Discovering My Power Through Personal Accountability

In honor of the New Year, I thought it would be fitting to share a perspective that isn't as popular or often discussed. When I have seen the topic of accountability come up in "the comments" or discussion boards, its usually been evoked as a reprimand that eventually devolves into 'something else'.

For me, it's an ongoing commitment that I have been refining for years in dealing with my own personal struggles against being a perpetual victim of circumstance. It's why I feel inspired to share my outlook on how practicing personal accountability is helping me improve in multiple areas of my life.

When I have seen the topic of accountability come up in "the comments" or discussion boards, its usually been evoked as a reprimand that eventually devolves into 'something else'.

For the better part of my existence, things always seemed to happen to me, usually in a very overwhelming way. From the moment I was born, and even before then, it seemed I was predestined to be footnote in someone else's book.

A lot of it had to do with the way I was raised. As a daughter of polygamy, my family life growing up was anything but normal. Our religious beliefs defied convention, we had limited finances, we moved around a lot, which also meant changing schools often, always being the "new kid", short-lived friendships and learning not to make any long-term goals for the future. (I mean why bother? It wasn't like I was going to be there long anyway.) I felt I had no other choice than to get comfortable with the instability that had been created for me, even though it was stability that I desired most.

It really wasn't until I was 18 years old, after my mom met and married my current step-father, that I was able to experience a traditional family model. For the first time, we celebrated holidays and birthdays. I could even choose my own sense of style. Before then, everything had been very restricted. It was only then that I had a little more room to exercise my freedom of choice. However, old habits die hard and hyper-dependency had already been well cultivated. Allowing someone else to make decisions for me, wasn't even a second thought, but my insecurities flourished, as well as a deeply rooted inclination toward indecisiveness and even worse, guilt.

For the first time, we celebrated holidays and birthdays. I could even choose my own sense of style. Before then, everything had been very restricted.

For a very long time I felt powerless against the circumstances I would find myself in due to allowing the choices of others to direct my life. So situations just continued to fall into my lap and I would constantly end up at the mercy of the whatever consequences befell, either positive or negative. If you can relate to my experience at all, you already know this is no way to live.

Much like a kite blowing in the wind, I was flailing around in the sky. A kite has no ability to choose it's destination. It goes in whatever direction the wind is going. It's at the mercy of whomever is leading it's tether, but I had a choice. There is always a choice, even while I wasn't aware of it at the time.

A kite has no ability to choose it's destination. It goes in whatever direction the wind is going.

During the early years of life, a lack of autonomy over one's self is natural. After all, we cannot choose when, where or how we come into the world. We do not get to choose our parents or caregivers either. So most of us are only able to explore the world via the lens of our parents, until we develop our own worldview. Nonetheless, there comes a certain point in our lives where we must realize our own path and purpose. The problem comes when we choose to opt out of accountability, leaving others to take the fall for whatever happens to us as a result of them making the decisions that we refused to make for ourselves. Which is still a choice!

...most of us are only able to explore the world via the lens of our parents, until we develop our own worldview.

Mysteriously, some people seem born to a natural sense of self-governance as children, while others take longer and learn it much later on in life, no matter how they were parented. More unfortunately, are those of us who are so stuck in a role of dependency that we surrender to whatever outcome is placed upon us, convinced that the problems and poor choices of others are actually our own. It causes us to waste our precious lives preoccupied with issues that distract us from opportunities that might have otherwise helped us elevate our mental or physical health, emotional state, spiritual growth or material wealth.

It took me years to realize just how little leadership and responsibility I had been taking within my own life. However, the realization didn't come until I was ready to confront the reality of my own blame and resentments towards others. It turns out that what may seem like the fault of others has a lot more to do with what WE allow people to do in OUR lives.

It turns out that what may seem like the fault of others has a lot more to do with what WE allow people to do in OUR lives.

Blame and resentment is the first indication that we have not done our own internal work in taking a leadership position over our own journey. It is fueled by the anger rooted in the notion of perceived helplessness because we have surrendered to the illusion of our own powerlessness, or at it's worst, selfish complacency.

So without getting too lengthy on this broad subject, I decided to make a short list of actions I am taking daily to be a more present, responsible and accountable leader within my own life.

