Lessons Learned from a Non-Traditional Wedding

My boyfriend proposed to me in November, and by the end of December, we were married. There were several reasons why we decided to speed things up, mostly because I couldn't follow him to his new job location without being his spouse and we were running out of time. We love each other dearly, and neither of us wanted to go through a three-year separation if we didn't have to. Thus, knowing we weren't doing this the traditional way, we got married.

I found that there were a lot of questions that got asked, a lot of assumptions made, and a lot of pressures were put on me that weren't there before. So, here is a list of lessons I learned while I shotgunned my wedding in a month.

1. The proposal story is a point of gossip, and it is judged. Heavily.

If you're curious to know, we were in Denmark on a vacation and he proposed in front of The Little Mermaid statue. He didn't have a real ring he could put on my finger, none of our friends or family were there, no photographers: we were utterly alone in our little corner of the world. It was a private moment, one that will always be special to us.

And people have a problem with this for some reason. I actually feel the need to embellish part of this story because, actually, it wasn't in front of the Little Mermaid statue. We had already seen it, taken our obligatory selfies, walked up and down the harbor once, and we were off to the side by a closed ice cream/souvenir shop. In addition, he didn't actually ask the question. He put a fake ring in my hand, I asked if he was serious, and he said yes while on his knees. There was no question, but we knew what was happening. But everyone wants to know how he asked "The Question." Everyone starts there: how did he ask? Then I have to tell them the story.

I can choose to be honest with how "unromantic" it was and have them deeply dissatisfied and disappointed to the point of disapproving. Or, I can choose to lie a little, with some details that aren't necessarily wrong but aren't the whole truth, which makes everyone happier and approving of the marriage. Changing one or two details makes the proposal much more romantic. I mean, what's more romantic than proposing in a foreign country in front of a statue of a hopelessly-in-love mermaid?

Whatever it is, apparently the way this proposal went decides how serious or not people tend to take the marriage. Though no one outright says it, I can see the look of disgust and confusion on people's faces when I tell them there was no ring. I'd like to think that proposing without a real ring is actually a sign of respect: he's not, you know, choosing a really important piece of jewelry for me like it's some binding collar. I might be too "new aged" or something, but I'd rather hold on to the LEGO ring I was given for a few weeks than live the rest of my life with a ring that I hated, or insult him by returning the ring he so carefully chose in secret and getting something I liked instead.

2. People want to see the hardware.

Clearly, there's a photo opportunity here. Look at how big the rock is, look at how fancy the style is, look at this binding jewelry that I will wear for the rest of my life (ish). The next question that was asked was, "where's the ring?" Funny story...

Maybe I'm progressive, or maybe I've just heard too many stories of girls being unhappy with the ring (like, going so far as to RETURN the ring and buy a new one). My husband and I did things a little differently. I thought it was really nice that he didn't try to guess what I'd like, and not force a rather important piece of jewelry that I'll be wearing for the rest of my life. We looked at rings. Together. Like, as a couple. I found a jeweler and pictures of rings that I thought were beautiful, and we met the man who would work on our bespoke piece of jewelry. That experience was AMAZING. It took much longer to accomplish. We picked up the rings literally days before the wedding. But the process, the excitement, the trial and error: all worth it.

Admittedly, this was expensive... like, WAY more expensive than we were expecting. But we weren't having a big wedding. So instead, we got a couple of great rings from people that treated us with respect and dignity. I got a ring in a design that I chose, that suited my style, and with stones that we chose together.

Of course, no one wants to hear that he proposed with no ring. I had the LEGO ring in my purse at all times, just to assure people that, yes, my story was true, and no, I wasn't just making this up. Truly, I didn't see the excitement in people's eyes until they saw the ring on my finger. Then, for some reason, it made the marriage more real.

3. The bride is the one in charge of the wedding, and it's definitely not "her day."

I won't say that my husband hadn't been asked about all the details of the wedding, but almost always if we were together, this question was directed at me. While I know it's "every girl's dream" to have the big wedding and a lot of women have their entire weddings planned out; I didn't have that luxury. Sure, I knew my preferences; If I had a year or two to plan out this thing — honestly, even six to nine months would have been lovely — I might have gotten things planned out down to the types of napkins used at the reception. But we were trying to do this as quickly and efficiently as possible in a foreign country where our friends and family could not fly out at a moment's notice. But still, I was expected to provide some alternative to this "problem," because it was seen as a problem.

My mother once told me that there are two life events that are not for you, they're for your family. One is your funeral, which obviously you don't attend. The other is your wedding. It's not for the couple. Sure, they're the ones that the day is supposed to be about, but the ceremony and the reception aren't really for them. It's for the family and friends who want an excuse to drink and eat excessively. As soon as I told my mother I was engaged, she started looking up wedding venues, bombonieres, flower arrangers, and wine lists without me even telling her when or where I was getting married. It didn't really matter that my future husband and I just wanted to have a court ceremony and a few local friends to lunch. Our families insisted on having a reception at least whenever it was that we returned to the US. In addition, our families lived in two different states in opposite parts of the US, and they wanted to meet each other. That meant someone had to fly out to see the others, and that made planning much more complicated.

