The only benefit from my toxic relationship: veganism, healing, and a spiritual awakening

I never wanted to be a vegan, and I used to try hard to stay away from spiritual or religious people.

“We have different morals”

“We don’t want the same things in life”

“I don’t believe in a big man in the sky telling me what I can and can’t do”

Those were all things I’d tell myself and people around me, and what I identified with most. I was in the middle of completing a degree in Hospitality Management and my dream was to work in a high-end, fine dining type of restaurant, serving the best foods and cooking them in the most complex ways. I never said no to any kind of food; I was a foodie, how could I? I had to try everything at least once.

Gaslighting and the power of yoga

In 2017, I was in the middle of a toxic relationship, and come August, I finally had some time for myself, while my former partner was away. I decided to take on yoga, mostly to get fit, but I also had a feeling that for some reason, it was going to make me feel better about the whole relationship thing. ‘Cause you know, people who do yoga meditate and are calm, or something.

Three months in, and I’m already much stronger physically, but the emotional part of me stayed the same. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t calm yet. I should’ve known it wasn’t my fault, but back then I didn’t know what gaslighting was, so all I could do was blame myself, and eventually believe that all bad things happened because of me.

I only realised years later, that the yoga isn’t there to fix problems, but it is there to put you into alignment with yourself to acknowledge those problems. Once you’re in alignment, you can dig deeper and find the true reason as to why you feel a certain way. Then, things appear easier to handle.

Vegan by... coffee shop and documentaries

In January of 2018, in the “off” part of this on-and-off relationship, I had moved my classes around to make room for a day-time job, a way to re-structure myself and build my character. So I found a listing for a Barista job in a cool, plant-based and organic store, and decided to give it a go (even though I knew nothing about making coffee or about veganism). All I knew was that organic food was supposed to be good for you and that plant-based foods were healthier.

Half an hour later, I got a call back for an interview for that same day. Next thing I know, I’m showering and quickly Googling facts about organic vegan food.

Long story short, I got the job and I got really close to my boss, who was a militant vegan herself. She taught me everything I had to know about the health benefits of a whole-foods plant-based diet, and introduced me to the animal rights side of things. I already had done some research on the environmental benefits of this kind of diet, but something about being abused when all you want is to live a peaceful life really stuck with me.

Relating to abuse, in retrospect

Yes, I went vegan because I realised it was healthier for me after trying it out myself, and that I would be a hypocrite to call myself an environmentalist if I stuck with my old diet of three different kinds of meat for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yes, giving up dairy was difficult, but what can be difficult for some people to understand is that when you experience abuse yourself, you recognise it in others, and it’s impossible to look away.

My abuse wasn’t physical, and it was nowhere near as harmful and inhumane as it is for the animals, but it still put me in a position where I could empathise with them. I didn’t ask for my personality to deteriorate, I didn’t ask for my self-esteem to be reliant on someone else’s mood that morning, and I certainly did not ask for my ability to trust another person to be completely shattered.

Most animals are brought to this world because of us. Because of a demand to kill and eat them. Many people argue that this makes us more important than them, because we gave them life. This brings out the ego in all of us. Who are we to think we’re superior to others, to animals? Because we can control and manipulate them?

Meditation, self-analysis, and healing

Veganism was just the tip of the iceberg. I started asking myself questions:

“Who am I, really?”

“Why am I still in this relationship? What’s keeping me here?”

“If I’m against abuse, why am I letting myself get emotionally tormented by someone else?”

Round and round, in circles until it clicked. I decided that I wasn’t going to put myself through a pointless and degrading relationship anymore, and I set myself free.

I wish I could see it for myself at the time, but I was engulfed in that relationship and thinking that I was the culprit. It has taken a few years of self-reflection and re-living those difficult memories in meditation to find peace with it.

A spiritual awakening

You will continue to go through the same situations until you learn your lesson, and until you begin to awaken and trust the soul and knowledge that reside inside of you.

I continued to learn about meditation, and put it into practice. It first took the form of Yoga Nidra, and eventually became a daily practice of checking-in with myself for a few minutes. I read New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, which completely changed the way I perceive life. It has helped me to savour the present moment, now, and to realte with everything and everyone around me. If you’re curious about or just starting your spiritual journey, or you’re already past the awakening, reading this book will only make you a better person, even for a little while, even if you forget about it later.

In order to heal from my trauma, I had to put myself in a safe and calm state of being in order to find the core of what caused my problems. I closed my eyes and slowed down my breath, relaxed my body, and repeated “I am safe. I am loved. I am at peace. I am healed” until I felt at ease to start asking myself questions. As many as it took to get to where I needed to be, at the source. I observed as though it was a movie, without any embellishments, and when I felt satisfied, I took slow deep breaths and let go of the pain, while repeating “I am safe. I am loved. I am at peace. I am healed”.

May you feel safe, loved, and healed, and be your authentic selves.

And so it is.