Chosen Fate

“Please don’t do this!” I screamed. My heart was beating so loud it was as if I could hear the sound of a drum from my chest. My legs began to weaken and I fell to my knees. “Stop please! Don’t take my things!” I sat in the middle of my floor and closed my eyes. I wanted to pretend that none of this was happening. I pushed my ears in so tight that all I could hear was the muffling of my things being taken away from me. All of a sudden, it was night out. I realized that I had blacked out. As I looked around I noticed myself in an empty room. Although I knew what happened, I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real. I sat in the middle of the room for an hour, then it became two, then five. “What do I do now?” I said to myself. I couldn’t fight my tears from falling. “There is no place for me to go, nowhere to run. I’m all alone.”

I’m Carmen. All my life, I’ve felt like things never seemed to go right for me. Every decision I made always took a turn for the worst. I’m 20 years old now, but I’ve been alone for as long as I can remember. For the first few years of my life, it was like those stories you hear in fairy tales. A mom and dad, a house out of the city, and a warm fire place during the winters. I still remember my mom. She had long brown silky hair and always liked to keep it in a ponytail to the left of her cheek. She loved dresses. It was like she had the same dress in every color. Dad was tall. He worked most days and always carried a black leather briefcase to work with his initials on the top right corner. Every day was almost the same. Dad went to work, and I stayed home with mom having fun all day. She’d cook the best food and we watched the best movies. My life felt near perfect. Then I made a decision that changed it all forever.

It was a Saturday morning and mom asked me what I wanted to do today. I remembered watching on TV that there was a candy fair only open for the weekend. “Mommy, Daddy, can we please go?” I begged. We got in the car and Dad asked me “Carmen, which way should we take?” “Let’s go the long way Daddy I want to see the pretty water” I said. It was beautiful. The sun made the water look like clear blue glass. I looked forward while my mom and dad sang the tune of their favorite song. “I really love them” I thought to myself. Suddenly, I woke up in a hospital bed. I tried to open my eyes, but it was all blurry. All I heard was beeping and the muffling of voices. I heard the nurse say “What’re we going to do? We lost them both, she’s only 10. Find out if she has any family.” The nurse notices I’m awake and quickly pushes the worker to move forward in finding information. “Honey are you okay? How are you feeling?” she said to me. “Where’s my mom and dad? Why did you say I’m alone? I was with mom and dad, I’m not alone!” I cried. My voice began to shake. “Where’s my mom and dad? Tell me where they are!” I yelled. The nurse took a chair, sat down, and grabbed my hand. It was soft and warm, but her eyes were filled with sorrow. “Sweetie, you may not remember, but you, mom, and dad were in a very bad car accident. Honey I’m sorry, but mom and dad didn’t make it.” “You’re lying!” I screamed. “Bring them to me I want to see them now. I know you’re lying!” The nurse grabbed my shoulders and pulled me in. I could feel her heart racing on my chest and her warm cheek against my face. She whispered in my ear “Honey I’m sorry, I am so sorry. We did everything we could.”

Since that day, I’ve convinced myself that every decision I make, would only lead to heartache. I had found out that a drunk driver was on the same route that we took and hit us causing us to crash. “Why did dad have to make me choose which way to go?” I said to myself. Maybe if he chose the route, I wouldn’t have lost them. I convinced myself this was true and that it was all my fault for choosing the wrong route. If I had chosen another one, would my life be different now? Here I sit, ten years later, being evicted. I have little to no money. I work in restaurant as a dish washer and barely make enough to make ends meet. I knew that by tomorrow, I had to be out of this place. I had no choice, but to sleep on the floor for the night. Curled up in a ball, I pull my hands together and begged and cried “I don’t what to do. Why did my life have to end up like this? I don’t know what I’m doing. I need help. Please.” I cried until I fell asleep and woke up the next morning to head to work.

I took whatever I had left. My back pack, a few pairs of clothes, and my white tennis shoes. I decided to stop over at the park to get some fresh air before starting the day. I knew I had no choice but to move forward with my life. A tear trickled down my face and I thought to myself, “I still need help.” As I pick up my stuff to leave the park, I noticed someone had left a little black book on the grass. The front of the book said, “chosen fate”. In curiosity, I decided to open the book and all pages were blank, except first page. “Buy one” it said. I had no idea what it meant, but I thought nothing of it. I quickly realized it was almost time for work and threw the book my backpack.

