Why I Changed My Mind And Opted To Fight

"It is what it is" and "If I were to die today" were two of my dads favorite catchphrases. I sit here in the hospital bed reflecting heavy on him as I run through all my possible options I have ahead of me. Reminiscing about all the things my dad had to go through with my birth mom and me with this nasty disrespectful wolf disease. All this triggered because the admissions team asked a simple question. How old were you when you retired? Meaning got Medicare as an insurance because that is reserved for people who have worked till they are old and put into the system, have a nest egg and house paid off so they can live comfortably in their golden years. Catch 22 I "retired" at 17 BEFORE I even had my first job.

August 20, 2021 my reumatologist informed me they want me to do chemo treatments to get lupus calm and in remission. Since then I haven't heard anything from them left a new job opportunity so I wouldn't get fired for missing a lot of work due to treatments. Trust and believe I have called continuously to figure out what was going on still no call back. August 23, 2021 nephrologist informed me I'm no longer AKI (acute kidney injury) I am ESRD (end stage renal disease) and I am in need of a kidney transplant. However, until I get my lupus under control I know in my heart it will be a waste because they will just get attacked and be a waste. God willing I'm not gonna do that and waste someone's sacrifice to make that happen. All the while dealing with this trying to juggle multiple hats mother, sister, friend, church member, significant other, head of household and the list goes on. Motherhood being the top hat I wear at the moment. Which is why when someone comes at me, not really knowing me or my struggles trying to get a rise out of me because they feel some kind of way I shut it down, give them the benefit of the doubt and keep it moving. However, instances like this when I wind up in the hospital I reflect on the dumb, childish shit people say to me and how I let it slide when by rights I had every reason to go in. But raising a kid who stalks my every move she is my shadow and emulates me. She looks to me to be a role model just like my little sisters do. So for a brief second Miss Mary Mac imma call you out and give you the attention you seem to need from time to time when you feel like no one is on your side. I forgive you for the childish response you said to me. Your pregnancy probably making you hormonal, the stress of being social media famous probably getting to you, you constantly stirring up trouble and being messy so you gotta go incognito from people; yea I'd feel some kind of way too if I had to constantly watch my back. Honestly I don't know don't care but for ALL MY PEOPLE battling illnesses on a daily mentally, physically or emotionally they aren't sick because Of how they feel inside it's a science. And those people are more G and gangsters than actual people in the streets. It's something I've been told over constantly by people in the life, who were in the life and those not about it. To willingly lay there while others poke and prod you with needles and treatments, to get you better sometimes in the oddest and uncomfortable of places takes a different kind of strength. I applaud your struggles Mary and how you flipped it, but for the people who didn't ask for "how they feel on the inside" don't come for us you might have some explaining to do after this Lucy. Your dude said it best your attitude and needing to feel justified is BAD FOR BUSINESS. No point in having a good dude not in the streets if your not gonna follow his advice and let him lead. Wish you all the best though should my life go south this is my advice to you Queen maneuver better you got little ones watching you Golden rule chica follow it, will take you far. Stop causing problems then playing victim shits not cute.

Now back to my original purpose. I retired at 17 before I even had my first job. Why because while I was my dads responsibility before I got emancipated I had used up all his insurance (1 million) in 6 months. People around him saw his struggles and gave him tricks to work the system to his benefit. I was so sick in and out the hospital my Montbello Warriors can attest to that; therefore my dad got me on disability when I was in high school. When my dad passed it became survivors and I got his retirement benefits and what came with it Medicare benefits. You think I should be Gucci and set just stacking, nah snakes along the way taking advantage of the fact I was sheltered, paid and wanting to be allowed to act my age and having a house not paid for by time dad passed made shit go down the drain. Shoutout to the ones along the way that gave me good memories to look back on and were genuine NOT snakes (y'all know who you are). So being retired before having a job and having a mortgage payment what else is there to do but work your ass off and go to school till your body tells you sit down; follow the Wardens lead. Which I did till the wheels fell off and my body betrayed me.

I finished high school with a 4.0 (8th in my class), went to Community College even though I had a full ride to Regis University for Nursing but I let my dad get into my head about lupus would hold me back; I let HIS fears dictate MY life. Because of that I got my patient care tech, phlebotomy and CNA certificates done at CCA and got my pre reqs for Nursing School all done without owing a cent. Imagine what I could have accomplished had I kept going, not listening to the noise and had my body cooperated. This was my life School, Work, Family (single motherhood despite being in relationships because my daughter was my and her father's responsibility not my boyfriends) Repeat for a long time, all while my body battled itself from the inside. Lupus 101. Because I know how hard I tend to go being a slave to responsibility I ignored my body ALOT with the mentality if I don't do it it wont get done. I get this gene BAAAAAD from my dad's side of the family. Who knows maybe even my mom she got her certification and degree while prego with me. So now following that same mentality I find myself here needing a new kidney.

