After a Break-Up, Wake Up and Meet Yourself

You are going through a difficult break-up. It was a marriage or a long-term relationship, and now you don’t know what to do. You have come to the right place; well maybe. For legal purposes, it should probably be mentioned that this is only one author's opinion and that this particular author assumes no responsibility for said actions carried out by said advice. This article makes no attempt to offer legal or financial advice, which should only be performed by professionals in those respective fields. The opinions of this author are for entertainment purposes only. Now that legality part is out of the way, whether you feel like it was your fault or not, the first thing you need to hear is this.

You are going to be okay.

I know that is what everybody says and is probably the last thing you want to hear right now, but it is by far the most important. So, I am going to say it again.

You are going to be okay.

Let’s discuss the 4 things, in order of importance, That You Can Do to See this Through. Sorry for the rhyme. I normally publish under the poetry community.

1. Ensure Good Mental Health

This is the first thing that needs to be at the top of your list. Without this as your foundation, you are basically building a house on cracked asphalt. Dealing with stress is hard enough as it is, but dealing with stress while in poor mental health is a nightmare. If the situation you are in is deeply traumatic, which probably is given it was a long-term relationship, I cannot say enough positive things about therapy. If you have never tried it before, maybe now is the time. These days, it is as easy as possible to access. You can speak to a licensed professional in the comfort of your home via video chat or phone and have access to unlimited messaging through most forums. This is not a sponsored ad, but I have used BetterHelp myself and had a good experience. There are others, such as Regain and Cerebral, which can provide similar amenities.

Do you have any vacation time at work? Can you use it to take some time for yourself?

If so, seek out family and friends and use some of this time to spend it with them. Having a good support system is essential in getting your life back on track. Often, we are too scared to ask for help, but I promise, you are not a burden to these people in your life. That is why they are there, and sometimes it takes a bad circumstance to remind us of that.

Other things I would suggest to improve mental health include:

> Discover music again. Go to a show. Bring a friend. Rediscover those things you might have lost along the way. Music may not be your thing, so what else did you like to do when it was just you? Did you like to paint? Did you like to advertise yourself as a D.J. while clicking on a playlist? Well, now is your chance to go disc jockey those mouse skills for the world. No one is here to squash your dreams anymore.

> Podcasts. I know this one is overly suggested but somewhere out there is someone talking about that one thing you are a complete nerd about. And it helps to fill that silence occasionally with a voice so you don't stay too much in you own head.

> Clean everything. Reorganize everything. Turn on that music. Turn on that podcast. When your hands become busy, you will be surprised at how much this suggestion will benefit you because of the tendency to quiet the mind during mindless activities. Besides when you are ready to move on, no one is going to want to come over if you live in a trash can Oscar the Grouch.

> Make a Goals/ To-Do List. Daily, short-term and long-term. And if you don't know what long-term your long-term looks like, I have a suggestion. It really helps accelerate this process by making a vision board. It sounds cheesy, but trust me. You will discover so much about yourself as you start to make your vision board. You really are going to have to ask yourself what it is that you want in this life. Those inspirational quotes you like, won’t take up as much space as you think they will, and when they don’t, you are really going to have to ask, "What do I want? For real, what am I looking for?”

> Learn to be OK with being by yourself again. This is often one of the most difficult parts to navigate. This starts with the understanding that your feelings are going to come in waves. Not all days will be your best day. Not all days are going to be your worst day. That said, your feelings are valid, and it is OK to feel the way that you do.

Overthinking is one of the hardest barriers to overcome when dealing with grief. Whatever blame you place solely on the other party or you have absorbed solely for yourself, is most likely not the most accurate depiction of what actually occurred. It takes two people to have a relationship, and it is always going to require constant maintenance and work from both parties.

2. Succeed with Physical Health

You don’t need an expensive gym membership or to join a running group to achieve this. However, it does at least help to find a likeminded individual that will hold you accountable. Sign up for a 5k, a charity run, a bike race, etc. Having something on the calendar may be just the motivation you need to get started. The more you dive into this, the more in can in turn help your mental health and vice versa.

3. Reestablish Financial Health

How often are you going out to eat? Could you cook at home more? Have you combed through your finances lately to find out where your money is going? How many automatic subscriptions do you have set up and, of those, how many can you do without? Maybe you were the partner that felt to compelled to pay a lot of times and it could be a good moment to think about what it is you would like to spend your money on now. A good rule of thumb is the 50/30/20 rule. 50% for needs, 30% for wants and 20% for savings. If one category is overbudget after you have categorized your spending, then readjust.

It is of this author's opinion that you should spare no expense for anything that will help you in categories of 1 and 2 above. But that doesn't mean you need to add unnecessary stress of overspending to compensate for the hole you feel that has been left in your heart. But, be kind to yourself. If you want to buy that one outfit because it makes you feel confident and cute, this author is happy to turn the other way while you chalk that up to an investment in your mental health category.

4. Then, and Only Then, Everything Else

Once the 3 aforementioned things have been addressed, only then can you move onto this category. Self-love needs to come first and foremost. It is impossible to share your love with other people if you do not love yourself first. Having good mental health will ensure you can build and maintain healthy relationships with those around you. You are not doing yourself any favors by stretching yourself thin. It is perfectly OK to say no to commitments, under the condition that you are going to use that time to work on yourself. Continue to give yourself grace. When you are ready to move on, I suggest writing down all the things you want in an ideal partner. Then seal that note into an envelope. Once you start dating again, open that envelope and see if this new person closely matches the description of your ideal partner. If they dont, move on. And be specific. Don’t just say, “kind.” In what ways are they kind? Do they call their mother often to express appreciation. Do they take the time to send thank you cards when they receive a gift?

Lastly, try something new. Sign-up for Masterclass (not a sponsor, but absolutelt did this as love it), try rock climbing, take a cooking class, buy that plane ticket to go somewhere new (but not until prices finally come down), eat somewhere new if you budgeted like you were supposed to, go camping.

And remember, at the end of the day, when all is said and done and the dust has settled, you are going to be okay.