The complications didn't end there. Suddenly the family wanted to be Skyped in to the ceremony (even though it would have been like 3 AM their time), and pictures needed to be taken, and websites needed to be put up, and wedding registries were debated because no one was attending our wedding but half of my family would still want to give gifts. Then I had to figure out where I could tell people to send the gifts and somehow find enough money to scrape together to send it back overseas where we were going to live next. So then, I had to get a real wedding dress in two days so I could get it tailored in time, and he had to rent a suit because his didn't fit anymore. Also, hair, makeup, and nails had to be scheduled in "because, pictures." Oh, and don't get me started on the timetable and all the back and forth with the rings. All of this was up to me to figure out. I had a month to do it.

Long story short, the social obligation of a wedding drove me up a wall, to the point of tears, and I really wanted to give up. Honestly, I was happy that I only had to endure this mess for a month rather than the prolonged timetable that most brides have. I think several breakdowns would have been in order just to make everyone else so goddamn happy about it. I wasn't a 'bridezilla,' because there was no time for that nonsense, but I felt that social pressure weighing on me like a boulder. We wanted simple and hassle-free. There was no way we were going to get that, because it wasn't about us. It was about everyone else.

4. Some parts of the wedding no one can help you do.

I understand why some people go for a professional wedding planner. They know what's up, and they've done it a hundred times before. A lot of the pressure is taken off when someone else is telling you what the trends are and what most people enjoy: when to cue the music, when to send people down the aisle, what companies to hire because they do a bang-up job every time.

But there are some things about your wedding that are so personal that no wedding planner can tell you what to do. For me, my grandmother always wanted to see me get married in traditional garb: not the white wedding dress, but the red kimono with cranes embroidered all over it. I won't say that it wasn't appealing. The kimono was something that I had wanted to wear for a long time when I was a kid and didn't realize how expensive they were (like, I could probably buy several wedding dresses for the price of one new wedding kimono). I had sort of let go of that dream once I realized what it cost and how much of a hassle it would be. On the other hand, having the kimono would make my 91-year-old grandmother so happy that she'd cry. So, I did some research and found a consignment wedding kimono that cost less than my dress alterations, and I bought it. I didn't wear it on my wedding day, but I have it, and the symbol of the thing is what's important. I took a photo wearing it later, and my grandmother did cry tears of joy.

Whatever this priceless moment is to you, that's up to you to figure out how to do it. If I had let someone else tell me how to make my grandmother happy, I think it would have cheapened the moment for us. No matter how you manage your moment, I promise it's worth everything.

5. Sometimes family is too helpful.

Oh dear, here we go.

Mothers are wonderful, but sometimes we'd rather they stayed in their lane. As mentioned before, my mother began planning my wedding as soon as I told her I was engaged; before even I had started planning it. My sister, additionally, wanted to sew my wedding dress and make the cake. And as much as I appreciated the effort: NO. Neither of them understood what my husband and I were trying to do. It took my mother a long time to be okay with the fact that she wasn't going to be there when I got married, nor was she going to meet her son-in-law before the wedding. I don't think my sister took it harshly that I didn't want her making my dress, but I asked her to make us a cake when we all met up several months later (dude, it was small bunt-pan cake shaped like a dragon. I felt like a Khaleesi!).

For weeks all my mother wanted to know was the updates on the wedding: what we were planning, when it was going to be, where, what time, what was I wearing, where were the rings, etc: anything and everything down to the last detail she wanted to know. Mind you, she wasn't attending and could do literally nothing even if she wanted to help out because she was in a different country. At some point, I felt more pressure from my mom than anything else. She couldn't quite understand how small we were thinking. The entire wedding ended up consisting of the officiants, the bride, the groom, and our two witnesses. To my mother, this kind of wedding was unfathomable. After all, she had hosted over 300 people at her wedding, and more than half of those people attended the reception afterward. In her mind, she was trying to help by expanding what we wanted to do. Instead, the antagonizing compromising and explaining made me want to tear out my hair.

On the other hand, my mother was the one who knew when to call me when I was on the verge of tears. She let me talk to her about what was happening in my own time, in my own way, and for once didn't ask me any questions. Though I hadn't complained about the mess or my inability to handle my emotional state all the time, she knew what to do to help me. That, no matter what other pressures I felt, meant so much.

6. No one tells you about the paperwork.

Everyone loves to plan the ceremony and the party, but no one tells you what a pain in the ass the paperwork is. Perhaps it was just my experience as an ex-pat, trying to get married overseas, with some very incompetent people running the wedding office. But between calling to make the appointment, the website having outdated information, and the receptionists on the phone having absolutely no clue what the heck was I talking about, I wanted to quit. (I hope you're sensing a theme by this point...)

The interview and the paperwork itself wasn't terrible. The whole thing took perhaps an hour at most. I was asked a few questions, he was asked a few questions. We made sure that all of our official documents were in order and correct on the register, and then had to wait until the wedding day. Though I wasn't really warned about what was involved in this part of the arrangement, this was probably the easiest and smoothest process of the whole shebang.