As hard as I try and want to I can no longer juggle all my balls and wear all my hats. It's either self care and slow down or I'm gonna be writing my own eulogy from a hospital bed. Even with the savings and stimulus checks given to me during this pandemic in the long run I will not be able to afford a transplant and the treatments ahead unless I sell my childhood home, my dads legacy. Like shit healthcare is hella expensive I see why my dad NEVER wanted to go to doctors. In all honesty if I didn't have lupus I would have never seen a doctor, if schools didn't give out vaccinations back in the day I wouldn't have got mine. That's how so against doctors my dad was. He would have me pop pimples on his back before it became a tv show, was heavy on home remedies, would Sweat it out before taking something for a fever, hell my dad even gave himself enemas. So when I got diagnosed in April 2001 I promise you it's a miracle he took me in to Children's hospital my other home and first real job.

In America unless your dirt poor where you qualify for Medicaid or your filthy rich where money is not a concern; being middle class trying to make a living while sick is hard ASF. Lord forbid if you got sick before you even got your first job like I did it's gonna be an uphill battle, finessing shit and staying above water. For the most part I like to say I handled it well despite one or two mental lapses lol. Till this day I remember the day my dad had told me I had used up all of his medical insurance and if he or my little bro needed anything done he would have to either pay out of pocket or they'd just be SOL. Me being me i felt like shit and my anxiety ran high. I raised my bro like I had birthed him from the time he was a baby and I was only eight at the time. So when my dad said that to me I cried and I cried hard. I never wanted anything to happen to them because they couldn't get care because I used it up. Thankfully my bro has perfect health and my dad is who he is and loved. If I haven't said it lately thank you God for the doctors, nurses and social workers that helped my dad find ways to pay for my medications, treatments, appointments and other things once his insurance had run out. Y'all were the Real MVPs at the time.

Granted my dad was NEVER ONE to go to the doctor as it was like I said. Idk if it was because of how he grew up or what. I look to the females in my family I have Around me now and chalk it up to how he grew up. Due to that the beginning of my lupus he had me juicing and sucking on ginger root (GROSS) to alleviate a lot of my lupus symptoms. He made me read, know my meds and doctors and my illness like my name. His thinking if he were to drop dead I had to know this stuff no one else would do it for me and it was my responsibility. Most parents would take the load on for their kids and let them be kids. Gotta have thick skin or crazy to survive my family. Why people that come at me I tell them don't do it cause if I make time it won't be pretty respectfully and if off the tip I can tell they were catered to, coddled and their problems were made by them aka those privileged (comes in all colors) folks I shut it down and keep it moving. At the moment not worth my time and limited lupus spoons but in my downtime when the writing bug gets me I incorporate my struggles in my work.

At the time ALOT of dads methods pissed me off, I didn't agree with and I didn't understand. Now as I navigate my illness and raise my daughter as a single mom I have a little bit more clarity. Everything my dad did was him operating out of fear for me and feeling lost and helpless. Keep in mind my dad lost my mother the love of his life to this disease. Watched her suffer while pregnant with me, then watched her proceed to pass away a year after having me. So I can get the rationale behind him wanting to make sure I was on top of my illness. However, sometimes I wish we had stayed in the Philippines because being sick in America is not all it's cracked up to be especially for someone like me.

I don't like asking for help it's why I'm in the situation I'm in. When shit goes bad for me it's usually too late because I didn't ask for help when it could have been managed. My cousins get on my case if I'm trying to do too much when I'm not doing well and tell me to ask for help. I don't like to borrow money or ask for favors period yet I find myself being the one asked on occasion. Which whatever it's my character to give the shirt off my back even if I'm cold and septic. So with all this is why if my daughter hadn't snitched me out I would real shit probably be dead right now. My cousins are forcing me to focus on my health and sit my Butt down. But I feel useless and like a scrub wanting to work and make money. It irks me EVERYTIME I wind up in the hospital and I'm just sitting on my ass. Mind you I got money coming in from the "retirement" however must be something wrong with me because I don't like being paid for being sick and not working. Probably why I'm quick to give shit away if people ask. I got too good of a heart and my thinking is pure and probably why I got the wolf disease. Wolves and scavengers quick to prey on people that display that and it's a damn shame. A lot of y'all need Jesus but it's whatever I will take it. I will continue to be once Damnd and twice saved.

Once Determined Ambitious Motivated NEVER Discouraged and two times baptized or saved by God. He will always see me through because he has the last say over me if my life has taught me anything it's that fact.

Just wish healthcare in America would make it easier for people who actually don't mind working themselves to death literally to focus on they treatments peacefully and still have job security. I make too much not working cause I'm "retired" and when I do work my flares send me to hospital or get me benched before benefits can kick in. Catch 22 is my life and I didn't ask for this. Changing how I feel inside is not gonna right it or make it go away, hell don't even think diet could but gonna try this Budwig one. Guarantee my shit is a science something in my genes that make lupus a beast that at this point I'd rather have cancer and ONLY CANCER. Keep fighting warriors I see you

SN: miss Mary MAC Montgomery I knew you weren't serious about being a match for me and wanting to donate an organ for me despite your pregnancy. Dangling that lifeline in front of someone when they really do need it tsk tsk beautiful. I must have really rubbed you wrong with my two cent opinion for you to do that even after I said I'd help you write your bio. It's ok I forgive you. However, God got me go in peace and I pray you learn to maneuver better. Respectfully and with love peace out Warrior