Coaching Those Who Are Committed to Misunderstanding

Some people get it. They hear feedback, process it, adapt, and grow. They’re open, curious, and ready to take on the world with fresh perspective and a willingness to learn. And then there are the others—the ones who, no matter what you say, seem dead set on not getting it. The ones who are committed to misunderstanding, who seem to take pride in twisting every word into something unrecognizable. Trying to coach these folks feels like yelling into a void.

But here’s the thing: every workplace has them. They’re the ones who “hear” feedback but don’t listen, who nod politely but double down on the same habits that have been holding them back. They’re frustrating, exhausting, and, yes, maddening. Yet they’re also a part of the job if you’re a leader, coach, or manager.

The challenge isn’t to make them into ideal employees overnight. That’s not realistic, and frankly, it’s not going to happen. The goal is to learn how to work with these people without losing your mind in the process—to find ways to reach them, even if it’s only a few inches at a time. It’s about finding small wins in a sea of resistance, knowing when to push and when to step back.

Understanding the Commitment to Misunderstanding

First off, let’s get one thing straight: not everyone who resists change is a “bad” person or a “bad” employee. In many cases, this commitment to misunderstanding comes from fear, insecurity, or a deep-rooted resistance to criticism. It’s a survival instinct gone wrong. The walls they put up are there to protect them from feeling vulnerable, incompetent, or out of control.

Others, frankly, may just be stubborn. They’re used to doing things their way and have dug in their heels. They’ve decided that whatever worked ten years ago is still gospel, no matter how irrelevant it’s become. They cling to old habits like a security blanket, refusing to consider that maybe, just maybe, there’s a better way.

Then there are those who misinterpret your feedback on purpose, either to justify staying in their comfort zone or to sidestep accountability. They’ve become skilled at giving you just enough agreement to seem cooperative without actually changing a thing. And in a way, this is the toughest group to coach, because it’s not a lack of ability—it’s a lack of willingness. They don’t want to understand; they want to appear like they do without doing any of the work.

Strategies for Coaching the Willfull Misunderstanding

So, how do you coach someone who seems committed to misunderstanding? How do you make progress when every step forward feels like a marathon? Here are some tactics to try. They won’t work miracles, but they just might get you moving in the right direction.

1. Set Unbreakable Clarity: Don’t leave any room for misinterpretation. When giving feedback, make your expectations crystal clear. Spell things out. Document everything. Make it so that even if they try to twist your words, there’s a written record they can’t argue with. Sometimes, clarity is the best defense against willful ignorance.
2. Call Out the Deflection: If someone keeps sidestepping your feedback, call it out directly (but professionally). Let them know that you see the pattern and that it’s not helping them or the team. You don’t have to be harsh, but you do have to be honest. Say, “I notice you often say you understand, but I’m not seeing the follow-through. Let’s figure out why that is.” Bring the issue into the open.
3. Break It Down into Small, Measurable Steps: One of the reasons people resist change is because it feels overwhelming. Instead of a full-scale transformation, break down feedback into small, specific actions. Don’t say, “Improve communication.” Instead, say, “Start each email with a summary.” Give them one or two simple, measurable steps to follow. Small goals are harder to dodge.
4. Follow Up Like Clockwork: The willfully misunderstanding often bank on the hope that you’ll forget or move on. Don’t. Follow up consistently and set regular check-ins to review progress. This keeps them accountable and shows that you’re serious about seeing change. Make it clear that “business as usual” isn’t an option.
5. Frame Feedback Around Impact: Sometimes, people resist change because they don’t understand why it matters. They see feedback as arbitrary criticism instead of a call to improve. Show them the impact of their actions on the team, the project, or the company’s goals. Make it clear that the changes you’re asking for aren’t just for the sake of “process” but are essential to everyone’s success.
6. Let Natural Consequences Play Out: Some people need to feel the sting of their choices before they’re willing to change. If you’ve provided clear feedback and they still refuse to adapt, let them experience the natural consequences. If their actions lead to missed deadlines or create friction with colleagues, don’t shield them from the fallout. Sometimes, a little reality check does more than a thousand pep talks.

Knowing When to Walk Away

There’s a brutal truth to coaching: sometimes, people don’t change. Sometimes, no matter how much energy, patience, and clarity you throw at them, they’ll stay exactly where they are, stubbornly committed to misunderstanding. They’ll keep running in circles, leaving you wondering if it’s worth the effort.

There’s a point when you have to ask yourself if continuing to coach is helping or enabling. Are you pushing them forward, or just spinning your wheels in the mud? Sometimes, the best move is to set boundaries and let them know that further resistance will come at a cost. Make it clear that improvement isn’t optional—and be prepared to let go if they still refuse.

That’s not giving up; it’s knowing when to stop pouring energy into a lost cause. Coaching only works if both sides are willing to meet halfway. If they’re not even trying, it might be time to walk away and focus on those who genuinely want to grow.

The Balance of Patience and Accountability

Coaching those who are committed to misunderstanding is like being on a long, uphill hike with someone who insists the mountain isn’t real. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, and sometimes, it feels impossible. But every now and then, with the right mix of patience, persistence, and directness, you break through. You see a shift, a tiny flicker of understanding, and that’s what keeps you going.

Just remember that coaching isn’t about force—it’s about creating the conditions for growth. You’re not there to drag them up the mountain; you’re there to guide them, to nudge them toward a clearer path, and sometimes, to let them stumble if it’s what they need to learn.

So don’t lose hope, but don’t waste it, either. Pour your energy into those willing to put in the effort and know when to cut your losses with those who aren’t. Because in the end, coaching isn’t about making everyone happy; it’s about making a real impact. And sometimes, that means moving on to greener pastures when the soil’s too stubborn to grow anything.