White Matter

Where do I begin?

I flew and woke up different. Life experiences aren't meant to be judged as good or bad, they just are. Every burn, paper-cut, crimped finger in the door, everything that happens to you happens for you.

Looking past the blood and bruises, you find recovery. Traumatic brain injuries have a different agenda. There’s only development. It’s only been two years since my accident and I have yet to face what’s coming. I was in the process of closing my case and mentally prepared to leave it in the past until I visited a specialist to give a final report who told me about the brain injury I’ve been experiencing. It’s called Diffuse Axon Injury and happens when the brain moves inside the skull at high-speed during injury. The acceleration/deceleration movement of the brain shears important connecting fibres called axons. DAI is widespread damage in white matter.

Integrating back into my life after the accident and being in the dark about the injury, I had nothing to help explain my behaviours. The most treatment I got focused on techniques in helping with short-term memory loss, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder. I was never fully engaged because I knew there was something missing that nobody was understanding. After long, miserable months of fighting myself, family, and friends, I gave up finding answers. I was led to believe this is just the way I am, and here are some techniques for controlling anxiety.

Time passed, and deep down I still felt there was something unresolved. I couldn’t go on pretending to accept myself. One night after getting into an argument with my mother, she told there was nothing wrong with me. All my immediate emotional, physical, and cognitive changes negatively impacted my life. Every day I woke up to a new narrative that I wasn’t good enough, or to hang on because everything will be better, nobody understands you because you don’t understand yourself, or hang on, you’re enough as you are. This psychological warfare manifested into unhealthy patterns of behaviour. Paying attention, sitting, and laying down, reading, and focusing were very difficult. My academic standing took a hit. I was constantly frustrated with myself and others.

Over time, I lost my friends because I became rigid, moody, compulsive, and a drag to be around. That led to a falling out of two beautiful relationships as well. Even at my worst, I was loved, but I had no connection to emotions to feel it. I observed feelings through other people and understood them based on past experiences. Subconsciously, I knew I was dissociated from my body. Soon I craved control, created an eating disorder, and purged my unfelt emotions. The friendships that managed to last the longest were held together by partying, drugs, and alcohol. I kept trying to provoke emotion but got nowhere. Instead, I woke up one early morning at five AM next to a guy who invited himself down my pants. I fell asleep next to someone who I’d been seeing on and off; on when we wanted something physical. At the time, he was showing more interest in quality time with me. This made me feel something. But like the recovery to my sanity, it didn’t last. I experienced all over again a trauma that left me blaming and calling myself crazy. My thoughts were too scattered to bare, and I couldn’t understand who I’d become. There was nowhere to go but under my skin. The girl I used to be began to disappear, and had to accept that it was my mind playing tricks on me as a result of “PTSD.” One night I decided to pray—to a God, The Divine, anything that could hear my soul. She was trapped behind voices and actions that weren’t hers. Her love, light, motivation, kindness, and softness was lost. She prayed for guidance, support, compassion and trust in herself to keep going. In her prayers, she knew there’d only be a few tomorrows left before giving up entirely, so she had nothing to lose. She cried, pleaded, and prayed some more.

It was a silent choice to look within and stay strong. My intellect and creativity was never damaged from the accident, which burned a fire of light inside me. After a couple months, I began to notice great changes in how I chose to view the world, and the darkness began to fade. My family started to notice the shift, and at my new job, I began to open up more. I became more and more comfortable with exposing myself. My tainted smile turned into laughter and things got better. My GPA is now standing at 3.8 and I’ll be graduating in the next couple semesters. I forgave myself and others. Family became friends again. I decided to focus on the joys in life rather than what was bringing me down. It became addictive, to feel better. My brain registered this and slowly it became compulsive. I went to yoga every chance I could and ate only raw fruits and veggies like it was oxygen. I masked repressed emotions and sprung around like everything was made of cotton candy and roses. On social media, there was a train of motivational uprising in self-love, and I was window seat with my head out the window.

I understood the meaning of moderation, but my brain couldn’t create or receive the proper signals to behave like a moderate individual. Quickly I learned it didn’t matter what I chose to believe in, eat, or feel. My mind would take it and run. As a creative creature, I’m always thinking of many different things at once and inspiration is always coming in. Sometimes it feels like my secretary is still on crack and have little to no thought management in my prefrontal cortex. Thoughts create reality, and being able to have direct focus is key in today’s growing industries. I’m now learning how to swim in the white matter of my brain. Integrating myself into society over and over again until I feel secure and decisive in making decisions. I still face judgements and unreasonable societal expectations from people every day for how I express myself. I’m still unsure if arguing with my mother to get an MRI done to resolve any doubts was the right decision. Either way, it’ll always be me learning about me. Finding out my brain injury gives me all the connections to what I’d been digging up in the past year about mental, physical, and emotional health. The more I understand about human biology and behaviour, the more I understand of myself. You and I are connected, as we are to nature, and everything that is. My accident happened for me in showing me the true nature of life, and enriching my soul with unconditional love. The gift of life is to be present and experience its eternal continuum of giving. My journey is a message to hold on. Keep going.