Straight G

"I'm gay." I surprised myself with the words. I'd never said them to anyone before, never acknowledged my deepest secret so boldly. I waited to see the other man's reaction. In the context of the conversation, the man's face didn't change before he responded.

"But God is all-forgiving, all merciful, right? So you can be--"

I cut him off. "Forgiving, yes. Merciful, yes. But in my faith, it's not right. I cannot live as gay. I don't want to live as gay. It's wrong. It's sinful."

Confusion controlled the other man's features. "So, you must have known this for a long time, yes? Since you were little?"

I nodded. "Since I was a young boy in elementary school. And I've been married more than a quarter century to a wife whom I love very much, yes. But you remember how I said I gave her biblical justification to end our marriage some years ago?" The second man bobbed his head in understanding. "That was when I gave in to myself. But I--"

The second man interrupted. "But surely you cannot mean that God doesn't allow you to be who you are and to love who you love!"

I shook my head and said, "I do mean that. Jesus says we are to take up our cross, deny ourselves daily, and follow him. The Bible also says that when we are in Christ, when we are forgiven, we are a new creation, and we are to live a new life in Jesus, not following the old ways."

I continued. "I knew this about myself all my life, and I did a great disservice to my wife by not telling her before we were married. However, she forgave me. She is like Jesus to me. When given every reason to be done with me, she forgave me."

My friend nodded, but replied, "So all these years you've been together, you've been, ah, batting for the other team?"

I dropped my head. "In a sense, yes, but not actively. I still love her. I married her by choice, not by force. I loved our intimacy. I miss it. It's not the same as it was before health issues have interfered with it in some ways. But I love when she touches me. She has my heart."

"So, you're going to let your religion tell you how to live your life?" the second man concluded.

"If that's how you want to put it, then yes. But it's not religion. It's relationship with Jesus. He has called me to be holy as he is holy, and his holiness is the standard. No matter what I may feel or think is good enough, it isn't. Whatever characteristic in me that pushes me away from him is something I must deny, put to death, set aside, or separate myself from. And if that means that I fill up my heart with the love of God to the point that I'm not attracted to anyone on earth, then that's what I'll do. It may not be easy, but it's the prescription for life, because I'm determined to live the life of a straight gay."