of mind.

I tell myself to just move on, move past all of the things holding you back from reaching your dreams. My car is stuck in park and and not only am I afraid to start it but I’m even more afraid to put it in drive.

I’m holding on to jobs that don’t serve me, people who don’t compliment me, a workout routine that drains me, a mindset that restricts me. I’m suffocating myself to the point of no return.

I talk myself out of trying new things, meeting new people, eating at a different restaurant. I have such a fear of failing or being disappointed, that I am actually failing myself without even realizing it.

I have dreams and goals that I’m unsure I will reach because of my fear/anxiety of failing to reach them. What if I don’t get into the Master’s program? What if I do and decide that I don’t like it? What if I love it but realize that the career path it is directed toward isn’t necessarily how I want to implement my new found knowledge?

As you you can tell, I go down a slippery slope of what if’s that ultimately lead nowhere.

I keep waiting for a sign that I know will never come, hoping that it will put me at ease. I’m not sure if I’m depressed or just lacking in terms of self-confidence but my current state of mind is crippling nevertheless.

I loathe the term unhappy because I have nothing to be unhappy about. I know there are people that live under considerably worse circumstances then I, therefore, I will not claim that term. I will say that I am not fulfilled with my day to day routine. I’ve allowed myself to find comfort in living an unfulfilled life and that is not the path that I dream for myself.

I’m not sure where I will end up or how I will transcend to the next part of my journey but I pray that I don’t continue to waste time because of…

Fear.

Thank you all for reading. In all honesty, me writing and posting this is step past my anxiety and fears. I’ve always loved to write but never had the self-confidence to pursue it. Thoughts of self-doubt and judgment from others have always held me back from doing the one thing that has ever given me a sense of pleasure and purpose.

I hope that my words and ability to admit my vulnerabilities means something to someone out there.

With love,

Maleiyah Branch-Davis