Virginity – When Is It Lost?

Scripture can seem sort of quiet on virginity. Where older parents tell children, “Just don’t do it,” or “Just stay away from it,” the younger crowd is curious. This is the age-old dynamic: How close to the edge can I get without sinning? Many people experiment with sexual boundaries, while the Bible and church stress abstinence.

Some would say that Bible times would equal stronger, more chaste, people than today. But, then again, we can disagree. All the while, our own sexual habits, experiences and beliefs influence our standards and conclusions very heavily. Sometimes we recognize this, other times we don’t.

So, I’d like to ask you all, knowing we could all have a different answer…

…What is a virgin?

Almost no one would ever say a doctor’s exam of the vagina would equate a loss of virginity. Some may debate whether masturbation equals a loss of virginity. What about toys?

What lines have to be crossed before a woman knows she technically should not wear white at her wedding? Some believers have homosexual play in their past—would that be a loss of virginity? For men’s virginity, is it about going into a vagina, or about going into anything? What if he doesn’t cum? What if he only had the tip in and changed his mind?

Is the Bible clear enough? Should we know better? Are we playing God with people’s virginity? Is it any and all sexual contact, or just intercourse that concerns virginity?

Opine, please. But as you opine, consider this hypothetical scenario.

Say, at any age, a girl is getting married. She has been naked with other guys. She has been felt up, has been fingered, done anal sex, and has been eaten out, all in consenting encounters, and to her pleasure. She has masturbated to orgasm, has had as many orgasms, experiences, and partners. Basically, she has had everything in her vagina, but a penis. She has never had vaginal intercourse.

Now, her to-be-husband asks if she is a virgin. Technically, literally, honest before God, what does she answer?

LovelyLonelyLadysays:
March 4, 2025 at 10:26 am
A very good but so complex question! 🤪Wow, I'm not sure I can answer it. I do think the state of the heart is huge. Sex is not just physical; you do give your heart and emotions to a person with whom you have any kind of sexual contact. So in my opinion, if a woman was about to get married but she had had non-intercourse sex with other men, she would have already given away things that only her husband should receive. The heart and spirit are not virgin anymore. That's the best way I can put it. Now, she's not "stained" or less valuable, as purity culture teaches, but I think she would have to be open about her past. Hopefully couples would discuss things like this though WAY before the eve of the wedding!

Romantic Adventurersays:
March 4, 2025 at 11:16 am
Good question! While all of those experiences shape her sexuality, it seems to me that the biblical answer is no vaginal intercourse.
While I so appreciate and enjoy Marriage Heat, I have looked for a Christian marriage chat site where questions raised like this one could be more readily discussed. Someone mentioned the Songs of the Believers. I can find the website but it requires an application to submit for approval – but I can’t see a link to it. Any suggestions about Songs of the Believers or other Christian chat platform that share the values of Marriage Heat would be appreciated.

Romantic Adventurersays:
March 4, 2025 at 11:26 am
Oh, I forgot to ask. Romantic Blessings that is recommended by MH is a wonderful resource. If I am correct they work with churches and small home groups to host discussion groups around their products.
Have any of you participated in such a group. This kind of openness and healthy discussion would seem to be so helpful. But it is far outside my conservative environment.