A Goal, A Pursuit

I’m not good with long term goals like New Year’s Resolutions. I have a habit of forgetting that I’ve ever set a goal in the first place, and whatever ‘self-improvement’ I’d have sought just isn’t given time. The more details and mile markers I set up, the less I care for the goal itself. Everytime I fail to meet those check-ins, it stings just a bit more.Thus, I don’t set resolutions, not usually.

In light of that I still have goals for this year. They aren’t arbitrarily bound to the calendar change, and they’re more generalized. Most importantly, these aren’t goals for doing better- though that may be a side effect. My goals, my plans, are about making myself feel nice. A small gift to me everytime I do them.

Now, I need to have a better sleep schedule, and it’d probably do me good to go to a chiropractor more often. In fact, going out and getting a massage on a regular basis would be fantastic, but none of these are my goal. I’m not seeking to maintain and take care of myself this way. I’ll do what I can to improve, sure, but that’s not something I want to specify. I’m chasing something else. I crave a specific feeling none of these can get me, not directly at least. I yearn for self-satisfaction, accomplishment.

My so-called resolution is to ensure I have time to work on personal projects that I intend to complete. Not hobbies, hobbies are wonderful and healthy, but part of what makes hobbies so nice is that they don’t need to be finished. While that’s great, it can’t give me what I want. I want to be able to step back from a project and admire its whole.

I want to be done with something I enjoyed making and revel in not touching it anymore. Maybe put it out into the world as a sign of completion; a sign of the time I’ve given it. So, each week, I want to dedicate an unspecified amount of time to advancing some personal project. Any project will do so long as I have the intention of finishing it. That fulfillment from concluding a work is an achievement I can stand to replicate over and over again.

Honestly, this is just a way to let me let myself relax. It may seem contradictory, putting more work on my plate- not just to do but to make sure I have the time to do it, too. Calling that a way to relax could be considered ironic. However, there's something calming about seeing effort culminate and knowing you're done. Letting go of a work and taking a breath because it's no longer on your mind. It's a form of personal care to see this completion, to seek these aims. More than that, I struggle with feeling like I am allowed to relax, allowed to actually sit down and stop. It gnaws on me at times. I can't have fun or just enjoy things because it feels like I've done nothing useful, nothing productive. It hampers my happiness when I'm perpetually preoccupied with that nagging voice insisting I do more. When it tells me I've not done enough, how can I find it in me to disagree? Seeing everything I complete helps. It quiets things. How can I be unproductive when I see the results of what I've done? My time has been useful when I can show off what I've made. I can deserve that time to enjoy myself, to make myself happy and relaxed.

This year, I intend to give myself a gift in the form of time to pursue. I want to fill my chest with accomplishment, so I’m going to chase.