After Thousands of Obscure Sunset

I never thought my destiny will bring me here, where every moment I feel like I’m drowning. It seems like I’m stuck somewhere where I can’t breathe. I look around, everything is normal. Life is going on in his race. Everyone has a hectic schedule from dawn to dusk. The day starts with rays of sunlight that wake them up and ends with exhaustion. Sunset after sunset goes on. But I’m the only one whose life is standstill.

This is not a nightmare! This is how I felt every day, even when I was surrounded by people.

I’m a university student. I recently graduated from a well-known university, where many students dreamt to be. But the journey wasn’t as smooth as it sounds.

When I was a kid, I was as unruly as other kids. I had dreams, I had a goal. I was hopeful. Life was beautiful there. I loved to make friends, playing together, and doing all the fun things in school. In my kinder garden, one of our friends has a lot of storybooks like short stories and many more Disney stories which were depicted attractively. We were kind of fond of it. So she brought a new book every day. In Tiffin's time or even in-class break she used to read stories to us. We all gathered around her and listen to the story with closer attention as if we were in Disney land. If any story remained unfinished, I was eagerly waiting for the next day to come.

I could remember those days how vivid and restless days I ever had in my childhood. Who thought that life would take me to the place where I found myself as a stranger! who is completely a different person!

My first day of university wasn’t that cool that it should be. Before admitting to the university I didn’t have any plan ahead. But one thing was clear that I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be somewhere else. And that was my track until I fell into this backward. Nevertheless, it was a renowned public university and then my family’s financial condition was not good enough to admit me to a private university. I had no other options but to admit there. At first, I thought it was going to be okay. But it wasn’t. After attending class for the first few days I couldn’t make myself convince to continue in the department. So I made a big decision to drop a year and retook the admission. I already believed, maybe I will get admission in my favorable subject and things will change.

But sometimes things don’t work out the way you think they would. And even this time that exactly what happened to me. I was devastated not knowing what to do. I lost a year. I lost my hope, my confidence, and eventually, I lost all of my spirits. I knew that it would be difficult for me to accept all those things that I left behind but I never thought it would be this hard!

Nobody ever knows what I was going through at that time. But it was the worst part of my life. It was not that I didn’t try. Because I didn’t like the subject that I got I decided to make friends so that I could find a reason to feel good and then maybe I will adapt there. Yet it didn’t work. Our department has a rule of rag that senior can’t be treated as a friend. As I lost a year I was treated as a senior to my classmate in my whole campus life. So it turned out that I was in a department where I never meant to be with no friends.

It was like a hell. I lost my last hope to survive there and the enthusiasm that was left behind. I couldn’t concentrate in the classroom. I was aloof, I was alone. Every day when everyone was asleep, In my darkroom I sat on the floor with my back against the door, arms around my knees as I lowered my head I couldn’t stop crying. I cried. I cried harder than ever. I cried night after night. Still, it didn’t reduce my pain.

Day after day I lost my energy and I couldn’t study. And I kept doing poorly in exams. I didn’t get much help from anybody except one or two of my classmates. I was quiet. I was known as an alien to everybody. I had been humiliated by my classmates quite a few times. The worst thing was I started feeling inferior to others. And this inferiority precluded me from doing other things, searching for my passion, and even engaging with any extracurricular activities. My everyday schedule was boring. Every moment I felt like I was drowning without knowing where was the end.

Every day I was waiting for the next sunset. And then sunset after sunset had passed. I was only counting the days to end never realizing what next. I was crushed. I had already accepted the fact that there is nothing I could do in the future, accepted myself as a black sheep of the family until the day finally came.

When I asked myself, is this really me? Am I supposed to be here? Who was I and who I am now? What is my dream? What I truly want?

Thousand of questions arouse in me and every question defeated me hard as a nail. It was like an echoing voice continuously hurt me like a hell. I was struggling to find my breath.

And then the next few days I realized something that was even more precarious! If there’s anybody who was cruel to me is none other than me! I killed my true self! I killed my own curiosity! I was never strong enough to fight back with life. Day after day I allowed them to hurt me. My silence made them hurt me enough! I was never compassionate to myself! I let my dream die miserably! All these years how could I be so unkind to myself! How could I be so heartless!! When I forgot to love myself, how could I expect other people to love me! I spent days agonizing over all those remorseful guilt.

Thinking about the questions and sum up all the equation of my life I realized, maybe a part of my life was not fair doesn’t mean I have to live with this forever!

Then I asked myself, can I make it up to me? This thought gave me goosebumps. I was scared. A lot of negative thoughts gripped me right away. It’s too late. I already destroy 5 years of my life. What if I failed? What if I lost everything? There was countless doubt until I make up my mind that I will risk it!

I’m still working on it. I don’t want to live my life with regret anymore. Even if I could go a bit close to my goal, I could say I’ve tried my best way possible. I have no idea what the future brings me up. Even so, I’m happy! I’m happy for finally doing something that I love. I’m happy, I found my true self. I’m happy for the new beginning of my life. Maybe this journey won’t be easy but I have faith in myself. Maybe there are lots of uncertainty but I have acquired the courage with incisive pain. Though it’s late, I’m fortunate to conquer the fear. If there are loads of obstacles but I have determination with me. If there hundreds of reasons to step back I have one reason to go ahead that is, I owe it to myself.

I want to finish with a quote from Harriet Tubman;

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world”.