Falling for the Right Person

I met someone. I wasn’t planning on it. It was at the beginning of a year in travel. I got back from Barcelona and a guy with a messy red beard and likely messy bed head under a beanie said “good job.” I smiled but internally rolled my eyes. He was just happy to have his snacks restocked at work. I must admit the acknowledgment felt kind of good. A few weeks later he comes up to me when I am setting up the cookies for the February birthday babies. “It’s my birthday this month.” I reply with “ok great, have a cookie” and I turned away before my smile becomes pure annoyance.

This isn’t the moment where I fall but it’s coming much faster and unexpectedly than I would have ever predicted. He is looking for cereal on the floor where I work. And two hours later I am at lunch and I notice there is a grocery store in the lot. It was like the heavens opened up a pathway. In fact the display of cereal boxes was the first thing you see. I buy a box and look forward to his delight over it.

I come back and look in his area for his nameplate only to find none. So I ask one of hisyour coworkers and I try to hide my embarrassment when I ask for a last name because there are five people with the first name. I send only the cereal box photo and move on with life.

Then he lmessages back a bunch of questions. One of them was “where have you been?” I replied with “all your life?” I am dying of laughter. We end up sharing silly stuff regularly.

About a week later it’s spring equinox and I just learned of a myth that you can balance an egg with ease on a spoon. I message him immediately and ask him to bring eggs. He sends a photo of some eggs. And nearly four hours later I messaged him “I think it’s time to rip the band aid off. And you tell me you’re not coming in. I will change into my black dress and put on a widows peak. And mourn this occasion.”

About an hour later we run into each other. He said “I am sorry I have been in meetings all day. When do you have time?” I offered “now.” We laughed over the struggle with the eggs.

He is cutting into the pie and I am laughing so hard at him struggling. I barely get the words out when I said “do you need help?” His laughter fills the air in unison with mine.

I am high with happiness when he tries to tell something about his relationship status. I will forget what he says. He goes on vacation and we message through the work chat.

Then I go to Japan and he knows I won’t contact him as I am leaving the phone behind. I end up leaving him a scavenger hunt that references songs we have shared, inside jokes we have made, and some of my favorite memories with him.

When I am back, he isn’t talking to me. He is silent and he comes down a week later saying he was staying away getting over a cold. He tells me he is having a rough time and everything I did meant the world to him. I give him some oranges I recently picked and some emergency C. Then he gives me a pencil that’s Japanese lead and Oregon wood. It s representsthe fact that I am part Japanese and Californian with Oregon relatives. I give him some Korean citron tea. He gives me a book titled “Nobody Has Their Shit Together.”

And my heart melts when he wrote “I was getting it for me but you looked like you needed it more.” He will disappear on me shortly after that. I will ask him if I did anything wrong and he says no. I tell him I think we are in a gift giving war. His chuckle was sweet. He reassures me that he cares and he just needs space.

While he disappears on me, I ended up missing him deeply. I would ask myself did I lose my soulmate? Why do I feel so alone? How did I get here?

I have a great life. I am going to London to see Taylor Swift, Florence with a friend and Mexico with a group of friends this year. I end up crying every time I never cried before. I mourned the loss of jobs, bosses, and friends. I let go of the lovers I never actually had and I grieve them too. I was a confused train wreck. I had a beautiful life and he wasn’t my man. He was just a co-worker.

I stopped and took a deep breath. If I was wasn’t missing him, then what am I missing?

Honestly, I missed the compliments. He told me everyday multiple times a day the things he loved about me. He was playful and caring with me. We seemed to laugh a lot. So I stopped and asked myself what do I do now? How do I create the gifts, compliments, and the feeling of being held in love now? I started buying gifts for my friends then stuff I would love for me. I added nourishing meals and exploring new recipes and ideas. I wrote out all the acknowledgments and compliments I had received over my life time. I posted it on my wall. Then I asked myself what would loving all of my life look like?

For me this looked like doing everything I wanted regardless of logic. So I made three videos and wrote a paper for a conference. I added more trips to my life. I went to Las Vegas for Meow Wolf and scheduled Texas, Denver, and Santa Fe all with friends. After the concert with Taylor Swift, I confessed to him that I wanted to keep in touch outside of work and asked why we were not going to see musicans or bands we both loved. He said “I want to go with you.” We didn’t go. I ended up flying to LA to see the artist we both wanted to see. Then off to Oregon to see a different artist with a different friend. At the end of the day I found myself loving myself and my life. I finally fell for the right person.