Am I Walking the Path or Only Acknowledging That it Exists?

I have been struggling with anxiety filled days. It happens when I have been writing, but not publishing anything on the websites. It is prolonged when I see that the return isn't much at all. I know this is a path I chose and that I have yet to explore all avenues for writing income, but some days it is hard to be optimistic about it. Then I try to rush writing the book and I end up with pages of crap.

I do believe in my talent, but I question myself often. I think of those auditions for the singing shows that are just horrid. I wonder if those people truly believe they can sing when it is painfully obvious they have no control and/or terrible singing voices. Is it possible that I am not as talented as I believe? Did those contestants go audition with the encouragement and support of friends and family telling them they're great singers because they love them and don't want to hurt their feelings? Is is possible the feedback I receive is well intentioned, but inaccurate?

I am unemployed. I do get unemployment pay and that combined with a small VA benefit, I'm able to pay rent and utilities. I was able to pull my retirement out, but it took a big hit over the last few years and it will only go so far. It worries me. It makes it difficult to write. It makes it difficult to keep my mind focused on living positive and being mindful.

There are opportunities to make money as a writer, but when I see the sort of copy writing out there I know it isn't for me. I have no desire to write click bait articles. Many of them are poorly written, I think. I want to write from the heart and I want to write good fiction. It is why I call this page Musings and Fiction. I like seeing people happy. I want to help people feel loved and appreciated. Where do I share such ideas? Do I create my own web page? I don't want to be another "motivational speaker" or "influencer". I want to share how positivity, mindfulness, and gratitude changed how I live and how I view the world. I also want to share fictional stories that are always swirling around in my mind.

I read what others on Vocal have shared about getting more reads and try some of those ideas, but I don't full grasp how to use other sites to promote my work. Pinterest is one that seems promising, but I'm not getting how to share things there and get folks to actually follow the links to my stories. So I have all these pins that are the photos of my stories here on Vocal and I see people viewing them, but not interacting or clicking over to read the stories. When I view it as if I were someone who happened across it... it really just looks like pictures to view.

It feels like a different path than what I want. I want to write fiction. It takes time. Covid-19 has led to me being laid off so I am worried about how to pay bills down the road when the retirement funds run out. I'm dabbling with investments, but I'm clueless about such things. It also feel, again, like the wrong path for me. I am happiest in this moment... putting words on "paper". When I am sharing thoughts or creating a fictional world, I feel most alive. I feel far more comfortable when I am banging away at a keyboard to express myself than I do when I speak the words in conversation. I can do both. Writing feels more natural to me.

When I share thoughts as I am in this submission, I feel calm. I feel better. It is short lived, however. Once the writing is done, once I know it's close to the end, I get anxious again. My thoughts turn to how much I have slept. It turns to self criticism about what time I wake up for the day. It doesn't matter, as I don't punch a clock, but I feel like I'm late for something if I sleep in too long. I can write any time of the day. I don't need to start at 8:00 am. I know a routine is something most writers advise is important to the craft. My ideas come to me at odd times, though, so I'm not always in a writing mindset when I wake up. Some days, I don't feel like writing at all. Those are the days when the anxiety hits me most because I do believe I should write every day no matter what I write.

I have not let the anxiety get me to the point that I no longer believe that I am following the right path. I do believe I should be a writer. My direction is guided by the wind, though. Even my fiction is varied. I enjoy writing for challenges, so it leads to a variety of stories. I guess if I am honest, though, most have a sense of mystery to them. My favorite authors growing up were Stephen King and Clive Barker. I liked other authors... Steinbeck, Salinger, Capote, Poe, Lovecraft, Hemingway, Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, L'Engle, Shelley among others. Over the years I became a fan of some of Dean Koontz. I've enjoyed Cormac McCarthy, Hunter S. Thompson, Burrows and so many more. My tastes are wide when it comes to what I will read, but most of what draws me are fantasy, sci fi, and horror. When I think of these greats, I think of how you know who you are reading by what the subject is as much as by their style. It adds to my anxiety when I consider that I seem to write within a few different genres and these amazing authors seem consistent in their respective genres.

I will be 50 in April. It feels like I'm too old to start pursuing a writing career, but it also feels like the best time for me to do so. It is the first time in all my years that I feel like I am doing what I should be doing. My thoughts get in my way too often, but there is a persistent voice that assures me this is what my life should have been all along and it is time that I make it so. I think I have had luck guide me for so long when it came to a "career path" that I have forgotten what it is to put the work into it. This is the first time I want to stay committed to what I want to do with my life and the first time I see it with clarity rather than fantasy.

I will follow this path to its end. What is the end that I expect to find? I only know that I want my writing to entertain and take readers away from the real world for a while. I also want to spread positivity and love. I see the weary souls going about their lives around me and I want to reach out and let them know they are loved... they matter. I do not aspire to etch my name in history. I would rather bring love and positivity to the present in such a way that others continue to spread them long after I am gone.