Unspoken Expectations

Has it ever brought you anger when your partner failed to do something that in your perception he/she should have done?

Or perhaps they did not call at the time you thought they were supposed to, or they forgot some aspect of your day. It is possible they did not understand what was expected of them as opposed to them not caring at all.

Lack of communication can be the killer of relationships by constraining every subtle undisclosed expectation. Here’s what to look for, how to talk about them and how to invest in the relationship.

What Are Unspoken Expectations?

They are the thoughts or ideas that one holds about how a person should behave without ever speaking them.

These can come from :

1. Past experiences
2. Family upbringing
3. Personal values or habits

For example, you might think that your partner knows you want a ‘good morning’ text every day, despite you neither telling him/her directly.

Why Are They a Problem?

Unspoken expectations can lead to:

Disappointment:

If expectations fail to be fulfilled, you feel the social relation is inadequate to meet your needs.

Misunderstandings:

The partner can possibly be unaware that they are not delivering the necessary amount of support.

Resentment:

A presentation of unfulfilled expectations can lead to frustration in the long term.

The solution? Make these expectations more manifest.

How to Understand Your Expectations

Pause and Reflect

An important thing that helps to understand the feeling of people is to think about situations when you for example felt betrayed. What do you think your partner should and was supposed to do? Write it down.

Ask yourself:

I think I never shared this expectation. Perhaps, I expected them to remember, did they not know better?

Consider What’s Fair

Is this what you expect?

You do not get what you want in life because you did not effectively communicate your expectations. It’s important to begin any discussion of the issue in a calm manner.

Always Remember the below principles

• Timing is key. Do not discuss expectations while you are angry or while your partner is angry.

• Use “I” Statements and if we are feeling ‘blamed’ we probably should not blame but rather tell how we feel. For example:

I love when during the day you ask me how I am or if I am doing okay.

“More often than not, I wish you could go out on more dates together.”

• Listen to Their Perspective

Of course, your partner may also have different expectations too. Tell them this:

‘Okay, if that is what you want, then what do you want from me, and remember there could always be some give and take.”

The Benefits of Speaking Up

When we have to share expectations with others, we are not making a request for excellence; rather, we are establishing a better rapport. It means that when both the people know what the other requires, only then they can support the other in a meaningful way.

This is to mean that the unspoken expectations do not have to remain that way, unheard. What they are is how, if you express them, you do not have to engage in unnecessary quarrels and build a relationship in which both the male and female are respected and their opinion is taken into consideration.

Finally, the best friendships, the true love, and even simple good neighborship are created by concrete and transparent communication and concern with each other’s needs and it is normally expressed through the words.

For this, I again request my dear readers, I tried my best to offer something that proves beneficial for your relationship. I want to thank you for such appreciations and your support, being a part of your process of creating better and deeper relationships is a privilege.

This article was being originally published by author(me) on Medium.

Thank you for reading!