Walking to work I noticed a man on my left holding a big yellow sign yelling “buy your lotto tickets here! It could be your lucky day!” Suddenly I remembered what the first page of the book said, “buy one”. I only had five dollars left in my wallet, but I had nothing to lose. I decided to listen to this little black book and buy two tickets. It was Monday and lotto drawings were happening tonight. “Why not?” I said to myself. I couldn’t think of any number so I went with the quick pick option. “I must be going crazy listening to a book” I thought. I stuff the tickets in my pocket and head to work. While washing dishes I hear on the diner’s TV that lotto numbers were about to be announced. I wasn’t expecting much, but decided to take out my tickets anyway. “And the winning numbers are, 17, 10, 22, 41, 24, 45!” None of my tickets won as expected. “Why would I believe what a book says” I thought to myself.

Work was done so I decided to take a walk until I figured out what to do. Suddenly, the book falls out of my bag and the second page said, “say yes.” There was no way I was listening to some book again. I had nowhere to go so I decided to look for a warm place to rest until sunrise. As I walked around a woman standing outside a local shelter said “young lady, would you like to volunteer and serve food in this shelter? You can stay the night afterwards.” Then I remembered “say yes.” I thought to myself “This can’t be a coincidence”. “Yes” I said, and quickly walked in to follow the woman in the building. As I’m serving food, I look up and recognized the man I bought the lotto tickets from. “Hey I know you! I bought those tickets from you today. I didn’t win by the way.” He looked up and said “ah yes! I’m sorry about that, do you have time to talk later?” I nod my head and continued serving. Later that night I put my stuff on my bed and noticed the same man waving at me to come by. I walked up to him and said “hey don’t worry. I’m not upset about the tickets, it was my choice to buy them.” “You see my son there? He’s 10. Although we’re homeless, he is very positive and driven in life. He’s a smart and wonderful kid. Anyway, I’ve been selling lotto tickets to help him stay in school.” “That’s great!” I said. We talked all night and I explain my past. “I’m so sorry” he said.” I smiled and assured him that I would be okay, but I knew he could see past my fake smile. “Anyway, I’m going to get some rest. Goodnight” I said, and walked back to my bed. The next morning, I got up and got ready for a new day. The curiosity got to me and I decided to open to the third page of the book. It said, “say goodbye.” As I was walking out I bump into the lotto ticket man and said goodbye like the book said to. As he shakes my hand and thanks me for talking to him, he hands me an envelope and said, “I hope luck finds you.” When I got to work I opened the envelope. Inside I find one lotto ticket with a note that said “One for good luck. I hope we meet again someday.” I begin washing dishes and I hear the diner television once again. “We will now announce the lotto tickets for 20,000 dollars! The numbers are, 11, 17, 25, 24, 15, 10.” I didn’t want to get my hopes up, but took my ticket out anyway. My heart dropped and I felt like I was going to puke. My number won! “This can’t be real, this can’t be happening” I thought to myself. 20,000 dollars and it was all mine. I thought back to everything that’s happened since I found the book. If I hadn’t bought a lotto ticket from that man, if I hadn’t said yes to helping in the shelter, if I hadn’t said good bye, I would have never gotten that last lotto ticket and none of this would have ever happened. “What is this book?”

It’s 10 years later now. It’s been a few years since I’ve picked up the little black book sitting on my shelf. I’m married now and have a family. I can’t help but to be thankful for the decisions this book has given me. “I still have a whole life ahead of me, what if something goes wrong again?” In panic, I opened the book and a message appeared. “I presented only the fate you chose. What you truly wanted in your heart. Trust in yourself.” Turns out, these were my decisions and mine only. The book only presented what it knew I truly wanted. I realized, I shouldn’t live in fear from wrong decisions I’ve made in my life. These “wrong decisions” is what brought me to the life I have now. It doesn’t mean I would never make a wrong decision again, but to live in fear is not living at all. When I realized I didn’t need the book anymore, the pages became blank again. I decided to go back and leave the book where I found it. Maybe it’s time it helped someone else. Moments later I see a young girl pick up the book. I smiled and thought, “I’m glad you found this little black book.”