I can't blame people too much for the not-telling bit, as every state and county have their own set of rules, and if you want to get married internationally it's even more stuff. If your parents got married in a place anywhere other than where you plan on getting married, they can't help you. And rules change all the time. Close friends of my husband got married in a very similar fashion to us, and they did it at the same courthouse a year earlier. In that short time, the information they gave us was outdated, and we had to provide pieces of paperwork that they hadn't needed to give.

Oh, but no one tells you how to file for a change of name. I had considered staying with my last name, but in the end, I figured it wasn't such a terrible thing to leave 'Yamamoto' behind. When no one at the register's office asked me about name changes, I decided to look it up... and holy crap, some websites estimated that it might take a person upwards of ten hours to fill out and file all the paperwork to notify everyone about name changes. Thankfully, there are websites that will do it all in one fell swoop for a modest fee and it takes 15-30 minutes. Heaven help you if you decide to go at it on your own... Good luck!

7. You find out who your real friends and family are when you make the announcement.

There are some really terrible stories I could tell for this section, but I won't. I'll just say that despite having around 400 friends/family on Facebook (all whom I have met at some point in my life), there were about thirty who actually gave enough of a shit about me to congratulate or comment on the engagement, and about fifty on the wedding itself. Even my mother tried to announce to her friends and some extended family that I was getting married, and it was met with stone silence. Some people who (to my face) considered me a friend have not spoken to me since the announcement, or word has gotten back to me that they were gossiping about why I was getting married: I'm not pregnant, I'm not a gold digger, and I'm not getting too old to get married (who the hell says that, anyway?). Perhaps this is the result of social politics; the fact that they didn't get an invitation to a wedding made them assume the worst. However, this made me truly reevaluate my situation and my relationships, and frankly, I'm happy that I didn't decide to have a huge wedding. If I had to invite a bunch of people to an international wedding that they wouldn't even attempt to attend, why was I friends with them in the first place?

But it did hurt, there's no denying that. I suppose that's how all big life events go. You find out who the loyal ones are, and you decide whether or not its worth it to keep those relationships that are only one-sided. If people were offended that they weren't invited to the ceremony, then bless them for the luxury to be so petty.

My suggestion if this happens to you: move on and enjoy your marriage.

8. The dress is judged.

I didn't actually think this mattered, but apparently getting your wedding dress mailed to you is a big no-no, even if you're rushing to get married in a month and are on a budget.

It's not like I was getting a sundress and passing off as a bride. No, I was getting a legitimate wedding dress without having to make an appointment at a bougie store, get my butt kissed for several hours while I tried on countless dresses to find "the one," and then pay for the treatment and the extra services in the price of my gown. I'm not saying that people who want this, have the time, and can afford it shouldn't. Heck, I would have loved the princess treatment! But. I. Didn't. Have. Time. And because of that, the look of disdain was imminent. Truly, it didn't matter that the dress looked lovely, fit, and suited my needs. I bought it on the internet, and thus it was unacceptable.

This seems to be a running theme in the whole wedding process. If you don't have the money or time to do it the "traditional, consumerist way," people start questioning the validity of your wedding and relationship. We all know people who have had the big wedding and haven't lasted five years, but we've also known people who have done the big wedding and lasted their entire lives. Why are we so quick to judge the relationship based on economic and time allowances?

9. "When's the honeymoon?"

My answer was always simple: "We aren't having one."

Again, we were met with shock and confusion. "Don't you want to have some alone time?" or "Don't you want a vacation?" or "It's traditional!"

Yes, we'd love to have all of those things, and yes, it is traditional to go have a holiday somewhere lovely. But we were moving out and relocating, and that takes up a lot of time. Also, time alone? We had been living with each other for months and had plenty of time alone. It's not like we had kids running around to bother us, or family interfering with our lives. Additionally, we travel a lot. Living in Europe truly broadened my perspective about travel and what it's like to make the most of your time on vacation. It was all bite-sized travel, sure, but I still experienced some part of those countries and cultures. Wherever we end up, we'll always have the opportunity to go places. Perhaps I'm too practical, or too new-aged, but just because I'm not having a traditional honeymoon doesn't mean I don't love my husband, or he doesn't love me, or that our marriage is fake. We just had more important things to worry about.

Final Thoughts:

Weddings are a big deal, but we place a lot of judgment on the aesthetic and the romanticism of the wedding. Not having the time or the budget to have a traditional wedding left a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. My mother still hasn't really forgiven me for getting married "without her" and I'm still battling her attempts to have a ceremony/reception of some kind.

BUT, I'm married. I love my husband and he loves me. We are happy. We're still reeling, and it's been almost half a year! Sometimes, we'll just sort of stop and take in the fact that we're married. Truly, it didn't change us in any significant way. We kept going the way we were always going to go. We still treat each other with love and respect, and we support the other person with all our being. Just because we didn't have our family and friends witnessing our union doesn't mean we love each other any less, nor that we take our bond and less seriously.

At the end of the day, it's NOT about the wedding.

It's about the marriage. It's about being happy.