Art Healed Me

I've always been creative since I can remember. It just never stuck the way it should have. When you're life is literally in someone else's hands and you can't just up and make decisions, it can take a few knocks from your self esteem little by little. Every time my dreams and desires were ignored, I died a little more inside. Whenever someone projected their fears onto me, I died a little more inside.

I never had a stable home. The one stable home that we did have, I didn't even get to truly experience it. I was a baby when my father died and part of me that I thought I would never know died with him. My father was Jamaican and I did NOT grow up knowing any of that culture. Essentially, I was lost and confused in every aspect of my life. My life path was a rough one because I was always all over the place. I never got to consistently express myself via art. I would always be uprooted from one place to another after my father passed.

I've created so many things over the last 30 years and I have nothing to show for it because my home life was so unstable. I never had my own room, my own space. When I drew things, I knew it was only a matter of time before we moved somewhere else and my artwork and poems, sculptures, designs, would get left behind. I kept losing myself every year. All throughout college I would get complimented on my style and my creativity. I crocheted and made jewelry during that time, but I was still not confident because I had it already instilled that once college is over, all of these things would get lost in the rubble of the world, so why bother anymore?

Once I graduated college, I went and worked regular jobs that gave me no hope for the future. I never decorated my desk at any of these jobs due to the programming in my mind that already told me I won't be here long. The longest job I stayed at was Wells Fargo, and even then I still did not want to get hired permanently deep down because I knew there was something more for me. I would squirm when managers would tell me they've been there for over 10 years and the most they've gotten was a nice shiny mug or a plaque that says "good job". That was NOT what I wanted for myself at all!!

Things took a turn at the end of December 2020. My brother and I went to best buy to look around at some tablets because I had to strong desire to get one. I was just going to get a cheap one to start with, until my brother pointed out a nicer one. The sales lady sold my brother completely on it. I said "I don't have the money for that one yet but that's super nice!". My brother decided to purchase it for me and I haven't separated from it since!! I had to find my art style, well rather my art style found me.

The pandemic was honestly the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I went through the deepest depression ever. I usually was always so nonchalant and had an I don't give a crap attitude, but the pandemic forced me to sit in my emotions and deal with what I'm feeling and if the path I'm currently on is even working out for me. That is when I started to draw differently. I wasn't fully understanding my drawings, but I knew the had some emotion behind them and some real meaning. I was never sure what I was gonna draw, but I always let my hand guide me. I always trusted my hand. It never led me wrong.

When I really hit rock bottom and was in the worst mental state of my life, my drawings brought me back, along with all the positive affirmations I've been hiding in my drawings. I felt a sense of protection that I never felt. When I turned 30 June 2nd, everything finally clicked for me. I've been rewiring my brain all 2021 and did not even realize it. I went back and read everything I wrote, listened to every song again that got me through the dark times, and admired my drawings all over again. Everything started connecting. All the pieces started to fit together. Just like the best show ever (The Wire) stated, "It's all Connected". Everything made sense and I felt the love I've always had for myself that has been buried due to people's fears and heavy projections.

Today, being 30, I'm finally able to be my true self and have inner peace. I haven't had a negative thought in so long. I don't even dwell on the past anymore!! I only bring up the past as it relates to the current topic I'm discussing at the moment. I'm so much more present, I check the time way less now. I am truly happy and I did all of this because I truly wanted to find myself and make sure my children never have to endure the identity crisis I went through. I get to wake up everyday and use my brain the way that aligns with my life's purpose. I'm so happy and I want my art to make others happy as well.

(Side note: the drawing above is how I found out I was Native American. I had no desire to figure out my ancestry until I started getting clues in my subconscious drawings. Pretty cool huh?)