I Refuse to Be Afraid of My Own Reflection

Being accountable means being unafraid to analyze and scrutinize my own attitude and behavior. Do I have double standards? Or, do I apply the same expectations I have for others to myself? Am I treating other people the way I want to be treated?

I have to look at myself and refine, because who I am is what other people have to deal with. If I am afraid to look at myself, how can I expect others not to be as well.

I Can Be Present

Awareness is such an important component to being accountable to myself. This means being clear about what others expect from me and what my expectations are for them. 'Not knowing' is not an excuse. If I'm uncertain, I communicate.

No Excuses!

When used too often, excuses can be another form of procrastination. I am learning to divide my time and energy into manageable portions. Over-commiting is a huge weakness of mine, so I try to keep my schedule simple so I can get everything done without excuses.

Also, what we tell ourselves is extremely important. I have a tendency to talk myself out of things I know I should do, but when I don't do them, I feel terrible. To combat this, I focus on spending as little time thinking about what needs to be done and just do it. One of my favorite sweaters has the caption "Think Less, Do More". Perfect for an overthinker like myself!

I Can Build Happiness From Within

For example, it is impossible to be truly happy when that happiness is externally motivated. Meaning, when we hold someone else or an object responsible for bringing us joy. If that object breaks, or that person no longer makes us happy, we no longer feel happiness. It also causes us to be more easily controlled by people and/or materialistic things, which can lead to making the kinds of mistakes that cause resentment and blame. I determined long ago that my emotional well-being should not rely on anyone or thing, but myself.

True happiness is generated from within and can be accessed in any kind of circumstance including those seemingly less than ideal. Gratitude and appreciation are also major ingredients in the ability to create happiness from scratch.

I Can Be Unselfish

This is a tough one.

Most of us don't like to think of ourselves as the bad guy, but leaving all the decisions of our life up to someone else and then turning around and blaming them for it when things don't go our way is extremely selfish. In most cases we see this dynamic playing out daily between parents and children, but by the time children grow up we generally acknowledge that our parent's were still learning themselves, and probably did all they ever knew to do for us based on their own upbringing. Especially if we have become parents ourselves.

But there are also adults who do not act on their own behalf, because they either never learned or simply choose not to. As a former member in the latter group (and practically encouraged not to from my upbringing) I am thankful I have been able to make adjustments to my life and behavior.

That said, making no choice for one's own life is still a choice that carries it's own consequence that must be paid.

I Can Create My Own Options

If in front of me are Options A and Option B. I can choose Option G.

At any given time, in the event I ever feel pressured or even forced to do something I am dissatisfied with, I take a minute to consider a broader range of options that may not have even been presented to me, even if they seem silly. It gives me the ability to decompress the stress I may have had regarding the decision and in some cases the ability to negotiate what I want with a clear head. Of course this advice cannot be applied across the board to any situation, so proper discernment is encouraged.

I Can Acknowledge It, Heal from It and Release it

Resentment is antithesis to developing personal power. It is the ultimate time waster because it is rooted in fear and helplessness. I have no time for it. That is time I can be using to further my goals, improving my education, therapeutic healing or investing in my own personal growth. I know people who have spent years holding grudges over what happened to them in their youth, but not much to show for the 15+ years they were away from the toxic people they they complained about. They carried their pain and resentment with them for so long they couldn't see past it into building a successful future for themselves. The most important thing to me now is using my power of choice to avoid ending up in similar situations. You cannot feel powerless when you have the time, ability and resources to hold people accountable for their actions towards you, so invest in yourself!

Blame is one of the oldest past times for people afraid or unwilling to acknowledge their role in contributing to their own unhappiness. This is why before a situation even occurs, I try to use my head to figure out how I can prevent an unfavorable outcome and avoid unfavorable people. We cannot control anyone but ourselves so why waste energy trying to make someone see where they were wrong if they flatly refuse to see it? And if they do see it and have apologized, there is no need to continue rehashing the past.

These are just a few of the resolutions I have incorporated into my life to help keep me on track and hold myself accountable. I know it may seem like a lot to take in at this point, but growth is not a comfortable process, it certainly hasn't been for me. Though I am sure this sentiment may be applied universally. If I had been unwilling to look within and hold myself accountable, I would not have addressed the behaviors that had contributed to my own past misery and failures. I am so very proud of the journey I have travelled and am looking forward to the path ahead.