Experiencing the Radiant Sun

If this year has taught me anything, it’s resilience. It’s about the will to change and shape the crooked things and make them straight. In the past few months, I have been able to sustain a better way of looking at life through all the turmoil that has swirled around my family and me.

At a little league soccer match, members of my family could have gotten into a major confrontation. Someone called the police. The matter seemed to have settled. Like a cold sore, it returned in all its ugliness. I just think about this, though. Had not one of the family members notified the police, would there have been a brawl and injuries or death?

I also made missteps in my reading of situations. I hugged another member of the family which made someone else I call kin apoplectic. In the rage and fury, there came an apology. This person felt they were wrong and could not see it. When I accepted the apology, it felt the matter had been resolved. In a few more weeks, I would not read the signals again and out of the mouth of yet another Saunders came business that I thought would never be shared.

It hit home to the person who apologized to me earlier. This person did not speak to me for two days. When they finally reached out and said something, they felt the ultimate betrayal. I was mortified. I had no intention of ever betraying this person (again). Now, we coexist. In car rides, we just let the radio blare as we always have. Now, though, there seems to be a reason for our nondiscussion. In the beginning of the year, everything felt new as a Summer Olympics in Paris, France and a general election year in the United States would be scheduled. All seemed well and bright. I had been taking my prescribed drugs for bipolar disorder and completed one decade free from being hospitalized for my mental condition.

I patted myself on the back. But I also had to thank a certain family member for their love and support through this whole process. They carried me from my dancing in a dark place to experiencing the radiant sun. I knew I could do better, grow wiser, and complete the tasks that have always been swept aside.

Over 2024, I’ve had to learn how to be the most conscientious individual possible. It worked. That was until the latter months of this year. I felt as if I had been placed in a chamber of horrors. It felt like I had been pushed to the precipice of mental health and well-being. I don’t remember too much about 2024 except for the events which took place in September and October. Everything that could have gone wrong inflated into an ugly ogre balloon and showed that things could get worse. It continues to haunt me. I have nightmares about the days that should have gone without a foul incident. No, they keep on coming.

Perspective tells me you weren’t caught in hurricanes Helene and Milton…you’re not experiencing flooding…you don’t live in a place where fires can destroy where you live…you don’t live in a warzone like Ukraine and Israel….I know all that and I’m fortunate and not blessed or lucky to be in the position in which I currently stand.

This all is part of my life and I realize that my affirmation of reality rather than faith has brought me to this high point. By not trusting in the unknown and unknowable, I have a better chance of knowing for myself that I can commit redeemable evils and never excuse my trespasses. I have the capability to say that 2024 is nearing to a close. But what did I learn most about this year?

I found there is a way of expressing myself through the pain. I’ve been writing ever since I was five and didn’t have an audience until I was eight. 2024 as a year of publishing works on media platforms has afforded me the idea which comes close to therapy. I say that because I despise it when people say writing is “therapeutic.” If that’s the case, it’s the mental form of physical therapy after a severe injury to the body. The way this year rolled out was like a happy, shiny moment. I’ll never forget toasting to this year on December 31, 2023.

I recall holding up a glass of sparkling cider (I don’t drink due to the drugs) and proclaiming that 2024 would be beyond awesome.

I may have been a bit overzealous in my estimation of this year. It didn’t “suck” but it certainly tried my nerves, my patience, my resolve. If there could have been any other word to describe 2024, it would be like this writing assignment: challenge.

It challenged me to better understand myself. It challenged me to know my family and their boundaries better. It challenged me to remain true to my virtues and values. As an Objectivist from the school of Ayn Rand, I still get blisters and bruises from dealing with people who either never heard of her or are hostile to her ideas.

2024 proved to be a bellwether that indicated if I can continue under the umbrella of Objectivist Ethics or flounder under the weight of moral indignation brought upon by people in my own family.

As I look back, I can only hope to become a student of my own errors. I anticipate learning how to have greater discernment and common sense. Now, some say you can't do these things. They’re already wired into your mental programming from birth they say. I think differently. I know that wisdom triumphs over all. That takes experience. That takes you getting your head walloped a few times just to learn a lesson.

By knowing who you are, what you’re doing, and what you’re about, you can glean light from these various outlooks. In looking at 2024, I say my motto: never say you, “woulda, coulda shoulda.” It’s completely counterproductive and inconsequential. It's impossible to revisit the past but it is possible to plan and build around the future.

If we are to outline our lives, we ought to do so with gusto. I definitely do. I take all of the fears and doubts and subvert them. I gain strength with all the forces put in place against me. I anticipate all of this being a year of many tests, most of which, let’s face it, I failed. I struggled in this existence, this ‘24, and didn’t (so far) come out victorious. Like many I don’t count them as losses, but as lessons. It’s along the lines of “let’s never do that again.”

This past year will be like Diet 2020 in my mind. The obvious political and social terrors that plagued that year also bled into this one. But the personal disgraces which occurred during this time and that had to be addressed as well.

So I will continue to raise my face to the sun and keep 2024 behind me and trek onward to higher ground.