After Saying "Yes," How to Say "No"

Consider this scenario: a colleague approaches you and asks if you would like to lead a new committee that they are forming. “Sure,” you say without bothering to consider. I'd be delighted!” In the future, you'll find emails building up in your inbox and a rush of events on your calendar. It dawns on you that you are overworked. You know you should say no after saying yes, but you're afraid to back out of the commitment after you've already said yes.

Saying no is never easy, but it's more difficult when you've already said yes to a commitment. You may be concerned that pulling out would cause you to lose face, be regarded as flaky or untrustworthy, or lead to you being labeled as a poor team player. These concerns are heightened for “sensitive strivers,” or extremely sensitive high-achievers who overthink situations and struggle to set limits.

If you can relate, the notion of withdrawing your promise and bearing the brunt of another person's disappointment or wrath at you may be too much for you to handle. This reaction makes logical, because studies indicate that the brain does not differentiate between prospective social rejection and physical pain. Instead, you grit your teeth and stick to your guns – often at the price of your own well-being, which backfires. It not only causes you undue tension, but others may notice that you are distracted, overwhelmed, or resentful.

It is critical to uncommit graciously, whether you have overbooked yourself, discovered a disagreement, or simply can't or don't want to participate in a project. This will protect your reputation and strengthen your relationships. Here's how to say no after you've already said yes in a professional and tactful manner.

Consider the price.

Before you break the news, double-check that backing out is the correct option. Think about the opportunity cost. For example, suppose you agreed to participate in a new effort spearheaded by your employer but are now reconsidering your decision. Assess the project's importance in relation to important company priorities. If the project allows you to get exposure to other sections of the organization, create social capital, or learn new skills, it may be worth the cost. However, if the costs outweigh the advantages (for example, the influence on your personal life or existing initiatives), it is preferable to withdraw.

Change your perspective.

If you're afraid that saying no after saying yes would make you look irresponsible, accept that it would be selfish and improper to complete the work knowing you couldn't do it. You may feel kind and helpful by agreeing, but if you can't keep your commitments, it's not a formula for great performance, personal satisfaction, or successful relationships. Consider the good characteristics you exhibit when you gracefully exit. You demonstrate good prioritizing, time management, and open communication – all traits of effective leadership.

Be courteous while remaining truthful.

When it comes time to convey your point, be strong and clear without going into too much detail. In other words, strive to be straightforward, intelligent, and, most importantly, honest. For example, if you were leaving a friend's committee, you could say something like, "When I stated I could join the committee last month, I completely felt I had the bandwidth to do a fantastic job." After taking a closer look at my calendar, I discovered I'd overcommitted myself and had numerous work engagements that I couldn't change. As a result, I will be unable to serve as chair.”

Giving a brief explanation or rationale for your decision might help your withdrawal be regarded more favorably. For example, you may say, "I know we discussed me joining as committee chair, but when I accepted, I didn't expect a large project to be handed to me at work." As a result, I must decline.” In the event that you decide to withdraw from the endeavor with your employer, you might explain, "I've had the opportunity to assess my priorities, and this new project will prevent me from contributing to my core work obligations at the greatest level." That would not be the correct — or best — option for me or the team, therefore I must respectfully withdraw my yes.”

Maintain the friendship.

It is appropriate to apologize and accept responsibility for any error, misunderstanding, or overexertion. After all, the other person was depending on you and may have made arrangements based on your presence. If you are leaving the committee, you may remark, "I apologize for any trouble this has caused." It means a lot that you thought of me for this chance, and I hope it goes well. “I can't wait to hear how everything turns out.” Expressing appreciation and concluding on a positive note demonstrates concern and compassion.

Provide an alternative.

If you truly want to assist, propose an alternate timeframe or reschedule to a new day. Take a raincheck and leave the door open to saying yes later by saying, "After reconsidering my schedule, I need to rethink my mind and refuse this invitation for now." However, please keep me in mind in the future. Would you like to contact me again in a few months?”

You may also avoid leaving the person in the lurch by proposing a different option. You might offer to refer the person to a coworker who can assist them or a contractor they can employ. Perhaps you can connect the individual to a helpful resource, such as a community, podcast, or training material that can suit their requirements or address their problem.

Take what you can from it.

Backing out of commitments isn't enjoyable or easy, but it may teach you an important lesson and offer motivation to overcome people-pleasing behaviors that may be impeding your success. Use this as a learning opportunity to develop more judgment in the future about what you consent to — or do not agree to. In the future, strive to say yes only to possibilities that interest you and that you have space for.

No matter how thoughtful you are, you may need to break a promise or change your mind on sometimes. Do not make it a habit, but approach the matter with care and consideration to get the greatest possible result.