Why I Don’t Hate My Fat Self

So let me start by saying that I am the girl, woman, and child in these photos. I am now a strong woman but at one time I was weak and childlike. I am 37 years old and I just decided to have gastric bypass surgery. I am writing this to be brutally honest about a choice of gastric bypass or sleeve surgery. So I have been heavy for as long as I can remember and I have been lying to myself for my whole life. In high school I was made fun of and picked on because in the 90s being fat wasn’t popular, it was one of the worst things in my mind anyone could do. It was hard because if you were a size 16 or over your choice of clothes were few and far between. So I always wore jeans that strangled my ankles and long T-shirts.

When I turned 18 I realized that even though I was heavy I could still use my body for things that I wanted. If I wore certain clothes then I would get attention and it didn’t matter my size. So what I did till I was 20 was use my body and use myself. I hated myself and it didn’t matter what I had to do. I was in an abusive relationship and I had no idea. When I was 19 I fell in love. We had a great relationship and then I was pregnant; we broke up and my life was over. So I ran back to the abusive relationship that I was trying to run from. We lived together and stayed until my baby was almost 2. He was abusive to me and started to be abusive to the baby. My life was in a downward spiral and I had no where to turn but home. I went back home and tried to put the pieces back together.

So let’s jump from then to now. I have been married for 10 years and I was cheated on 3 times in this relationship. We fought and talked and we have worked things out. But with this said I still thought I wasn’t good enough and I ate my feelings. I went from a 5’10 275lb woman to a 5’10 385lb woman. I couldn’t stand myself anymore and I didn’t know how or why I did this to myself. For the next year I took a journey with myself and my spouse. I learned who I was and why I did those things to myself. I started the journey for gastric bypass surgery and I lost 80lbs on my own. Many people said if you could lose that without surgery, why have surgery? I would say I am doing this because I always lose 80-100lbs and then I stop. My weight doesn’t move or I gain it back and I am done with that cycle. So I had surgery 2 days before Thanksgiving. I woke up and the next day I immediately was pissed and regretted the surgery. The pain was horrible and I couldn’t believe I would do this. Now I am a huge baby lol. This was not gonna be easy but I knew I had to do it. So now we are at day 7 and I am so thankful that I did the surgery. I want to continue writing about my journey, even answering questions or just being a shoulder to cry on or just be there. So please lay your questions on me. Thank you for reading and I hope to bring you more.