Is Porn Acceptable Within Your Relationship?

In my previous article, I presented my definition of infidelity in the 21st century, digital age, stating: Infidelity is the breakdown of trust that occurs when you keep intimate secrets intimate, important to his primary romantic partner.

Using this definition, we see that cheating is less about behavior and more about lying, keeping secrets, and breaking trust in a relationship. This also means that the definition of fidelity (and infidelity) can (and should) vary from couple to couple, depending on the relationship boundaries the couple has agreed upon.

So, if a partner's use of pornography is mutually satisfying and is not kept secret or covered up, it is not cheating. If not, it is a betrayal of the relationship and is considered infidelity. Unfortunately, many couples do not discuss pornography and how it is or is not appropriate for their relationship boundaries. Instead, they just agreed that they would be in a monogamous relationship without even exploring what that meant.

So one partner may view pornography as “sex outside the relationship,” but the other partner may not. In such cases, a serious discussion is necessary. Even if pornography is determined to be acceptable (or not) in the relationship, the couple may need to explore what is (and is not) considered pornography . Is webcamming with strangers a form of pornography? Are camgirls and camboys (online sex workers/sex performers) a form of pornography?

Is looking at sexy photos on dating apps a form of pornography? What about ESPN's body problem? Game of Thrones? Ultimately, pornography is up to the couple, and the couple will decide whether pornography is acceptable within the parameters of a relationship. But pornography and similar behaviors need to be discussed so that there are clear boundaries. When these potential behaviors are not discussed clearly and specifically, problems can arise.

So what is the verdict? To deceive or not?

At this point, you may still be wondering whether using pornography is considered cheating. My answer is that it depends on you and your partner and how you define your relationship.

If, through general discussion (without manipulation or coercion), you agree that watching porn is acceptable or that watching porn is acceptable within certain limits, then the use of pornography (within agreed limits) is not considered acceptable.

But if porn use doesn't fit within the mutually agreed upon boundaries of your relationship, it's definitely a form of cheating. One final note: If you and your partner haven't discussed pornography and whether it's acceptable in your relationship, you should assume it's unlikely.

Telling yourself that everyone watches porn so it's no big deal is a bad idea without your partner's consent. Remember: Infidelity is less about what you do and more about the loss of trust you create.

In your partner's eyes, pornography use may or may not be a problem. However, lying, covering up, and keeping this behavior a secret will certainly be a problem.

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