Complaining is so 2020

I had a cheerful group of friends. It was the highlight of my month to get together with this vibrant group of women to chat, enjoy a potluck, have a glass of wine. Then the coronavirus hit. When the world went virtual, we kept up the meetings via Zoom, and at the beginning, it was not that different; we still had fun. But then I realized I didn't want to join anymore. For a while, I thought it was my mood that kept me from wanting to socialize. I had to travel overseas right at the start of the pandemic to help my mother take care of my sick father, so I assume I was too tired to join (I tell that story in my piece Happiness is My New Year's Resolution).

Then at the end of 2020, I tuned in for the last gathering of the year, excited to see my friends and ready to feel energized and connected. I'm sad to report I almost wish I hadn't been on that call. The fun, vibrant group had turned into a whining and complaining competition. Everybody tried to one-up the others for who was the most miserable, or should I say one-down everyone for the worst-year trophy.

But here's the rub: in the grand scheme of things, this group of people was privileged. They all still had their jobs or access to income in one way or another. No one was facing eviction, having trouble feeding their children, or facing daily uncertainty. Granted, we all met the significant, not-so-pleasant changes the pandemic had thrown in our lives, but we were not in immediate peril. Even more, this group of people has lots of potentials to thrive under the circumstances.

Why, then, were they behaving like hope was lost? Because it had become a habit. Back in March or April, when things changed suddenly, we all felt at best like we had been slapped in the face and at worst like we had beaten up and left for dead. The realities of disease, closed businesses, and lost jobs were undeniable. But it is also a reality that necessity is the mother of invention. Big success stories, the ones we can appreciate, do not start with "I was handed a million dollars and turned it into a billion." They begin with "I had nothing, and I built something." when you are dragged through the mud, you have two options: you can say, "I can't see a way because my eyes are covered in mud," or you can wipe the mud as good as you can and say "oh, I can see. My eyes may still burn, but I can see now." And then there are two choices: you can keep pointing to the mud, throwing some more on your eyes to prove a point, or you can use your clear eye to look for some water, then wash them both.

Thoughts are habits. And it is essential to notice when we have fallen into a pattern of thinking. Complaining is a habit so accepted that it is sometimes difficult to recognize that we are doing it. Society encourages us to "face reality," yet it discourages looking for ways to change said reality. It's like telling half a joke and withholding the punch line. It's useless, frustrating, and nothing good comes from it. Describing a problem in detail doesn't mean we solved it; it only makes it look big and overwhelming. If you are ready to jump off the misery wagon, here are a few suggestions:

1. Clear up your social media. Some people delete their social media accounts altogether. I did not do that. Instead, I chose to mute all of my friends except for the optimistic ones. When you mute people from your feed, you remain "friends" in the platform, but you will not receive their daily whining. Then I replenished my feed by following fun things I like: Harry Potter fanart, 1950s fashion, positive groups like The Alignment Academy, and The What If Up Club. Nowadays, my Facebook and Instagram feeds are nothing but fun and good vibes. And I'm in a good mood every day.

2. Don't respond to complaints with a complaint. When your friend that is a champion whiner comes with a long list of grievances, resist the temptation to join. Simply nod silently; when they ask how you are doing, say "I'm well," then give an example of something good that happened recently. That will have a double effect: it will retrain your brain to see past the mud and find clarity, and it will keep the whiners at bay because they will want to focus their attention on other people who wish to join in on the misery.

2. Find some new and clearer company. Check out some online groups until you find one that makes you feel happy and energized, and avoid the ones that make you feel righteous and justified in your misery. For me, the best company I've had all year came through the Team Up Challenge, a group of people dedicated to asking, "what if it all goes right?" We support each other, help find brilliant ideas, and spread love instead of complaints. If this sounds like a cool party to you, you can check it out at The Team Up Challenge (this is an affiliate link).

Complaining is a habit. And it is one I want to live behind. 2020 is over, and complaining should stay back with it.

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