The Biggest Reasons why 80% of Relationships Fail

Renowned therapist Esther Perel recently shared valuable insights on the dynamics of long-term relationships, outlining common challenges and offering guidance on building enduring connections. In this article, we break down her wisdom in simpler terms, emphasizing the importance of overcoming indifference, contempt, neglect, and violence to maintain a thriving partnership.

The Four Relationship Pitfalls:

1-Indifference:

Indifference is like a silent killer in relationships. It's when partners lose interest and stop caring about each other. Esther Perel explains that this creates a sense of estrangement and coldness. To combat indifference, it's crucial to stay engaged and make an effort to understand and appreciate your partner's feelings, thoughts, and desires.

2-Neglect:

Neglect happens when partners start taking each other for granted. This often occurs when people prioritize other aspects of their lives, like work or personal hobbies, over their relationships. Perel notes that neglect leads to complacency and laziness, weakening the connection. To counteract neglect, it's essential to invest time and energy into the relationship, not just in the initial stages but throughout its duration.

3-Violence:

Perel's concept of violence isn't just about physical harm. It encompasses various forms of disrespect, aggression, and resentment. She points out that people tend to communicate more politely with strangers than with their life partners. This acceptance of negative behavior within the family can be damaging. Avoiding violence means fostering a respectful and considerate environment at home.

4-Contempt:

According to Perel, contempt is the relationship killer. It involves degradation and a sense of superiority, making the other person feel insignificant. This emotion can cause irreparable damage, leaving partners feeling invalidated and worthless. Building a relationship free of contempt involves cultivating respect and recognizing the value of your partner.

Sustaining Desire in Long-Term Relationships:

Perel also delved into the evolving nature of sexuality in long-term relationships. She highlighted the transformation of sex from a mere biological act to a crucial aspect of identity and lifestyle. To sustain desire over time, Perel stressed the following points:

Recognizing the Shift in Women's Desire:

Perel pointed out that women often experience a decline in desire after marriage. This isn't due to a lack of interest in sex but is tied to the loss of seduction, romance, and playfulness. To counter this decline, couples need to reintroduce these elements into their relationships.

Maintaining Individual Vitality:

Both partners must actively cultivate individual vitality and confidence. Desire, according to Perel, stems from feeling good about oneself. Thus, personal well-being and confidence become critical in sustaining desire.

Embracing Curiosity and Risk-Taking:

Desire thrives on curiosity and risk-taking. Couples should maintain a sense of playfulness and surprise, steering clear of routine. The challenge lies in being open to new experiences and embracing the unknown.

Balancing Security and Novelty:

Long-term relationships often provide stability and security, but maintaining desire requires introducing novelty. Perel suggested periodically checking in with yourself and your partner to ensure you're both engaged in the relationship creatively.

Building a Resilient Relationship:

In addition to addressing the challenges, Perel emphasized several key practices for building a resilient and enduring connection:

Expressing Gratitude and Appreciation:

Simple acts like saying "thank you" and expressing gratitude for your partner's efforts go a long way. Acknowledging each other's presence and contributions fosters a positive atmosphere in the relationship.

Individual Space:

Both partners need space to pursue personal interests and passions. Respecting each other's individuality helps create a healthy balance between togetherness and independence.

Avoiding Unrealistic Expectations:

Expectations can lead to resentment. Perel advised against expecting one person to fulfill all your needs. Building a network of connections, both within and outside the relationship, contributes to a more fulfilling life.

Cultivating Admiration:

Admiring your partner for their unique qualities strengthens the relationship. Appreciating the "otherness" of your significant other allows for a more profound and lasting connection.

In conclusion, Esther Perel's insights provide a roadmap for couples to navigate the complexities of long-term relationships. By actively addressing challenges and incorporating practices that nurture desire, gratitude, and individuality, couples can build strong, enduring connections that stand the test of time.