You Are Not Who You Think You Are

I used to be an “obsessive” thinker. I used to believe that “the whole world is against me” when actually, it was me who was against the world. Yes, I used to be toxic.

I suffered from irrational beliefs.

Since I can remember I’ve had a distorted and somewhat negative picture of myself and other people in my life. I used to be very angry with myself and my behaviours at times were dysfunctional. I had to hit rock bottom to realize that I was devoured by my own negative and “nonsense” thoughts.

I criticized myself for almost everything and I sentenced myself to a lifetime of misery.

Back then — drinking was my only escape and my friend, confidant, and inspiration.

The day when I decided to stop drinking was one of the scariest days of my life as now I had to face myself in the mirror, sober, for who I truly am — a loser. Or that’s what I believed.

Nothing was ever good enough for me, I could just never ever please myself enough.

• Speaking fluently 5 foreign languages;
• Having two University Degrees;
• Having a high paying job;
• Publishing short stories;

But somehow I wasn’t critical of other people around me. My irrational and toxic beliefs were:

• I am not worthy of being loved;
• I don’t deserve to be happy;
• I am unsuccessful;
• I am fat;
• I don’t deserve friends or family;

These beliefs kept me from achieving happiness. Years went by and I was miserable from feeling miserable, so I choose to change the way I think about myself. I used the technique known as REBT.

REBT (rational emotive behaviour therapy)helped that what happens around me doesn't have to immediately affect the way I think and that these events do not cause my negative emotions. If I choose to change the way I am thinking about certain events then my emotions would be different. Easy, right?

Not for someone who is impulsive, often irrational and temperamental. I am fueled by my emotions! There is no place for rational/ logical thinking.

That’s not who I am!

The issue was that if let my emotions control me then I will be back in the miserable place where I started. So perhaps, I should give this “rational” approach a try? So I did.

A few weeks after practising REBT, my dog died. My immediate thoughts were:

He died because of me. I should not have fed him with the food I did, perhaps that cause his heart to collapse and if I didn’t agree to the surgery perhaps the “stroke” would somehow go away. It is all my fault — I actually killed him. I am the worst owner ever and I never deserved him. I will never ever have a dog again. Where is my bottle of vodka?!

Well, obviously this thinking pattern is very negative, damaging and leads to no good. Look I didn’t instantly erase these thoughts but I overcame them by asking questions as if I was writing out a monologue. I’ve asked myself questions such as:

Wasn’t my dog 12 years old and didn’t the vent say his time is approaching soon?

Didn’t I feed my dog every day with the same food as the night he died?

Didn’t I wait 45 minutes for his state to improve when at vets and it kept deteriorating before I decided to take him in for surgery — which was already said to be unlikely successful due to his old age?

How did I kill him by trying to save him?

What if I just wish to sabotage myself and drink excessively and I am just currently looking for a reason to be miserable and destroy my improvements?

Obviously, I realized that my dog's death is not my fault, nor are my obsessive negative thoughts. But it is up to me how will I decipher them and choose to act onwards. There are four types of toxic irrational beliefs:

“Must”, “have to”, “need ”and “absolutely should”

Examples:“ I must be successful or I will feel like a failure ”or “I must be in a relationship or I will end up alone”.

These are the thoughts that fuel mindless jobs and toxic relationships. There is ABSOLUTELY nothing that you must, have to or need to. Don’t demand things or condition yourself. You are setting yourself for failure.

“Worst”, “catastrophic”, “tragic”

Examples: “I fail this test, it will be the worst day of my life” or “my partner left me, it’s a tragedy!”.

These thoughts keep you in limbo and a state of fear. You are exaggerating and stopping yourself from moving on. Relationships end — it’s okay, it's not a tragedy. Failing tests, losing jobs and money is not the worst thing that can happen to you. Grow up!

“If” and “then”

Example: “If this person hurts me I would not be able to handle it !”

When you believe that external sources will cause you unbearable struggle, you are unconsciously giving up on yourself. Live isn’t easy, people may mock, laugh at you, hurt you — it is vital to build resilience.

Building higher tolerance is vital for your survival.

“I am a failure” or “I am not good enough”.

Example:“ If I lose this job then I am undesirable.”

Stop conditioning yourself and life. You are a human being — you aren’t perfect, you make mistakes, you make amends, you lose and you gain each and every day.

Today, you can be the best version of yourself — if you choose to be.

When you realize that you actually have the power to respond differently this time to a situation, isn’t it empowering? Why then don’t you choose to give yourself a break and tell yourself “Today, I am good enough”.

REBT is an amazing technique that helped me improve my relationship with myself: it helped me learn to accept myself the way I am with all good and bad traits. I often think of going back to my self-destructive behaviours, but then instead of judging myself — I practice acceptance.

I will always have that crazy first thought pop in my head which will point fingers at me and push me towards alcohol, but now I also have that other voice that says “wait, before you go and cause trouble, why don’t we discuss this? what is the evidence that your thoughts make sense?”

Disputing these irrational beliefs asks you to search and provide evidence. Evidence requires that you find an event that reflects your belief. You can sense something bad, but you cannot sense something that is tragic.

Tragic is a toxic idea that you hold. You can sense a misfortune, but not a person who is a failure. To do the exercise, get a sheet of paper and write at the top your toxic irrational beliefs. Be honest with yourself and viola — you are suddenly practising “rationality” and then you may find out that you are NOT a loser after all.

I am not fat either!

Thank you for suporting my journey and reading!

This story was originally published here.