Disenchanted

I never imagined, as younger version of myself or as a teenager, that I'd be this unhappy in life. There are several substitutes for the word unhappy; some closer than others. Disgruntled, disenchanted, disengaged, displeased, they all mean roughly the same thing; a discontent for something, someone, someplace. For me, it didn't come along because I wanted to be unhappy, it came along because circumstances changed. Even though they've smoothed back out and have changed several times since, my attitude toward things has not.

It doesn't take any more energy for me being this way than being happy. When there is an actual exertion of force, say forcing a muscle movement that isn't normal, it takes extra energy. That's why they say it takes more muscle to frown. But, to a person who is constantly frowning, it probably doesn't feel different than a smile to a person who smiles often. I don't do much of either. I have kind of a relaxed, unhappy appearance.

After my military service period, everything changed. The world got very empty and cold. I lost interest in everything, lost confidence in who I was. It got to be a cold, dark place in my mind and I hope none of my readers come into contact with anything like it. Hopes and dreams, they didn't exist. Over relocation, finding a job, caring for my husband and young child, having PTSD and major depression I gained and extra 50lbs.

I wanted so bad deep down to find my purpose again. I enjoyed the mentoring, being trained and people asking for my opinion and my help in getting things done. That wasn't there anymore; all of the hard work and pieces of myself that I invested in camaraderie, making everyone around me work harder to better themselves was gone. Now to the hard truth, no one wanted to hire me with my skill set, because I'm damaged goods. I have a great attention to detail. I can push paperwork, write iron-clad arguments and contracts, can correspond eloquently with all classes of people, and I can help work out the bugs in operations. But none of that matters when no one is willing to hire you.

So I adapted. All I had to rely on was my VA healthcare; my family was pretty absent and when they were around they weren't supportive of me or my husband. They thought he was but a hindrance to me, and didn't want much to do with my son despite making every effort to involve him with them. So I learned that relying on my family isn't very practical, I had to do things on my own. If you do things with a smile, great. If you don't, it's okay to not poop rainbows and butterflies.

Fast forward, I relocated to Florida to work on my education. I'm in my first year (again) of my associate's degree, and I have high hopes that with it I'll be able to get a career, maybe buy a house. I work with my sister-in-law at her business and my job is pretty relaxed. She is everything opposite of me, and everything that repulses me. I'm not happy. I'm content with how things are. Here are some things that I've found that may help on your journey. 1) Try to be thankful for what you have. If the bills are paid, there's a roof over your head, food in the fridge, you're doing pretty well. Dwelling on wishes/what-ifs takes negative energy. 2) Don't stop looking for things that'll make you happy. Just because I haven't found it yet doesn't mean there isn't SOMETHING out there. 3) Pay attention to your health. Many times, we forget that staying in bed all day can be a bad thing; we may not notice changes when we are tired or depressed. Make sure to address a doctor if needed. 3) Be content with being unhappy. Happiness doesn't grow on trees; don't be so negative about yourself that you hate who you are. You're an individual, individuals are all different. 4) Get a snake. Just kidding, get a pet if you don't have one. Animals have been shown to be an effective treatment for depression and PTSD; it helps to know you're caring for something. I prefer reptiles, but I'm a weird person. If you're a veteran, there's a program called K9s for Warriors, they train and place service dogs with qualified vets. 5) Lean on others, don't drag them down though. Sometimes we need help. Asking for help is NOT a weakness, like the military says.

I'll tell you my favorite saying, and it's kind of my mantra, "it is what it is." I use that phrase normally and nonchalantly. It's a coping mechanism, because I'm okay with things the way they are. I'm used to being around people that CONSTANTLY remind me I have no reason to be unhappy. Does one need a reason to be unhappy? I've apologized for it, I'm not pleased that I'm in a never-ending rut, that I don't get a rush from not smiling or laughing at jokes. I'm still trying, but healing is a long process. So, don't give up on yourself, keep trying. Set small goals, and work on achieving them with yourself.